hmm its been interesting...

I really wish I didn't get down.

i mean getting like downnnn is pretty bomb, groovin and shit. but getting down, that shits no good. and there isn't much of a reason, but sometimes it develops on its own. or something little can put me under, no good.

so there were a couple of nights, unplugged in new york the chorus of one of the lines is let me take a ride, hurt yourself. but I was listening to music and ran into the nevermind version, let me take a ride.. cut yourself. so apples and gouda cheese are good, and i washed and cut the apple. after eating i ran into the above. strange, i picked the tab off the beer I had, and made a quick dash against my wrist, you know theres just a small amount of metal on that tab, nothing fierce. just to see what somebody with a razor could potentially do, scary stuff, you can see lines of blue in that area, thats somewhere intense. I picked the area on the underside of the forearm where there arent veins to be seen. I dragged and tried with the dull side of the knife, they look like bruised little worms now. no blood drawn just a sting during my shower. once out of curiousity. second night I was just down again or someshit, maybe I wasn't even but, like from how pushy people were trying to fight to get on the bus. funny huh? the stupidest thing. I got home, took a look at myself in the mirror. its a regular thing, look at stuff, think talk to me int he mirror ponder things. just a reflection. without much though I grabed my razor, its a pretty cool razor actually, like old school like where the top is all metal and it uses an actual thing that looks like a razor blade you put between two plates. on the edge of the two plates some metal sticks out, not so sharp as the edge. these lines are a thin, but split into the next layer of skin, so you see white turn to red, no particular reason but not to really care or to think. just to do. its somewhat probably meaningless but it has meaning during that second, where i'm pressing in, dragging seeing what will come out. no drops of blood though, if I had some of those i'd probably try and write a few lines some weird shit like that. but i took care, triple anitobiotic after the shower. floss daily, brush and get a full nights rest.

its weird cause today after my ceramic studio i came out and it was beautiful, such a lovely day and listning to music made it give a feeling of warmth that you might get from a movie..or life. but now i'll probably meet up some friends pretty soon here. so weird.

it makes me feel bad, I thought of the cute little girl I'm teaching, how shed probably end up calling me obba, i've never been called that before. but if i'm depressed during that time I could hurt somebody. thatd be the worst thing. i've experienced, once somebody wanted to take their life and the life of the one i love most. fucked up. I don't know if I can love that person. fucked up. wish I could say I do, would I cry if that person died tomrrow? fucked up hush peter. that hurt me. i have a friend, she says she goes into a funk every once in a while. it was hard, it was like I couldn't do anything to help, and it felt I was part of the depressing. i just gave her space, after class I watched her walk with a friend, he just joked around and stuff, he didn't see what I saw. but it was great cause she smiled, and that made my day. I just kept my space for a little bit and then tried to cheer her up, :) i remember when she came out the most beautiful thing, back to herself childish and happy. we talked about that shit the next day, i captured a moment and I remember the deepness of that feeling. damn dude such reflection.

four tet is so chill.