I feel I need to try. Or at least die trying. It's probably not as glamorous as it seems, but if I can make ends meet being in the mountains more often than I am now, I think that'd be the life. If I can climb, fish, and tend a garden, I'd be content.

Being in specialty coffee for the last two and a half years has been great. But I can't imagine doing the same thing for the next 5 years. I don't have a desire to have my own shop or run things like I'm the boss. Passive income is a dream for small business owners, but not one I really care to achieve. It'd be a little sad to be out of the loop and where the industry is going, but I think it wouldn't be to hard to pick back up. It's hard doing the grind and feeding people coffee that you care about, but they don't. I'm tired of small talk and superficial interactions, as funny as it is to see people check themselves out and the mirror, it gets old.

Marriage is difficult. It makes me so depressed at times. There's so much expectation I cannot meet, and so much needed change that doesn't happen. More let downs, more pressure, more sadness. I think the best part though is feeling someone next to you when you sleep and wake. That makes me happy. 

Recent things

Mt Arapiles and Grampians National Park were amazing. The araps really stood out as the gem of our 10 day trip down in Victoria. I wish I could have a month to stay down there and climb.

We are trying to decide what to do about our visa ending in March. We are far from family here in Australia, but the weather is good, and the climbing is quite amazing. Its hard to want to move somewhere so remote from good climbing, such as Montreal. With long cold winters, snobby French pride, and not much climbing, whats the good?

A shop front, low rent, new city. It could come with its fair share of good and bad experiences, just as moving to Sydney had. I could live in a climbing gym, but the only way to improve on that grade is, climb on rock.

What is in Southern California? What is near Joshua Tree that we may live and sustain a life? What about in Oregon with Zach, Smith Rock.

What about our desires to travel, experience, see the world? Money is the issue it seems. We don't save much living here in Sydney. We have student tuition, limited working hours for Sol, and high rent. The expenses really add up, and we dont have a big enough income to do more than get by and take some interstate trips. Its hard to have enough to travel abroad.

Maybe we can sell a lot of stuff by the time March rolls around, travel to New Zealand, do the Arapiles and Grampians again, and then head on over to the States. Hopefully we can have enough saved to be able to do such a thing.

Kind of stuck. 

Considering fear

I like to think I've done some amazing things in my lifetime, but almost for the first time, I haven't been able to shake the heavy sense of responsibility that is connected to success and failure. I am scared of where I'll live, what I will do, if I can go beyond hospitality and hourly jobs. I find myself thinking I should have studied IT and gotten a good job. I have thoughts that I should quit hobbies that won't have a return on them, so I can focus on what matters. I find my priorities out of order. I took a leap of faith and moved to Sydney two years ago. It's been the greatest journey, but now that I've gained my rhythm, it seems the reality of immigration could shake things up in a year. Then what? Move to America and work for 8 dollars an hour? Start a cafe with no guarantee? Pursue a guiding career that is even more spotty than a free lance life coach. I've jumped from rock faces, scaled building walls, been sucked down by waves twice my height, but those fears last but seconds. Maybe I've lost the spring in my step, the innocence to my hope. Or maybe it's just hidden away, just right beyond that shadow of unknown. I guess time will tell. Peter

But this makes me smile and laugh. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e-7UbU45a1U