one concern that I would like to write down, incase my concern happens to come true, I can tell myself myself I told you.

3 weeks is the prime time in which interests are peaked or they are deteriorating. i'm at week one, plan to chill a couple more times this week.

oh yeah, cause I usually don't know what I want... i dont know if I want a gfunk...but somebody to understand. but mine as well make me a korean couple and just get a girlfriend. i mean it can't hurt, it can only help my korean. i guess you can tell what i'm thinking about...its not bad. but i know a kid who looks at every girl being his girlfriend..thats cool. get it? its just not like THAT.

i produced today! after being at the studio for 8 hrs...i dig.

my cousin friend is pretty cool we live together now, i call him a cousin friend cause hes not really a cousin, but hes becoming my friend, but some how hes linked into my family..hes my younger brother. and hes from new yoorrkk cause he sounds like that.

got the text hollarrr

i should go later

My main reason to apply for study abroad program is to become surrounded in the Korean culture. I am a Korean American, and from the day I was born I have been away from my home country. I am not sure of the reasons my parents decided to start a family in America, but I have longed to speak the language and learn more about the cultures of a different countries. I have been told by previous abroad students, and they say you learn a great deal about yourself during your travels. They say you become independent and that the experience changes the way you look at the world. Sometimes Asian Americans and adoptee children have identity issues. It would be great to be able to break the comfort zone that I have in Minnesota and step into the very different and enormous city of Seoul. I also long to see the world, I have traveled to different countries and still my soul wants to see more. The study abroad program through the University of Minnesota has made that available to me and I am grateful for the opportunity. I will gain valuable skills in the language, allowing to speak in my native tongue to my family members, especially my elders. I will gain knowledge of different issues involved with such a large city. There is such a large population that leads to traffic nearly twenty-four hours a day. That must lead to a huge release of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. I plan on taking courses based on sciences, to further my knowledge of environmental problems and continue from the courses I have already taken. Also I hope to gain knowledge on architectural design to promote sustainable and environmental friendly living. I would like to take courses on urban development to branch off of architectural design. I want to break down the cultural barriers that I will face between Americans and Koreans. Understanding the culture would be best by immersing myself into the daily life of Koreans. With my interests in mind, the Yonsei program has many different courses available that relate to what I want to study. I was surprised looking through their course manual. I saw courses I did not know existed that related to what professors and mentors have told me would fit my major. I plan on heading into bio based products engineering, or environmental engineering. A quick explanation, I would like to help develop new technologies to promote sustainable living. I would like to help development of buildings that reuse waste water, use natural resources for energy such as solar panels, and wind powered cooling systems. With the growing concern for environmental issues, I believe this is a great field to be studying. With such great courses offered at Yonsei University, it only made sense for me to decide to stay for a full year. I have not experienced Korea for more than a span of a month, and to see the different seasons would be great. Also I do not know when I will have a chance to live there, my family is split between America and Korea, so it will be a good opportunity for me to spend as much time in Korea as I can.

i'll make this quick.

i'm exhausted.

but i'm super good.

super chill.

i'm fighthing bad things with help from the Holy Spirit.

i'm trying to forgive. it doesn't make sense to hold onto what is burdening me.

i've got two dead batteries.

a bag that gets compliments everywhere, and I have to agree it is a sweet bag.

not gonna lie I'd like a chrome bag... and not gonna lie jake's excited that cooper IS here.

taking pictures makes anything MORE fun.

I want to chill and be around loved ones for the thank mom day..ie my birthday..

hannahs brosef is really cool, and they share lots of manurisms. hes the one that said yeah chill and be around loved ones...oh yeah duh.

max I hope your still going to bring my mom flowers. get some fresh cuts offs.

I chilled with that girl again, I now have a picture of her, its the best picture I have. a polaroid as a matter, we traded. b/w a little glowing white from a drag and she still looks cute.

i had a religious experience today, an intense prayer thats for sure. i'm in for some good things.

i wish those kids were eating samgyb right now.

hmm.

끝

well I walked around half inbetween boredom and emptiness. plugged into head phones I didn't even exist. it was weird.

i sent three emails, one to my sis to tell mom what I want for my bday...bpuck. i dont know my address. second to my highschool councelor, can you dig up my 1-12 transcripts? and one to the Us embassy in korea asking can I live here? taking some responsibilty at least.

i had my nephew, which we call in korea, who is actually my second cousin move in with me. and his dad. i think there chill. from new york, the kid is kinda funny actually. a bit differen't but prayers were answered so now I'll be there for him. funny I didn't even know he was in korea.

so i was going to go drop in the drawing studio to do extra sesion, but I thought i'd put some time into this expression. i guess i just gotta do.

so i've met some new friends, at the cafe. i saw the camera and came out and started talking to him. its cool. I got hooked up with another friend of his, she might be my girlfriend. and I'll prematurely write this cause its funny to look back on it later. i looked through some old journal entries, its nice sometimes. but I havent written in that thing for so long I gota fill it out and send it to the fruit party which is the apple party hosted by the one and only a to n the gely.

i picked this girl, shes nice, and the times ive seen her shes carried around some cool cameras. shes got good style and used to be a film major. shes got this camera that uses half the shot, its so cool.

anyways hannahs bros in town. he takes a lot of pictures haha its inspiring. i carry my camera everday but have had this roll in for like 2 or more weeks. i'm 2 more to 36 though so I'll be swapping out soon. we're going shooting soon, but hes way hungover, and so is yak. sucks.

cooper comes, i dont even know what this means but i've never heard it more than this. haha should be good, hes super excited hes not gonna lie" jake that i've put into a weird tense ahhah

so I'm turning twenty t minus..what do I want to do for my brithday? i'd like to go to dinner with my mom. wait till its not my brithday and eat cheesecake with max and say its my birthday hahah. go home to an empty house, to find friends showing up with a bag that I hardly even touched but good to get other people good.

i miss being told i'm loved. sigh. hahah pussyyy as krew would say it.

t bags is a girl beater hahahahah

i miss rollin in cars. but cars are stupid, they stay parked.

i've got to stay here till august at least, thats when I've got my hongdae drawing exam, when am i going to visit my friends?

yaks coming here to meet me. i've been trying to do art lately. its been good, but really i haven't made anything. but i've really been trying so I'm getting better. isn't it weird?

i haven't gotten down lately either. i felt some lonliness and rang up jake, its kinda lonely at home. yeah i bet. whatchu gonna do? play guitar listen to music. i'm reading hemminway, oh i've got one of those around the house, oh yeah i totally recommend that one. forsure i havent read lately. ....... aright man stay up. peace. peace.

what are friends for. hollar.

you still hung over? yeah (just this second i asked jake)

five hours till coopers here, the coundown is on" see what do I tell you.

its yaks bestess friend, hes excited and he isn't going to lie, specially cause hes here for a month.carajeee.

marky b hasn't put down his strat in months, that kid is a machine in the things he loves. kids like me, the same but still so differen't. weird. wish I kinda wish we were still best friends.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

whats new?

lifes beautiful.

yes it is.

theres like an emptiness. i'm kinda half smirkysmiling. yeah i looked at my journal. all sorts of funny things. probably if i looked at the beginning of this it might interlock with some of my journal entries. weird. but I was given mental images when I read back into the past, didn't make me fall in the past just reflect a little. im trying to move on from everything. somethings are harder to kick than others. i hardly reflect the two months i did backpacking, my mind is ever going. but still I think i think a lot so what is it I think about. hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

i wonder what tonights going to be like. i'd like to just chill, with friends. thats my emptiness. friends i don't see. that are scattered everywhere. now I appreciate that, so someday i'll be able to chill, with friends, and fill that emptiness. hollar. i mean its not totally empty, but its something longing. whatever i'll leave it.

i've like not met a girl my age, in a long time. i don't think i'll ever have a position to meet someone the same age. hmmm not that it matters. hahah i'd always be like that girls cuteeeee! and seths like you can say that your still in your teens, as the cute girl in uniform walks by. creeppy?? nah i'm like fresh outa highschool too. kinda not really. creepy. for sure. maybe makes you laugh? haha doubt it.

im just writing to kill time till we can leave. not going to get into a story, i should write a story sometime. i told a story the other day to max. so we go sunday night clubbing...crazy huh? but yosebs friend was on leave from the army so we had to take him out. after a while me yak and yo went upstairs on the balcony, we were watching his friend dancing with this girl, we were like make your move! duno if he ever did. but then I spotted this girl in white towards the side of the club, and I was like yak, i'll be back I think i know someone. i got down there and no other than the set that loves to go clubbing. it was pretty exciting. hahah i cannot get a seconds rest when I'm with those girls dancing machines thats fo rsure. so i'm dancing with them its way fun its not the same without them. like a bit later i hardly noticed but a cicle formed around us, and like a hundred people were watching us dance..hahha like what? that was epic. hahahh he smiles as he reflects him memory. what else can he think of next? hahah the bumble bee jingle night was epic, howd we get so drunk? this pic is the night of bumblee bee jingle but it does not jusity the emotion mess of everbody loving each other. hahahaha WHATS THE BUMBLEEE JINGLE???

slowly the travel blog emerges, unorganized and random. is this how you want it?

the bitter end of a starbucks coffee, thats what i'm tasting right now. i do a lot of things lately, busy at least I think so. maybe cause I go here and then there and then there and here.

teaching english is a joke, I can't believe how much people make. I just do it to get free drawing lessons. hopefully I will be one of those jokes who makes bank.

i want to go clubbing, like a night out at nb where a circle forms around the coolest people. only cause somebodys playing to of "that" music at a comp close to me.

and I want to fix the hole thats appearing int he outside pocket of my bag. and then make compartments on the inside so I can fit everything so neatly like jams shoulder bag.

i'm pretty chill. I could have smoked two cigarettes yesterday but I didnt. nice. and havent yet today. i forgot i was on my road to trying to stop.

hahah my friend lydia is always like i hope your doing good with the yujahs along those lines. i've been heavy, very much. so i've come to the conclusion if I have feelings its cause I like them, solid. its very casual to like someone, like I like you. chill. well i think I like you, you read this so I must be friends with you... never know.

so i'm helping my friend get into a college in england, woe i'm trying to teach some college level english this is wack wait i'm college level american.i'll try my best and itd be amazing if he gets in. and if he does where are the korean friends then...bummr.

but if I get a korean girlfriend, she probably wot call me baby.. i've never been called baby but i think i'd like it. like i havent been called oppa either I think i'd like that. and I got this kid and his dad moving in with me, i've got to be a role model, hyung status for sure. hollar i'm good i'll do my best to be there for the kid.

the camera i want is 3000 dollars. fckn nts. someday I heart rollieflex. investment for life thats fo sho. but maybe when I learn to develop my own pictures then i'll truly invest. if I bank a leica m6 will call my name. star craft peace

kangbanger24 (02:37:06 am): yo
oldmiller52 (02:37:12 am): ahhh shit
kangbanger24 (02:37:22 am): haha for sure just got the memo
oldmiller52 (02:37:24 am): weird, i get your messages, are you getting mine?
kangbanger24 (02:37:40 am): i just got on
oldmiller52 (02:37:47 am): haha ah
kangbanger24 (02:37:50 am): for sure
oldmiller52 (02:38:00 am): whaattt uuuupp
kangbanger24 (02:38:08 am): shit this is like the closest thing to being together in a long ass time
kangbanger24 (02:38:21 am): i'm just chilling at a pc bang, its like almost 3 in the morning
oldmiller52 (02:38:29 am): lol
kangbanger24 (02:38:33 am): what are you up to?
oldmiller52 (02:38:39 am): smoking opium?
kangbanger24 (02:39:01 am): hahaha what? i kinda wish no the place where you go to use the computer hahah
oldmiller52 (02:39:02 am): haha not too much man, just laying in bed just recovering from my trip
oldmiller52 (02:39:11 am): lol i know
kangbanger24 (02:39:12 am): how was that?
kangbanger24 (02:39:19 am): haha wtf hahha
oldmiller52 (02:39:41 am): it was good man, i like boston a lot, my audition went well...annndd yeah we'll see what happens
kangbanger24 (02:39:56 am): for sure, are those other options up in the same area too?
kangbanger24 (02:40:16 am): that would be awesome for you, getting away is probably one of the greatest things ever
oldmiller52 (02:40:18 am): nah, other options are just like not going to school and working
kangbanger24 (02:40:29 am): oh ic
oldmiller52 (02:40:32 am): yeah i hear you man
kangbanger24 (02:40:47 am): and ipr been good?
oldmiller52 (02:40:50 am): it was pretty chill, good to see hendricks and gaertner and stuff
kangbanger24 (02:41:08 am): oh for sure
oldmiller52 (02:41:25 am): oh yea, loving it, im on spring break right now until the 31st, but this upcoming quarter is my last and its just getting better and better
kangbanger24 (02:41:25 am): it sounds tyt what you told me, seeing some live music and some good jazz cats
oldmiller52 (02:41:33 am): yea
oldmiller52 (02:41:38 am): whats new with you? where you at?
kangbanger24 (02:42:13 am): just in seoul, my grandmas in the states so i've got her apartment for a few months
oldmiller52 (02:42:21 am): balllerr
oldmiller52 (02:42:44 am): is she still living with your pops?
kangbanger24 (02:42:50 am): yeah its pretty good. a crazy time in my life thats for sure
oldmiller52 (02:42:52 am): or different gramma
kangbanger24 (02:42:56 am): no she has her own place now
oldmiller52 (02:43:02 am): word
kangbanger24 (02:43:38 am): for sure
oldmiller52 (02:43:41 am): glad to hear youre enjoying yourself
kangbanger24 (02:44:08 am): shit, welli think i'm going to be here for another 4 years, you could think of taking another trip?
oldmiller52 (02:44:19 am): oh wow
oldmiller52 (02:44:25 am): perrhaapsss
kangbanger24 (02:44:33 am): haha it'd be different this time around
oldmiller52 (02:44:35 am): im working on going to colombia this summer
kangbanger24 (02:44:42 am): for real?
kangbanger24 (02:44:44 am): thats sick
oldmiller52 (02:45:07 am): yea man, then id only have 3 more continents to step foot on
kangbanger24 (02:45:08 am): so you and audie are close then huh
kangbanger24 (02:45:18 am): haha word
oldmiller52 (02:45:26 am): yeah man, we're doing very well
kangbanger24 (02:45:35 am): but steping continents and soaking them are different stories
oldmiller52 (02:45:59 am): true, but the continents ive stepped on ive absorbed pretty well
kangbanger24 (02:46:07 am): haha good to hear, i want a girlfriend, i still get really deep into girls tho, i guess that goes with being that picky
oldmiller52 (02:46:09 am): at least korea and ukraine and amsterdam
kangbanger24 (02:46:15 am): true that,a month here will do that
oldmiller52 (02:46:42 am): yea man
oldmiller52 (02:47:17 am): well yea, idk it seems like from your pictures and notes and stuff on your blog and facebook and stuff that you are really becoming more in tune with yourself and whats going on
oldmiller52 (02:47:44 am): having a girlfriend is nice, but you've definetly got to figure that kind of stuff out before it can be a successful relationship
kangbanger24 (02:48:16 am): yeah for sure man, its sometimes hard when you don't got those people around you tho, like you and friends and shit. its got its wayyy uppps and its super lows its really emotional right now
oldmiller52 (02:48:39 am): homesick?
kangbanger24 (02:48:40 am): ohh word, I think the girls have understood that, read something subconscious because they all maintain a friendship
kangbanger24 (02:48:54 am): I dont' know what it is
kangbanger24 (02:49:11 am): i miss the memories i've made
oldmiller52 (02:49:17 am): hmm
oldmiller52 (02:49:35 am): stop living in the past? focus on now?
oldmiller52 (02:49:44 am): i mean, thats something i have to tell myself all the time
oldmiller52 (02:49:49 am): look forward
kangbanger24 (02:50:12 am): its good to have a friend who will give an opinion, it really helps me out
oldmiller52 (02:50:24 am):
kangbanger24 (02:50:28 am): haha
oldmiller52 (02:50:42 am): you can pick your nose, but you cant pick your ass
kangbanger24 (02:50:51 am): but i've had my super highs, but i've been getting depressed almost every other day
kangbanger24 (02:51:00 am): haha i miss our house for sure
oldmiller52 (02:51:04 am): lol hella
oldmiller52 (02:51:36 am): well dude, theres some shit going on deep down, that i obviously dont know about, and that you maybe dont even know about thats bringing you down
oldmiller52 (02:52:02 am): if i had to guess, i would say its stuff with your dad and him leaving home and treating your family the way he did
kangbanger24 (02:52:14 am): yeah its really hard, i think whilei'm home i'll talk to a councelor, somebody that ms bovitz pointed me to
oldmiller52 (02:52:30 am): and then maybe youre afraid of becoming who you are based on who your dad is
oldmiller52 (02:52:36 am): idk just a guess
kangbanger24 (02:52:40 am): yeah its been a lot about my dad, i' talk about it in really negative ways tho its no good
oldmiller52 (02:52:41 am): i think that would help
oldmiller52 (02:53:13 am): yea, well if there are negative things, in everyones mind, they will always outweigh the positives
kangbanger24 (02:53:21 am): do you read my blog? yeah i think it'll help, because talking about shit really helps me out but there aren't many people i turn to
oldmiller52 (02:53:37 am): i have, just not in a while
oldmiller52 (02:53:49 am): ive been busy preparing for this audition and sish
oldmiller52 (02:55:24 am): so what are you doing out there?
kangbanger24 (02:55:35 am): yeah for sure, I appreciate that anyways.
kangbanger24 (02:57:27 am): mm now I dropped out so i'm doing drawing classes so I can take the entry exam into the art school..and I picked up a ceramic artist to do art with 3 times a week, hes super chill and i just started last week..been keeping busy. i fill my time at cafes, chill and chill i guess
oldmiller52 (02:58:00 am): word, sounds like a good time
oldmiller52 (02:58:12 am): what about work? how do you pay for shit?
oldmiller52 (02:58:13 am): lol
kangbanger24 (02:59:13 am): haha dads been helping out a bunch. but yeah I teach english so I get free drawing lessons and the ceramic studio is a fair price so living in my grandmas apart keeps the costs down. i'll teach more english later on tho, that pays
oldmiller52 (02:59:36 am): legit
oldmiller52 (02:59:58 am): so have you gotten to be closer to your dad at all?
kangbanger24 (03:00:19 am): not really, i haven't spent that much time with him
oldmiller52 (03:00:54 am): bummer
kangbanger24 (03:01:05 am): and when I do, i don't feel comfortable where i'm like dad you want to go do something? he doesn't get it i think this is our relationship and i duno
kangbanger24 (03:01:18 am): yeah for sure
oldmiller52 (03:01:55 am): do you just ask him if he wants to get together? or youre saying you cant do that?
kangbanger24 (03:02:45 am): a lil of both, i've crashed a few times just when i go over, i just wanted to take a night drive but i couldn't ask him if he wanted to he was like watchin tv
oldmiller52 (03:03:41 am): oh
oldmiller52 (03:03:53 am): well, keep trying man
oldmiller52 (03:04:16 am): its important to get whatever your thinking or feeling about him out in the open
kangbanger24 (03:04:17 am): you think its worth it?
kangbanger24 (03:04:27 am): yeah max said something about that
kangbanger24 (03:04:39 am): i do need to know what happened
kangbanger24 (03:04:52 am): but i guess i'm not close enough to ask
oldmiller52 (03:05:58 am): i mean yes, cus it will free up your mind, but theres definetly stuff going on with him too, cus i remember when we went out to your grampas grave he told us how he left your g ma and dad when he was like 4 or whatever
oldmiller52 (03:06:22 am): its probably just the endless cycle, but its up to you to break that cycle
oldmiller52 (03:06:50 am): it doesnt matter if your not close enough, your his kid, youre entitled to know what happened to your family
kangbanger24 (03:07:06 am): yeah thats why i cnat give him a hard time, he has had it worse than i have, i mean i have it good
kangbanger24 (03:07:21 am): hmm
oldmiller52 (03:07:34 am): just because he provides for you doesn't me he can not show you affection and love
oldmiller52 (03:07:36 am): idk man
kangbanger24 (03:07:42 am): yeah i guess i'm still a little scared of the secret thats inside him,something that will truly hurt me again
oldmiller52 (03:07:49 am): ahhh
oldmiller52 (03:07:53 am): that makes sesne
kangbanger24 (03:08:25 am): but thats the dark inside me i think its the same fear what i'll do someday, max tried to say its not me, but its definately a ghost inside me
kangbanger24 (03:08:31 am): it makes me sick
kangbanger24 (03:09:34 am): i've been trying to turn to religion, push it out. i'm just a baby believer hopefully through my life it will help
oldmiller52 (03:10:26 am): i feel like, you'll only do that if you don't get in touch with yourself and how youre actually feeling about your dad and without answers and stuff it will only continue to bother you
oldmiller52 (03:10:42 am): i agree with max in saying that thats not you
oldmiller52 (03:11:18 am): but i mean if you think religion is helping you, you're your ultimate judge, you know yourself better than anyone else, because you are you
kangbanger24 (03:12:33 am): for sure man
oldmiller52 (03:12:38 am): sorry to get all like counselor the first time i talk to you in like 3 months
kangbanger24 (03:13:10 am): no it doesn't matter, its just back to what it was, the time and space doesn't change our relationship, the important things are being said and thats what keeps us close
oldmiller52 (03:13:24 am): exactly
kangbanger24 (03:13:43 am): you remind me of the closest friend I made here, hes back in chicago, i can get deep with you and we can be sincere
oldmiller52 (03:13:47 am): not a day goes by that i don't think about you or have a funny ass memory
kangbanger24 (03:14:11 am): haha tell me one sometime haha i'td probably make my day.
oldmiller52 (03:14:19 am): lol right on
oldmiller52 (03:14:24 am): we've got a few
kangbanger24 (03:14:32 am): we've got more than a few
oldmiller52 (03:14:37 am): haha
oldmiller52 (03:14:39 am): yea
kangbanger24 (03:14:50 am): aright man I should skip, my friend just left and i'm crashing
oldmiller52 (03:14:58 am): right on
oldmiller52 (03:15:03 am): great talking to you
oldmiller52 (03:15:14 am): im on spring break now so feel free to talk to me whenever
oldmiller52 (03:15:28 am): take...luck!
kangbanger24 (03:15:31 am): yeah i'll hit you up soon for sure, i mean you heard my voice i gotta hear yours
oldmiller52 (03:15:40 am): haha
kangbanger24 (03:15:42 am): for sure brotha peace!
oldmiller52 (03:15:47 am): peace

fuck youuuuu patt and jake

i was never given a chance to attack, bitches kept attacking me. fuck

hahahahaha

so i'm in a period of transition...moving countries and entering college is a big deal. crazy

yakmed also went through a depressive state during transitional period, weeks on end without friends. so I'll just have to deal with this. talking about it helps, but wouldn't that get old, since it seems I get down like it must be daily. today it was when I felt alone at yicf, sitting bymself in the back I'm usually cool but I've never gone alone. I guess having yoseb with me did matter. i havent this fun of a game in a while. sigh good ol star craft

oh yeah I had the traditional meal of sangyub, it was absolutely delicious. i make my own rules so whatever. back to it tho I dont think I need that stuff for another long time.

fuckers, i hope we get another game, fuck those guys. sorry I guess i'm kinda in an excited mood, dropping the f bomb like i'm in fifth grade. but its the best yeaherrr bitches another game! peace

once again got my ass handed to me. i'm listening to oysterhead. turn the sound off and turn the music up, the way to play. and my feet smell, i should put my shoes on.

we were going to play music tonight buit...yaks coming over tomorrow,setting up a this and that bowls and cups drum set and we'll "practice" weird. put songs together and such word. if you have desert and yak for an after dinner performance..your in for a treat haha. its a lot of fun.

yaks listening to medeski

i'm quiet now. speakers that is. chill not up to much. i'd like to do a blog on my travel, here and there. i'd like to do more of my ideas, just havent gotten around to them. now i'm super lazy. I wish I was back home. so I could just chill.

i can't go home though. I can't go back to what it was. something just wont let me. so I'll be in korea noo matter what. so make another epic trip and visit me again someday aright? yeah right. talking really is good. and i speak when it matters. i'm redonculously shy at stupid times. i was thinking about leaving after fellowship without saying a word..even to anna! weird.

what a crazy life. wish I could get away from it all but nobody said its easy. hrmmm i've become a better person by doing this. all this. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I didn't come. I guess its a pointless thought. I probably wouldn't have this blog.

if you wanna hurt yourself..

1. go skateboarding" says jake.

I did express myself. that was dark. depression, the cuts allow to forget. but that isn't the way. under bad influence, kurt cobain wasn't the most set person...

this whole being christian thing helps, but sometimes I just don't think of where to turn first, and I sometimes just CANT read the bible. just a baby believer though cause I know what that means...

i destroyed one round in star craft, jake took the second, seems pat just gets fucked in between us.

i worked today, worked good coffee for sure. showed me the "moca pot" makes it damn near espresso mhmmm next time bring some milk. i'm tired, four hours of sleep, I can't believe I got up this morning. clubbing last night, cept the pre funk at the bar was boring. waited like 3 hrs i ended up walking away from everybody and chilled alone till they met me up later at the club. weird. i just couldn't wait anymore.

and I'm not even tired, cause all those cups i was practicing making good coffee, I tasted...at like 6 7 8 9 damn I was there a while today. hopefully I fall asleep, a good rule for me, if I wanted to sleep, quit 5 hours ahead.

so if you work hard, you can get a lot out of the things you do in life. cause I was like yeah cause if you study and work hard in korean class you can get a lot out of it, and shes like, thats like everything in life.. oh yeah niceeeee.

i'm changing exponentially..yak said hes pretty much done changing, good business I'll grow for a while right now.

i like dont have control of my life, something is just calling me and it doesn't look like I'll be attending the U anymore..

wanna know something crazy? i look at wellsfargo online i have an oustanding credit bill, and like brokness in checking.. i check another day.. i have still an oustanding credit bill..checking..11,000 dollars. hmm howd you get there?

the other day down to three gssss. today i didn't wait any longer, if the bank fucked up I promis i'll give the money back. today checking 800. credit bill 0.00. holla! i won the lottery!

i'm going to take my depression and kick it in the butt in differen't ways. but i'd rather not hurt people so i still want to go see that guy at the counsceling center, better late than never.

expression is good, before you crack speak up. it was really hard but the reaction and feedback was well worth it, it was intense. but I spoke up willingly, under no influence just myself. it helped a lot, I saw their perspective, it is actually a scary deal. i can't hurt myself its just not worth it. the pain it could cause. I said I don't want to hurt people, don't hurt yourself cause that does hurt people who care about you. sigh. i'm so hungry. i had a sandwich from 7 11 and milk for linner, i can't believe I didn't eat dinner. i'm so deprived i didn't eat a real meal today, fruit and some bread and kimbab after service. ohhh i'm soo hungry and I can't even make breakfast tomorrow morning, maybe we can catch breakfast at jakes hasuk.

ps if you get a chance I do killer breakfast. its so diverse and its cooking that is delicious. I could make your mouth water, but that would make my stomach hurt more. jake doesn't seem to want to go yet so i'll keep writing.

the messages are great, i write during service, its like taking notes in philosophy class, but with sincere meaning. and I look at those notes and it feels like philosophy i can relate to, a weird perspective. but its amazing. i wont get into it.

i'm still so hungry. i can't believe i'm running after 4 hours of sleep. insane. i'm going be weak and sick, and i'm going bungy jumping ahha thats so wrong in spelling in tminus some hours. i duno if i'd fall asleep, my plan to crash failed.

i put off a weird vibe, I must. or something. maybe i'm to serious. i like doing what I like to do. when I have to do stuff other people like to do, then I just get sucked in. like the bar, I was supposed to have a shot and a brew, then I was good. ready to go. but like I said 3 hrs later finally we went. i was pretty tired by then. I guess I just wont go clubbing anymore. i said last night I missed dancing with girls that turn. but I grooved with a s. african chick, she said she liked my nose ring. we got down to some olddd school music haha I saw the sign, it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, shes like you might not have been born when this song came out, I was like I know it. this is what I mean when I said I like old r and b and hip hop, music like that old mariah cary and coolio shit like that but I duno how to get into that music, i guess I could try.

me and this photographer are trying to hook up, now i've got my grind so were trying to get me into the studio. I want to do some artistic nude exposure, where you hide stuff tastefully. I like hanging out naked after my shower, i duno. but i probably should just take my time, ive got all these thoughts, but then its like a funny thought process, and it applys to like everything. so when time comes it all fits. its weird. i dig it tho. i'm listening to blue grass sessions. good stuff.

blahb lahb alh

hmm its been interesting...

I really wish I didn't get down.

i mean getting like downnnn is pretty bomb, groovin and shit. but getting down, that shits no good. and there isn't much of a reason, but sometimes it develops on its own. or something little can put me under, no good.

so there were a couple of nights, unplugged in new york the chorus of one of the lines is let me take a ride, hurt yourself. but I was listening to music and ran into the nevermind version, let me take a ride.. cut yourself. so apples and gouda cheese are good, and i washed and cut the apple. after eating i ran into the above. strange, i picked the tab off the beer I had, and made a quick dash against my wrist, you know theres just a small amount of metal on that tab, nothing fierce. just to see what somebody with a razor could potentially do, scary stuff, you can see lines of blue in that area, thats somewhere intense. I picked the area on the underside of the forearm where there arent veins to be seen. I dragged and tried with the dull side of the knife, they look like bruised little worms now. no blood drawn just a sting during my shower. once out of curiousity. second night I was just down again or someshit, maybe I wasn't even but, like from how pushy people were trying to fight to get on the bus. funny huh? the stupidest thing. I got home, took a look at myself in the mirror. its a regular thing, look at stuff, think talk to me int he mirror ponder things. just a reflection. without much though I grabed my razor, its a pretty cool razor actually, like old school like where the top is all metal and it uses an actual thing that looks like a razor blade you put between two plates. on the edge of the two plates some metal sticks out, not so sharp as the edge. these lines are a thin, but split into the next layer of skin, so you see white turn to red, no particular reason but not to really care or to think. just to do. its somewhat probably meaningless but it has meaning during that second, where i'm pressing in, dragging seeing what will come out. no drops of blood though, if I had some of those i'd probably try and write a few lines some weird shit like that. but i took care, triple anitobiotic after the shower. floss daily, brush and get a full nights rest.

its weird cause today after my ceramic studio i came out and it was beautiful, such a lovely day and listning to music made it give a feeling of warmth that you might get from a movie..or life. but now i'll probably meet up some friends pretty soon here. so weird.

it makes me feel bad, I thought of the cute little girl I'm teaching, how shed probably end up calling me obba, i've never been called that before. but if i'm depressed during that time I could hurt somebody. thatd be the worst thing. i've experienced, once somebody wanted to take their life and the life of the one i love most. fucked up. I don't know if I can love that person. fucked up. wish I could say I do, would I cry if that person died tomrrow? fucked up hush peter. that hurt me. i have a friend, she says she goes into a funk every once in a while. it was hard, it was like I couldn't do anything to help, and it felt I was part of the depressing. i just gave her space, after class I watched her walk with a friend, he just joked around and stuff, he didn't see what I saw. but it was great cause she smiled, and that made my day. I just kept my space for a little bit and then tried to cheer her up, :) i remember when she came out the most beautiful thing, back to herself childish and happy. we talked about that shit the next day, i captured a moment and I remember the deepness of that feeling. damn dude such reflection.

four tet is so chill.

coffee and cigarettes

i've got that pressure, feels like coffee and cigarettes.

but I didn't smoke and drank my coffee this morning. it makes breaths deep and the mind calm. it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I'm smiling though.

emotional, very much so. confused, talking it through. thoughts, they're beautiful. but reality turns them into dreams. a desire, and a moment. but made barriers may not give it a chance at this present time. whatever we do we know it'll work for the best.

shes the most wonderful person, loving very much so. shes so kind and pure, I've heard and said she is an angel..mos def. a true gift. so I'm happy I can express these things, I don't want to keep this in when its so beautiful. appreciating what I have now I can soon send that email.

its been so good to have her as a friend, where these feelings were built on relationship, a foundation thats solid. moments like these though can make or break, I can't hurt this, she wouldn't deserve any of it. maintain the friendship at all costs peter man. appreciate it man and truly I do. I care sooo much I swear I do.

so lets keep getting closer and more comfortable. i'd like to keep showing you that I do care, and that this relationship is beautiful. lets move past the romance and just be good. like yoseb said. Friends are just cool. Period.
긑

i can't leave myself hanging. I was kind of mad I said it was jealousy, art isn't about that I guess I get down on myself. and now I'm trying to take back what I said. I rang him up last night, left a message, telling him how I really liked his work, really impressed for sure. maybe its something inspiring, in each of us. trade ideas, build off each other, give encouraging words, help express the meanings through our arts. my bad man. but he already hit me back, made me feel good and gave me some props, thanks man that makes it all count. i mean anyone can become technically skilled, its the thing about expressing your meaning through your art, and how you go about it that matters. i should keep that meaning in mind.

anyways I'm trying to take life not so seriously. word.

my head is like a moobie maybe cause if your looking at images linked with music, it makes it seem like it fits together, like dark side and the wizard of oz. and plus staring out a bus window is so calm, passing images you only get that moment to take it in. I don't know if theres a point to that.

i've been playing a lot of guitar..i got some of my scales back, like that slidy one you really like, while I was jamming to fire on the mountain. still maybe probably need my gibson soon.

i wish I was like super goofy and easy going. but I was laughing last night by myself, and like yelling and stuff, for fun it was good. I was just chilling in my apartment cause I didn't have anything to do today. but i've got a grind coming up next week, i get drawing lessons in exchange for teaching the daughter english...can I bring like comic books? haha it should be fine. then I go three times a week to do ceramic work... hopefully I can learn the functional and traditional form to lay my foundation hollarr and he will be teaching me about kilns..so I can get my own work and studio some day...brady ..he doesn't read this I don't think but we should get a krew, wait we have a krew, and build a woodfire kiln , stay up for a few days and nights, hold temp fire one off. its bomb i swear, intense and fucking crazy for sure. for sure gotta stop by that place by pats cabin, we know we see it cause we always miss the turn and end up driving too far. haha

i make pretty good coffee now. black its good. i volunteer my time at the gom dabang, the bear cafe in exchange for free cofffee, maybe i'll work there later but for now this is super chill. each cup takes patience and is made by hand, slowly letting the grinds rise and settle, releasing that goodness and then letting it drip slowly through the filter, its like a differen't art, and the smell..ahhhhhh i wish I could smell like coffee beans hahah. you can see the oils collect at the top and man pat this is good shit man i look forward to having you at my cafe someday hahah. we'll see.

man i wish I could go back into my memories, and just appreciate that moment like I do when reflecting it. I miss my life, what was and not so much what is. I guess I might be missing this so I should love this right now too. fyi i'm just chilling at pc bang, i've got an hour or two before I got something. ohh snap it makes me jump a little. maybe you'll find out why :)

i'm good.

ps anybody know the country codes in calling to korea??

i'm a father hater, what can I do to see the love in him? i'm trying.
yoseb asks do you talk to your sister? umm not not really. were not that close...
what about your mom?? yeah I talk to her...but i only started last year.. ???his reaction.
well I didn't really talk to people before that... oh...but now I talk to people, and its good. ahhhh.
i wish I could express everything and let you guys just know. but thats not logical. I don't like having things hidden, cause it builds and makes up stupid pointless false meanings in my mind. i wish I could just be super open and super free, not restricted by outer things. hopefully I can be that comfortable some day.

damn i forgot my card, ps remind myself to go to that site with my card. okay word check. asap. later. use me...what can I do...i can give.

looking at my friends profile picture, it just solidifies my thought that I don't have what it takes. I can't be better, I can't be more creative, I can't be the best. I thought I was passionate, one semester for him and he's creating great works, technically difficult and beautiful in forms of function and abstract use. that sucks but thats good for him, hes always better than me, this is jealousy speaking now. fuck. now im at my low. what can I do? I feel I don't deserve things in my life, my friends, my opporunities. there to good.

it discourages me. doesn't even want to make me try to become better. it makes me want to disappear into a hole, just to lose myself and not have a mind to care what is happening in the world. I have been given the chance and I didn't try my hardest, im so frustrated. I could go for a pick me up now, maybe one of those cigarettes in that pocket. fuck.

I went to church, theyre different than catholic churches I found out, it was really great though. but something about a empty cathedral makes me feel so small, puts me in my place. humbles me. Todays message was to let God do work through us. If we say to him use me, i'm at your hands. at our weakness he will be able to use us, what is it that I can do? I'm pretty lost. so use me, I will follow your path and I know love and good will follow. I don't need to fear and I know I will be saved.

I can't kick this feeling, I have so much happening coming up I need to get my spirits up. I'll fill you in soon, and maybe update a picture, I've pierced my nose. later

i almost forgot the the moments, we ran through so many names while we were sitting at hobar. we really thought about you guys last night I hope that means anything through these writings. I'm not going to go into it but for sure we did.

boredom, com. cheesecakes and

i'm bored.

i'm a waste right now.

that being said hopefully next week I'll find more to do...(waiting on a teacher about art lessons, ceramic opps, working, going to hongdae tomorrow to see if I can volunteer my time to learn coffee, searching for a church without much luck, going into a photography studio, trying to fill my time with yak, looking for better things. yeah I think i'm just settling back in, thats gotta be it, i'll get a grind on soon. dinner tonight, go home. chill tomorrow, damn I just want to chill havent been home in a day or night. waiting for my dad to bring my guitar over. I should draw, nothings really inspiring me to though, maybe I should pick up a pencil.



perspective. not me this time around. I watch, look, they seem so chill. friends. talking at the bar, my friend digs cause hes all leaned into it. just chill. spend the night cool, talking, she comes over meets me, she takes pictures too, ohh thats why we've been carrying around our cameras everywhere. I should have been a little more out there, friendly talkative, interesting. i'm a bore at bars, communicating through forms of alcohol, not knowing what meaning is going to be taken from it all, wasting our time over drinks that depress me the next day. okay thats me not him. we're closing down the night, she comes over while I'm doing my thing, breaks my thought, shes like what next? pshh your asking the wrong guy I said something like perhaps going clubbing? uninterested in what I might say, she goes talks to the boy that doesn't deserve her. physical relationship on bullshit he even said she isn't his type leave it than man. after all night its unfair to see her walk over to him like a bad habit. does she not see the deeper meaning in which she could have, how my boy appreciate hers, her interests, hes becoming better for her. but its all good, cause were good. just minnesota good. so we're realin her in cause we're that cool, and she wants to go take photos, she wants me to teach them things...uhhh go stare at cameras for some hours and read a manual...jk. but I took a picture of them...because somebody has to take the picture, hopefully it'll be good so me and yak can develop it and give it to her, I duno something sweet. I tell him you'll be in europe this summer, just be that good, make that many sweet memories, so she'll think of you or something. if its anything than it can wait. that being said I was like I wasn't sure if you wanted me around, cause we'd get into this girl talk (he knows what ive thought and heard enough of my blahblahblah) so I wasn't sure. I just had to ask if it was okay that we were going to be talking about this. he dug. shes cool though, wears some cool glasses too. hope for the best



so it was pats bday. we had a few drinks...umm pat maybe more. a lot of new faces. some cool ones to, sams roomate, hes cool so chill i'm happy sam didn't get stuck with a stiff i would have felt bad. he really wanted me to enroll again, we're like family now, wait is it official we could be distant family? probably haha were kangstas for sure.



i'm listening to wilco and haven't figured out how to host yet, well I havent really tried. here goes a shot cause this song is pretty and i'd like to host it.

so yeah I guess last night was good. got a slice of cheese cake at like 11 from some place, was sure to ask and make sure it tasted good, she reassured me for sure. talked to sams roomate a little, and chilled will sam smore. but Its not like we did in our room, thats what I miss. well I did what I wanted to do so i've still got another 45 minutes to kill before dinner. man all day i've just waited for dinner...how lame.

reading what I wrote, I did what I said I was going to do. went to hongdae, talked to admissions and found out what was necessary to enter and when I should be applying and taking my examinations. I talked to art profs who said they'd help me develop my drawing skills...which are at the level of doodles, and get me another, hopefully, ceramic dude to just work with to learn about kilns. I met a friend, shes going to take me around hongdae thursday, show me the studios and classrooms, pleaseeeee don't be a concrete cell. students, I noticed some aren't that different. as in why are you at this school? its the most popular and well known art school in korea, did you just work your butt off so you could put a label on your name? anyways pat reminded me of this so I am making sure I like the campus, whcih I do, and the school which I havent seen much of. as with this I should look at other schools around korea, cause I think I want to stay in korea. what a commitment. okay enough.

the last two posts were done and and xed out. for some reason. I haven't written much lately, like its been months since my journal has gone like this. today I wrote down some music jake told me, philadelphia experiment and Roy hargrove "juicy" okay hmm so instead of writing i've been talking to my camera, like a video journal so to say. i've done them before, and before its really funny when I watch it later. remember max?? brady says the video could have been done better, so how can I make my travel videos better?? I dunno.

so hongdae, the major is glass and ceramics, glass hmmm thats an interesting field but the glass i've known has gotten me into trouble, along with breaking glass is like the worst thing ever. so as long as i'm above the influence then it'd be a cool field.

so I have to wait a year, 09, to attend. what am I going to do for a year. anyways its okay, people do school and then have no idea what to do, me I'll prepare to do school and then kick ass when I do school. cool. I could have graduated, dude I said all this stuff in the last blog I think. okay well i'm going to yonsei campus, student club we'll see how it is. wait i'm not a student. oh well. hey so i'm like not doing much, its weird. but next week maybe i'll be doing more stuff to fill you in with. hmmm

boredom I suppose. i havent put a guitar yet at my apartment. i'm lacking food so I gotta stock up on variety...lots of variety to make my food taste better. max what are some good necessary spices? tons of vegetables, potatoes I duno wont get into it here.

how longs it take to read one of these, if I started posting my videos would you guys watch? there probably ridiculous but thats okay.

so I said I was going crazy, but who am I everyones a little crazy. now its if its crazy good thats when something sweet can be done. okay this is one of those moments that reflects my art, did I talk to you guys about this or is that my video? should I tell you now or let you see the video? hmm well man this is repetitive if I tell you. okay here it is. i cut my hair, this is all a reflection okay. with just a thought. found scissors and started. went through without much thought, almost no thought actually. this is where some thought should have come in. thought process along the way allows for quality and meaning in each touch, in my case each snip. instead I proceed abstractly and spontaneously, like my last piece on the blog, did I post the picasso inspired vase with the big handle and markings in the clay? thats fun and completley spur the moment with a needle tool in hand. what an example everything reflects my artworkhmm funny. so instad of grabbing a mirror, I start snipping at the back, hmm hahah artwork is about expression and reaction, people react to seeing the back of my head hahaha, its not soo badhahah "the front looks good, but the back...its sad" yoseb. hahah i'll fix it...maybe. anyways umm so as in the boxes I made if I would have put quality in during the process I wouldn't have had to go back and scrape and rub at the leather hard more hard clay to make it symetric and nice. hmm will I be able to put quality in can I change? yeah i'll have to try, I gotta be good if Im gonna be a hongdae student. anyways I've got an advantage, thats i'm crazy...get over it. but I've heard that korean kids lack creativity and inspirations because they are forced to work so hard to just enter the college, drilled in drawing exercise to compete for the number of spots to be accepted. i've got tons of inspirations, tons of freedoms in mind and different exposures to art. but I've always wanted a little structure but i'll have to develop that on my own. study some korean ceramics is my goal, i'll let you know.

post college dream, go study under walter ostrum in nova scotia, neo majolica so I can glaze that little green pot with little gold details...no pressure. but serious, the workshop this summer, i should have focused, but now i've got that inspiration in mind and it can just marinate, weird word, in my mind. instead I brushed on what could have been a very delicate and precise, beautiful and elegant form of glazing but headed off with those impressionistic and abstract painters, wheres the experience. another thing i talked in my video, ive got interests but they are all underdeveloped, this is the time to start developing and make me one fine artist. i feel pressured to go eat so i should be going. post neomajolica go start my cafe, invite pat and hannah to co host, and live for a while and make a bad (good) cup of coffees. but who knows where that cafe'll be...exciting. laterssss art+coffee is chill peace.

I do these little things for people. to make it seem I care. I don't get it. And sometimes I consider there feelings too much, and it just doesn't make sense. I guess I need to chill out. I saw my lanugage buddy on the street, its been a long time since so we had a quick talk and said bye. for some reason I thought there had to be more said and I called and saw if she wanted to bowl with us...it was completely unecessary. I don't know.

so I don't even know who reads this, or why they read it. what keeps you guys coming back? what keeps you guys caring about me? I dunno.

apparently theres a lot of stuff I don't know. I feel weird. kinda nostalgic, but its different these days. I miss you guys. thats the feeling right now. some emptyness I couldn't really express. now I didn't take time before to reflect, but it surfaces on its own. I guess entering places I used to be, memories I made within them and the lack of the same thing makes me miss it all together. Life, its differen't, always changing. but it'll be cool cause it just works. cause I was thinking hey yak, like after I'm done here, maybe i'll show up in minnesota and be like, yo what up!? lets make this, (as we talked about make magazine yesterday).

hmm I'm longing and alone. I guess I'm good though. i'm doing alright. I haven't written in four or 5 days. i guess I don't feel like it. its kinda like I don't have my shit together, like I'm a waste of a person. i'm not in school. i don't have a job. I can't speak korean. i can't write korean. why am I on the down side right now, this is when somebodys got to be like be optimistic man. fuck it.

Ive been skating around ilsan lately. plugged in and got the things I need in my bag. I went through the hofs, not interesting at all. saw cafes that just didn't look good. just kept going, in and out of traffic, not caring if they're honking or wanting to run me over. up curbs over manholes I guess I lost myself in that and it was just good. I found an organic market and picked up some rice, fruits veggies and was on my way again. and now i'm in shinchon, got my bag and board and 'll probably go over to hongdae, I might work at gom dabang. hopefully I'll get to talk to somebody at school and take a look around the studios. the U's studio has the best kiln room in the nation, can you believe that? but the place is a cement cell, I just don't work well in those places. but when have I worked well? jeez man take it easy you made some good stuf fin your day. a thing about my work, it starts off improvised, always its a bit abstract. I need direction in my own. so yeah' i'll do traditional and functional korean art. okay I can do that. but still I start to fast, without a thought, and I have to go back and refine the mistakes I made along the way that just with a little more thought and quality put it it would have been what I really wanted. all this writing is stupid, cause I can contradict everything I just said in my mind with something else I've done. this is frustrating. but I don't want to leave it at this. why bother. this is differen't to me, but if you probably read the whole blog, its probably the same, I think i'm doing something differen't but to somebody elses eye its the same style. so I guess that solidifies its me, no matter how so its just me.

so its pretty close to official, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. hondae has international students, and I can enter in at sophmore and a half, thats pretty good.

me and jake had a good talk yesterday over coffee and cigarettes, I couldn't help it, just being back in there made me. it was worth the talk we had. i guess I'll leave it at that though