Monday, October 26, 2009

a tender place

I arrived home this morning, knocked on what used to be an empty door, to see my mom sitting on the floor, doing her small quilting craft things. Roy was on my bed, David lee was on the floor, caleb was in a tangle of blankets right beside diddy, I was happy to be home. Anyways its good to have my mother here. I hope it will be something special. I want to be able to serve her and be a big blessing to her. I want to be more loving and caring to her. I hope she becomes a grandmother soon. I think my sister is going to get married next year.

Anyways I took two weeks out to go help in the relief efforts in the Philippines. It was one of the most memorable trips for me. I actually replay the events when I close my eyes. It seems my life moves so fast sometimes that I can barely take time to reflect on it, this is different though. I see all the smiling faces, I see the crying faces, I see the poor faces, I see the blind faces, and in all these I see the joy. The Filipino people are quite amazing. They might have one of the most hospitable cultures in the world, and they are so selfless in their giving. It may not always be the best thing. They love joking together when they have times of chilling out together, man if only I knew more of their tongue, my good friend Em said we'd be cracking up all day. Hes a real good guy. They love to play, after our two day medical missions at one of the churches in metro Manila we had a great time of extended fellowship with a lot of the youth and young adults within that congregation. My good man Raffy whos really gifted in guitar and music (it seems like all Filipinos are gifted in dance and music) was a huge blessing to me. He helped us go into the 'refugee' centers, a school that they turned into a place where families found shelters, and he helped us to gather people to pray for them. We prayed with and for over a hundred people and I dont think Nathan and I would have been able to experience that without their sincere love. These small steps have really changed my life, in two weeks they really have been a huge blessing to me. It was my promise to them to continue to keep them in my mind and in my prayers. Thats all they wanted, more than money, more than food, more than shelter, they just wanted prayer. They were so grateful to God even in the worst of circumstances, they were just so thankful for their family and their own lives. They weren't bitter and angry, I couldnt explain it. When we would pray, most of the time it would be whatever, but it was the times when people would start getting tears that I would really wonder what God wanted to do. Thats why my heart is wanting to chase God, because he really comes alive and speaks in the hardest of times, to any people any time. We worked with Native Partners for World Missions (NPWM) which was started by our mother church Jeil Sungdo. It is so awesome to see so many different churches participating in this mission group. I'm so suprised in how much madam Hwang pours out her time and money into this thing. Its a powerful ministry that has over 16 countries represented and probably hundreds of churches. With them we bought 200 bags of rice and distrubuted that to the different churches and communities in the typhoon effected areas. We fumed for mosquitos, we visited small mountain churches and had wonderful times of prayer and worship. These little things that come together are so perfect and so needed. One guy with a mosquito smoker that was able to lend it to us may just have prevented hundreds of families from getting bit up by mosquitos carrying things even more gnarly than malaria. One pastor with a friend in the pharmacy was able to put a team of over 10 medical doctors and dentists that serve over a 1000 people, giving medical check ups, prescription drugs, and even tooth pullings. We were able to be a part of that by being available to lend a hand and be a lover to pray for as many people as we could who were waiting in the different lines. and then the team I was with, my team, they were awesome. I saw hearts healed, attitudes transformed, bondages and dependencies broken off of children (picking up cigarette butts on the ground) just by loving on them and showing them goodness and mercy for ten fifteen minutes. Its my favorite testimony when I saw a sister who doesn't have a heart for children, get a crazy loving heart for children. Its my favorite thing to witness, and when you witness, their love shines. The most beautiful thing. I'm excited, because the things unseen, have to be waited on. And all the prayers went somewhere, and I know they went up, into inscence bowls, being filled, with prayer and petition, till God tells the angels to throw them down to earth, and turn our lives inside out. The Philippines is poor, and many are even more poor in spirit, I believe God wants them just there. The righteous are going to stand up and they are going to go into the world, the Filipinos are going to stand up, and they're going to go into the nations with their loving and affectionate hearts, and they're going to do Isaiah 61. What i've been learning is that Gods thoughts are so much higher than my own, Pro 3:5 says trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. This just encouraged me so much. When I think God 'didn't' meet my expectations, this just says he has something so much more in store. Anyways I promised Em i'd be back within two years, I've said it once, and its happened before.
but even though this trip was so amazing, I had such a rough day today.
I barely could function. I didn't want to sleep when I needed to, I didn't want to eat when I should have, I felt restless, oppressed, and worn down empty. I tried to swing into my routine and I struggled and had to leave early. I tried putting my effort to my responsibilities but nothing made sense. It was only till I got home after trying to live, and went into my bedroom, saying I don't want anything from this world, because its making my heart hurt, and I just want to spend some time with the one that matters.

I sang songs, I read the red print that are the words of Jesus, and I was face down in meditation upon my life. I layed down my hardships, how school could potentially overwhelm me, how I can't made a solid friend within my major, how I am selfish, a falling sinner the second I got off the plane. I told him my desires; for intimacy not only with him. I told him I just want to be available, not to be known, or large, or strong, or mighty. I just want to be available. The vision I hold onto still seems impossible for me, all the details and the this and thats, whos and hows. Its not my duty, I just need to keep dreaming and I believe doors will open on their own.

I need to rest though.
God bless ya'll

Sunday, September 27, 2009

expression and sometimes the lack of it

Starting off with the not so good.

I've had difficulties expressing myself vocally. It used to be so easy for me to box up and just refer to myself as, this is who I am. These words I spoke over myself had so much power and restrained me from the full potential in the relationships that I built. My eyes are being opened though. My roomate David has been a huge encouragment to me and a big challenge as well. At first I thought our rooming together would be easy go lucky and it would have been if we didn't want to sharpen each other into something better.

I had an encounter, a couple of times, Davids from NY, they have a different sense of humor out there. On multiple occasions he was joking around and he crossed the line, but he didn't know he was stepping on that boundary. I didnt speak up and as he kept messing around with me I blew up. I should have acted out of love and spoken, but I acted out of frustration and didn't act in a right manner. We both calmed down real quick and I was quick to forget about what happened, but later when we were walking home he brought it up. He told me I couldn't be acting like that, if it was anybody else it could have escalated into something far worse and even more ridiculous. Looking back in my past too, I used to blow up like this. Out of frustration in a moments notice, when I thought I was patient, crossing that line really blew up my temper. It has been revealed now that I need to be patient, and be acting out of love. I'm sure we are going to have many more run ins, but I'm really glad we talked this one through. I'm not willing to be put into a box anymore, i'm not satisfied with the weaknesses in my personality, and I'm definately not just going to live with it.

Moving on Emmaus had a retreat this past weekend and it was a really blessed time for all of us. I really had a heart that was falling away from this ministry, but I was really encouraged to ownership of this Christian Fellowship. Looking at it, I am a fruit birthed from this ministry, it is doing a very good thing. It was different this time though, instead of the students coming to receive and just be blessed, we ended up being called to give. We had a prayer meeting blessing each other, we spoke kind and encouraging and up lifting words to one another and ourselves, then we blessed the ministry. As we were praying for the ministry I took a look around at all the students in the intimacy of the spirit and really saw them taking up their cross and taking up the calling to push for greater things to be done with this ministry. This ministry is the students, and what is comes to is how much we put into it. I saw their passions rise and I saw how huge all of our potentials were, it was a very beautiful and special moment for me.

I've also been joining Ywam, Youth with a Mission, at my school in hongdae. The involvement has just been wanting to make friends, but my heart is wanting to grow deeper for the Korean students of my school. Its a new season for me, after being with Yicf, and Emmaus for (this is my fourth semester) three semesters, its been placed on my heart to take that step I havent yet, and put 100 percent into reaching out to the Korean people. I find many challenges and wait patiently upon Gods timing and wisdom in making this transition, but I'll be attending worship on Tuesday with Ywam instead of Emmaus more frequently. Its a huge step of faith, leaving the community of English speakers to be immersed in a Korean ministry. I'm really excited though, because the spirit of God stays the same in all cultures and peoples and languages. Not only by reaching out to the Christian Koreans, I want to be a better friend to my class mates. I want to have a heart that wants to share with them and play with them and love on them. I'm excited to see my heart grow for them.

I'm hoping that as my heart grows for my Korean class mates , my heart will develop for the broken hearted in North Korea. I really want to enter that land and be an encourment and a blessing to those who have faced so much persecution and hardships through so many years of dictatorship. This is just the beginning.

3:21pmPeter
... thats hard for me to udnerstand
3:22pmYoungkyung
I am a worshipper...
I am a worshipper...
that is who I am...I need to do what I should do...
3:23pmPeter
yeahh you are. I'll be praying for you too
3:23pmYoungkyung
last whole year I have been struggling with it
extrem and passionsate worship I was expecting...and looking for...
like as I used to do that in NC
but same time I love to stay in jsem
3:26pmPeter
I know, we all love you too.

3:26pmYoungkyung
thank you...I love you guys too..
pray for me....I just want His will
not what I tend to...love to...
but His way
3:27pmPeter
I will and will and will
3:27pmYoungkyung
힝...피터....
3:27pmPeter
ㅠ_ㅠ3:28pmYoungkyung
3:28pmPeter
누나 it'll be really good
3:28pmYoungkyung
누나 생각해주는 사람...피터 밖에 없구나....우잉...ㅠㅠ


it touched my heart...it moved my heart

very spiritual...I could feel your heart...emotion

what the...is it really peter???

that I was telling to myself...haha

3:31pmPeter
its what i've prayed always, God let me express your emotion through my arts and hand, I didn't konw he was answering my prayer
3:32pmYoungkyung
yes!! he answered...

God is good. Jesus, keep on.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

fixing a broken heart.

I dont care what you look like, I dont care what kind of job you have, I dont care how much money you have. If you would go into the darkest of places, into the lives of the very broken, and pour all that your heart is able to out into these people, you hold a very special place in my heart.

Its so hard speaking with friends who just dont know. To speak to a friend who can talk lightly about prostitution, when there are children, boys and girls, having to sell their bodies to be raped just for a piece of daily bread.

I looked for photographs concerning garbage dumps and the children that suffer trying to find things to eat and sell. The comments made me feel so shallow, 'great composition, powerful shot, this makes my heart ache' I feel so worldly. What good and use is my photography. I thought about this. Its only when I get there, to show the world of the absolutely broken, and then tell the story of how Jesus healed their disease, gave them their daily bread, poured out so much more love to forgive themselves for the lives they had to live, and show the new wine skin, bestowed on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. I dont really know how I'd respond. If I was taken to a garbage dump site, would I be able to withstand the sensory overload. Imagine hearing the cries of children sick and starving, image the piles of garbage, flies, rotting food that'd I'd be stepping on, the smells coming from all of that. I'd probably gag. I'd also probably be told to hug that child thats on his hands and knees, I'd probably be told to give him something to eat, I'd probably try and speak with him, tell him I love him.

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/05/29/heroes.noun/index.html
When I saw this come on the news... I thought she was doing a good thing. To call her a hero, thats another thing. As I was watching this in Phnom Pehn in 2008, I looked over behind the desk beside the tv to the cork tumbtack on the wall, where pictures of sister Sothea were posted. The pictures showed she was working with a small group of young orphan adults, ministering in the same garbage dumps, reaching out to the starving, sick, lost, and broken. They went out with gifts, and encouragments, and love. Right under my nose I saw the news being lived. Its only a step away. i'm one step away from, instead of seeing the child who is joyful and so happy to be loved and welcomed into home to one step of seeing him before, when I'd be taking that abandoned child from off the garbage dump, broken, starving, and looking for a home. Thats a real testimony.

I worry about the simplest things in life. The next excuse I'll have to make so I wont have to help with the school theme week, if I'll be able to reserve a moving truck. If I'll be able to clean my home, before I move my furniture. Sometimes I just do take things for granted. I skip one meal and complain of my hunger. I feast my eyes on clothes, cameras, girls, the worthless thing they're selling on the corner. Whats it all for. Sometimes I wish I was able to sell it all, give it to the poor, and follow Jesus into the areas where his love is greatest. I'm that young rich man, who walks away unable to do so.

I never realized I'd been sent out of Minnesota. I hadn't figured out what drew me to Korea in the first place. That purpose is still unknown, but that purpose is still yet to be revealed.

I was so selfish. And it feels like I'm even more now. I know so much more I need to give it all I have, but I dont. I'm learning though. I'm trying to be the best servant I can be. Its not about what you can take from people, its about what you can give. My friends have given me such a diverse upraising, and now its my turn to go out and bless friends, family, brothers and sisters.

This is what my heart broke for recently. Now you know.

We all sit on different paths, I'm just waiting for ours to meet up again. I hope this is speaking to you.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

At joon's dads place.

As i walk into the studio (of my wheel throwing prof, an hour and a half our of Seoul) past low work tables covered with baskets and crates full of plates and ceramic pieces, past jars and pots that line the walls and shelves, past cylinders of tools, brushes and glazes, I walk to the right, following my buddy Joon as he calls me that way, I walk to the second room, that is a little more dimly lit, with a bookshelf of small pots and more tools and paddles and brushes, I see a low table with a cut out for a wheel, that sits with a small square stool, and a bucket of water that is 3/4 filled with settled slip and clay, and I take a 270 look around and see a door to my left, a large wooden table that is a little more than knee high (sort of a traditional sitting area) that too has the same as which was covering the other surfaces of the studio, I see a large metal shelf with bowls and the large jars that could look like the moon, for they are textured, and full of ash that must have come from the wood kilns that sat outside in the open warehouse right outside these studios. This is a studio/warehouse, which its hallways are made from tall shevles, with walls made from stacks and stacks of plates, cups, saucers, and those large moon jars, varying from porcelain, to woodfired stoneware, to unglazed terra cotta. I double backed towards the entrance of the second studio and found the dark cooridor that led to a third room, a narrow passage made to look as though it was a hallway, and I walked past a shelf a little more than ten feet and turned to the stair case that climbed up next to the walk, with gaps large enough where choco could easily fall to the depths (fricken choco) as I walked up this stair case, that ran perpendicular to the roof's rafters more shelves started to appear in my periferal vision to the left, and as I reached the top I saw rows and rows, to my awe filled with thousands of lidded boxes, water droppers, vases, jars, cups, plates, handbuilt figures, sculptures, and who knows what was in the depths of the shadows. This warehouse room was being lit by the "upstairs studio" which its threshold was glowing white with light. I walked past 3 or 4 shelves and stepped into this room, Joon already entered and I stepped down and took a seat on the small stair case, looking around at this room, in which I felt the atmosphere change as though it were a different dimension. there was a peace about this room, and elegance and respect so to say. Coming from the gray concrete, metal shelves, and the caos of ceramics covereing everything, this room was different. to my left stood tears of small wooden steps so to say, with a display of wood fired 'moon' jars. on the adjacent wall stood a large porcelain jar, nearly rising to my waist, and I felt into and gave it a nice flick to hear its ting compared to the tang of stoneware. there was a respect in these pieces, directly across from the doorway where I entered stood a well made wooden shelf that streched in an L fashion, with large square holes where pieces stood, altered bowls the size of my chest, in a shape of a heart, with a slight tint of red that came through the wood fire, about twenty large pieces stood in this shelf. as I turned towards the door, a small sitting table was covered with books and papers, and along the wall was a small shelf of books, ceramic figures, and what stopped me for a moments were these three small figures of an buddhist idol and a small mirror and I sat and pondered for a bit. just pondered. I wont get into it. anyways as I walked back out it struck me in awe once again, the backlit pieces where the light was trying to reach as far as it could, only brushed the edges, so the shoulders, lips and rims had a small glow where the light reflected, and I tried exploring again but the pieces turned into dark shadowed figures. I walked back towards the stair case, down through the cooridor, through one room, out another and back outside facing the home, where my prof called me to get joon and grubble some dinner. I wondered about if i'll get to have a studio someday as this. where right outside the front door of the house, stood stacks of split wood, waiting to enter one of the two wood kilns, stretching up a slight slant more than twenty feet, to have a large grass yard, and a community in which the neighborhood shares the crops that each family is in charge of growing. (we helped dig some irrigation ditches today) I wondered if I should be a teacher, a professor... to teach my hearts dream. This was a blessed time of thinking about whats in store, I see I have a lot of hard work ahead of me, a lot to learn, and a lot to grow into. I entered the home of an artist, a teacher, and a believer. Just a interesting perspective.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

still so pleased to see you

so I got a lift from eddy,
to see my bike, judy, naked.
a feeling that I felt before,
like i've gone and done something wrong,

i thought i've paid for all i've done,
but i'm not quite sure anymore.
do I need to be reminded,
all they knew was their excitement.

My bicycle was parked with the moto's and bicycles at yonsei campus where eddy picked me up so we could go get pizza. and after an evening of hanging out, I returned to see my front and rear tires missing, and the coating of my bike chain being cut. My bike sat bare on the ground.

I think I take things for granted.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

this is why

I love close friends. cause you know exactly whats happening, even after months of being apart.

[12:47:43 AM] Andrew Neumiller: solid
[12:48:21 AM] Andrew Neumiller: lol yeah for sure. i wish i could live with all those heads, but at the same time i think i would end up going crazy lol
[12:49:21 AM] ohpedo: haha thats why now instead of doing the pre party clean you can be the mess of the party
[12:50:04 AM] Andrew Neumiller: hahahaha
[12:50:11 AM] Andrew Neumiller: peanut butter and crackers everywehre in the house
[12:50:16 AM] Andrew Neumiller: haha
[12:50:22 AM] ohpedo: not to mention gummy bears and popcorn
[12:50:28 AM] Andrew Neumiller: mmm
[12:50:34 AM] ohpedo: haha fricken coon
[12:50:35 AM] Andrew Neumiller: just coon the shit out of everything
[12:50:37 AM] Andrew Neumiller: hahaha

(notice the time differences)

maybe not the best example but the inside joke workings were precise and remembered. I guess thats my biggest struggle right now, trying to build upon new friends ships that hopefully will be as blessed as the ones I have. Its so hard when the students I meet come for a semester, maybe two, and I guess i'm at fault for not reaching my hand our earlier, but I'm learning how to trust closely again.

And the godly relationship is a beautiful thing, between brothers its not a lot of what and though it may be thousands of miles of way I truly cherish it. When he says pray for...and he trusts in me to lift that up, and we know exactly what it means. Just being able to share the good word, I guess these are new areas in my relationships that I'd like to see expand. Hey max did you ever talk to jon? I held his hand in florence as we prayed over things together, first time i've done that. It was quite a moving time. also in honoring sisters, I've got two choices in perspective. I can look towards attraction, or I can look to respect. I feel its a test, and a hard one at times especially with new relationships being deepened but I really think i'm in a time of growth, and who knows for how long but its okay.

more than once a day you just gotta crack up. life is just so much better that way, and i've forgotten how good it is. I'm being taught old things over again on a daily basis and its awesome. I didnt know why myunghwa was mad at me, but then I found out cause I didn't make sure our sisters got home safetly, I totally looked over the matter, but tonight I made sure to be on that. Also I find waking up and seeing my homework done is so relieving and satisfying compared to waking up and having sheets of korean homework waiting to be done. So lesson I learned today in my early morning get my pottery homework done frustration doing it early is so much easier.
yup yup. and to know when to get off facebook/restrict login, blog, chat, so forth. blah

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

intense scheduling. sort of

I'm trying to schedule out my days, pretty much hour to hour so this is around week two of trying this schedule and I'm working out a lot of kinks. A major kink is the lack of foundation on studying habits for my entire schooling career up until university, in which I only studied for environmental studies and ceramics. But lucky that my concentration is centered sort of around that area. So I woke at 8:00, which is a little latter than planned but its okay. I proceeded to push ups, a granola bar, some quiet time, and then carelessly ran to Spanish class. In Espanol I read out loud, to be told to reread because my t and another letter was over pronounced, and when asked to translate was one for three in managing, and in that made the class laugh through my korean translation. It entertains me as well, I dont take it that seriously, in that manner that I'm not latino and that I'm pretty american. But after class I headed to kyobo book store on bus 273 during my 11-1 space to find an english to spanish dictionary. On the bus I opened the window and let some of the nice warm breeze in, along with the yellow dust that has flown over from the Gobi dessert. :) along to let out some ridiculous farts, I put protein in some milk this morning and I think the mixture went bad. I'm sorry. So when I arrived walking through the underground passage up the walkway and in through the glass doors I walked past; clocks, pens (monte blanc) headphones, cds, different clocks, watches, molskins, for about 40 meters to the primarily english section where I past (took a look) comics, batman is uber expensive, then to a section on architecture and interior design where I spent a while looking at the different books displying beautiful homes (which I'd love to live in) green homes with some ridiculous exteriors, but some very beautiful with rain roofs or grass roofs that slant into a side of a hill or something wonderful like that. Then I fueled my want to learn more about design and architecture and interior design and then saw an indian korean couple where the father was looking at a home maintence book and I was like oh yeah lets get back to the basics instead of these fantasy picture books. So I waited for him to leave and took a look, and it showed nearly everything from tiling, to fixing squeky floors while using black and decker tools... tools man I do love them, must be a guy thing, when I go to the art store I usually pick up some tool I might need to use for some weird project I decided to do because I might use that tool... what a loop of a sentence. So after I looked at the books I grabbed my spanish dictioary (for beginners) and a comic book, persepolis...and proceeded to check out and head back to class, which I carelessly was late for once again. this was mixed media, which I didn't do my homework but managed to come up with an idea while in class which involves cast molding my face. the upperclassmen who said would help me told me he'd leave me with it on my face for the weekend, and cover my nose and mouth...then I told him if he were really chakhae nice he'd leave me a hole in my mouth so I could eat. (we talk about eating a lot and how hes going to make me banchan side dishes but hasnt because we laugh about me not having a rice cooker) anyways after class they told me I have to clean at five so I had some down time and went to go eat at the haksaeng shikdang which is like 2,700 for a giant pile of rice, jjegae soup, and banchan. thats a good enough meal for me. then I went to the wheel throwing room at 5:10 (its a fluke today, before I started school I'd be 10 minutes early for everything) today I was ten minutes late to everything, got to get back on that being early thang. anways I grabbed a mop and started mopping around and started talking to Lee Een Jin's song Joon who is a cat from LA. Cool dude I suppose at least he speaks english. We were wedging clay and talking and I was like they made us come in for 2 hours after school, for like two weeks in sort of a complaining voice. and the two classmates next to us where like well 'you didnt even come' in Korean, and I started laughing and told him I skipped a lot. I mean I know and knew how to do it. Anyways I'm walking in my skill and thats why some of my assignments are last minute and late...I know its not good...but I was talking today and I explained my encouraging concern that well if they're (classmates) are working this hard, they're gonna run past me. Its okay though, my focus is sort of basic so I'll take it well and slowly and get my basics in firm. Thats my issue, running from the basics. So I've declared this year a year of foundation. At least I'm attemping to remain that way. In all things I'm heading back to the basics and molding and shaping into something credible. Anyways after wheel throwing a little bit I headed to Yonsei for the Emmaus meeting which was a blessing. Erin gave a message on friendship and what it means to be a good friend, and to be one in truth, sincerity, and love. To sharpen each other and bring out the best in one another and so forth. I'd like to get into it but oh well... Its what I was asking for and quite wonderful how things turn out. Afterwards we ate mcdonalds, which I say should be a sin, its like momentary satisfaction of the body that has devesatating effects on the arteries...haha. my joke to myself... I then rode my bicycle home, hopped around and tried some wheelies for a bit then locked up and came in to write this. and I gotta hit the shower soon cause crap its bed time. no matter what I'm doing, like mind wandering or trying to study or clean my room I'm to be in bed by midnight. See what I'm saying I got this schedule discipline in shaping. and I'm going to turn on the heater button ....now..... and wrap up by saying... hmm. well Goodnight.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

hongdae ib gu exit 5

the crate in which the vampires and felines come out at night. to walk with warying eyes, with a look of blood that directs to bare legs. 8 oclock and a wise man will walk with narrow diverted eyes. its where nothing but shadows cover the yellow streets, making a connect the dots of street lamps, to the next underground hide away they can steer to, hiding in the depths once again. hardly are these creatures seen in the day, when light is shining in a real ray. the night tries to last and claws at the backs of unassuming prey, hurting to consume into the following.
get out of my neighborhood you rats. feeding on the scraps of shallowness that are given. leave.

a bird sings and an alarm buzzes. one arises and rolls around thinking and speaking, reading and writing. crawls up hits a button, runs water and heads onto the hill. up one round another down a hundred steps, hongik university where 8 o'clock is quiet, and 9 o'clock is bustling with those running sensibly for they should not be late. to stand on a cross walk safely and unassuming, waiting for as joyful as a puppy run across the street, safely and purposely. to walk inward where a ray may yet enter to encourage and inspire. to seek a quiet spot, a near by one can rest a bag and take a seat, expect to run into someone familiar. in the days. come back.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

how come the teacher that ends up changing your life is the teacher that gives you the hardest time. mr johnson, why did I score a 1 on each of those essays? I still dont even know. And why if your a gyopo just like me, let me write that 10 page ceramic paper in english? but all in all I have to do it, so I'm going to do a damn fine job. but dang its going to be hard, 10 pages. including chinese rooted words and college level grammer when I comprehend like a chodeung haksaeng. gotta give me some credit, i'm not that baddddd. I'm waiting for the heater to get some warm water running so I can take a shower. I'm loving my classes, i'm confused and now things are getting straightened out. got my hand solid and comfortable wedging clay, now I have to get centering back down to the middle and comfortable cause I'm super confused in my centering identity. taught one year by mr braun one way, by nancy the second year another way, using an opposite hand years down the line by a korean teacher. oh boy maybe I just need to practice haha. which I did today I went in at like 10 pm, it was awesome I had the whole wheel throwing room to myself plugged in and just looking at wow, your moving clay again how awesome. Its pretty much spring I came home right after my first class cause I really wanted to get my homework done but on the way I walked past some branches and there were these tiny green buds forming and I was at a loss, but then I chilled out said it'd only take 10 minutes and grabbed my sketch book and took a short walk, spinning occasionally because everything made me feel in the presence of absolut beauty. I wish you were there with me, but i wonder if those feelings are sharable, its been a while since I've just been absolutely happy and free and in that much wanting to grasp everything with somebody. last time was probably in amsterdam with max in the park close to the van gogh museum... how did we end up walking there? that was amazing absolutely wonderful. i've got a korean tudor tomorrow and I'm excited for it. I'm actually doing homework and its wonderful learning so very slowly but it amazes me because that one thing I learn pops up during my day through a teacher, class, or friend. fun. its like you can only do to the amount you know, goes for a lot of things. sort of interesting that i dont fill my brain enough sometimes. I keep myself busy, and i dont know if this is a good thing. i think so but it doesnt seem like I just have enough time to space, a days worth to just give myself time to be like okay yeah this is spur the moment but I think i'll do that. i've got like a couple hours here and there and that doesnt really give me enough but its better than nothing. running circles. great. umm I ordered a desk today, crucial. walked down the street and was like how much does a desk cost to make...ohh really, aright yeah that sounds good better than that premade one and that used piece down the street. I got hunted on the street today walking to my school at night. waiting at the cross walk i was approached and was told, my friend is into you, can we have your number? I was going to say something in the line of umm this is really really weird and I think your a little crazy but instead i told them in a korean american and put my phone number in their phone, only in korea...weird. and they proceeded to text message me which I proceeded to shebeoh. maybe i'll text back for some korean writing practice... I didnt even get a look at the girl that was supposedly into me...moving on. theres a small group of girls that are quite nice in my major. and its so sad in a funny way... cause we were pretty much forced to hang out with the seniors which proceeds to heavy drinking for most... way because there like pre i want to just go home, and I too so we get seated at a long table and at the end is this girl who is just fin wild not obnoxious but likes drinking just a little to much. so I started to notice nice quiet geun ah start smiling and drooping out of existence and I'm just like oh boyyy. as i proceed to not drink rubbing alcohol and 5 year old not eating peas it under my seat as I turn to sunny who has to take this mixture o death and I proceeded to take it from her, bad news man. I mean i'm fine but poor girls drinking in this culture is ruthless. when I got seated in between two girls in the group I started speaking to an upperclassmen that jokes to much to me so I just speak in ban mal to her usually, and then those two girls start screaming in my year to say yo at the end of my sentences so I freak out in my head which proceeds to me jumping over the booth to say I'm leaving. I was looking for an excuse and the one thing that drives me insane is screaming girls, more than anything I can think of as of now that will make me leave. jaemesuh? no. umm. I'm looking to sophomore year. my year of gosaeng to where I'll be able to understand my classes, be able to communicate my arts meaning, and write papers. where I'll be comfortable enough to not suck up by showing up to dumb events and hopefully have some close friends which I do have but all i'm saying is a little different. someone at school who I can bounce with and push each other. but 10 pages. ha its nothing look at me rambling now i've got my structure laid out now I just gotta get my research done, write, translate, write and translate, then have mijung nuna help me with grammatical mistakes and voila lee jin sam I sucked it up and it suck a lot but thank you.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

so its been nearly a month. I cant even remember what i wrote about last. I got out of the shower just now and I'm laying in bed with this thing on my lap. Hmm so I start school tomorrow. I wasnt as so ambitious to take a lot of courses I might have done if I had been able to do it all by myself, some interior or furniture design that I really look forward to taking in the future, painting and drawing and perhaps a chinese character and art history course as my korean improves. But i'm none the less uber excited for a lot of my courses. Tomorrow at one I have glass working, which should start out very basic, probably glass finishing and cutting and that sort, one of my upper classmen brothers or hyungs is a really good glass worker, probably easily blows out hideaway for the most part. anyways he said he would let me know when they are going to be blowing cause they only do it a few times a year due to costs and gas and labor and so forth. he told me that I'll probably end up going to one of the professors home to work on the wood kiln which I'm SUPER happy about, nothing like staying up all night, hawling wood into a 1800 degree kiln. YES. So i'll have wheel throwing, hand building, mixed media and then some randoms like spanish... english writing...reading... and a movie class! to get by I probably should be aiming for As in those classes and probably my art classes as well, e'll see that'll be the day. So I skipped orientation and the first day I met my major (departments and freshman students) I walked in to help clean the studio, and there were like 30 little girl faces looking at me making me feel super akward and there like your the only boy in your incoming class for you major...great. youd think so but totally not. i feel akward, out of place, and it helps but totally doesnt help that i'm older cause there all like obba obba and I'm like uhhh what? but the upperclassmen are like my age so thats really cool cause they're doing a great job of helping me out and just letting me stick around them. Maybe I'll take my camera around and show you what my school is all about. I'll let you know. so its good being back in korea. I hope to go to cambodia again this coming winter, and hopefully in the summer some of my friends will be back to visit me here where I call home now. fantastic. you should come too. anyways things are neat, and changing, but developing. things that are in me, just wanting to be refined, lots of skills that are really to be growing and a lot of just personal things to be shaken off and developed onto as well. it'll be a good and challenging ride. Minnesota was really weird. it was amazing seeing my friends and loving with them and catching back up, but personally it was a really hard time, facing old memories and having to decipher and then having to throw out and move on. I'm not stepping foot into my minnetonka house again...thats crazy to me. we'll see it should be good all together though, but I dont think i'll be home for another two years, what more will have changed in that time, I wont think much but i hope my friends would have grown more, and have more interests and passions and desires and skills and loves and good things in their lives. direction and so forth, how exciting. anyways my sleep schedule has been nice. 7 or 8 hours on the money, in bed around 12 and waking up with a nice warm sun. theres a park with trees and a decent view of hongdae and the neighborhoods from on top of the hill right out my door its nice. id run but its yellow dust season, I think that stuff is making me all clogged up and stuff, gross. but we'll see maybe tomorrow will be nice. I have to meet my department at 4 and I hope we get food together but I hope they dont go drinking. cause then i'll have to say I have to leave and feel all akward and things like that. Its so hard. its not like I dont not drink, but its like i dont go out. it just isnt appetizing and i've got so much more I need to be doing. we'll see i've committed it in myself but I just need to be shaped in that way now. wonderful. and plus with 30 girls, whether they are younger or not its still just room for error so I have to be super careful not to even get close to crossing lines. schword. the quest for better, patience, purity. its a hard road. but I think its uber worth it. keeps me sane, and healthy, and seeking in better places. just reassuring what I'm thinking, its been a fairly smooth with minor turbulence ride for a good bit now. good. so I might end up taking a bunch of language courses. fun. but its weird cause I havent signed up korean language cause i didnt see it... I should probably find that cause i have a lot ot learn. but I could just jump into the fire and learn in the school of hardknocks. okay fine I usually end up learning the hardway anyways so k next semesester i'll do it. courses i'm intimidated by here i come. and student groups, i think the photography club is overrated, I think in a sense it all just turns into drinking clubs, wheres somethign sincere. this is something sincere, my old frisbee hyung called me the other day asking if I wanted to go to jejudo for a tournament in april, I was like I gotta think about it but ended up calling him back 20 minutes later asking when we practice, confirming I can make them, and comitting to this tournament. I'm going to be playing ultimate again!!! and i feel a little nervous like how I get when I'm lined up 7 facing 7 ready to recieve, but whatever this is so fun and it gets me in such good shape I dont care how competitive it gets i'm in. wonderful. hopefully it'll be a grass tournament, so i can lay out nice and long and get those nice grass stains. and I hope to sky some fools hollar and mark some handlers and get some stall counts. yes sir yes sir it should be exciting. that was my life in college, but now that i have a balanced opportunity to play again no way i'm turning it down, and i can wear my light and dark ugly duckling jerseys again, which are sick and everybody wants to trade. i know, we're awesome... for life. word. well I could be wrapping up I dont think theres that much else going on. everything is so new right now, yet its only the same old life.. interesting. kk cool catch ya later.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Imagine yourself final arena and you see the boss approach and you step out to battle but he throws a vampire worker at you to do his dirty work. story of aarons life as he went to a glasses shop with kunming (isnt that the place in china?)

So leaving minnesota it was it all over again. Like I was leaving for study abroad for the first time. Saying bye to old friends and taking in the last note of each word to the depth of it. Squeezing hugs and not wanting to let go. Silent but just a feel, a scruffle of the beards of max and andrew. the goodbyes of cya peter and trav walking out of brugers like it was another day in the life. Which it is, but this time we know what we are in for. These relationships were sort of thought over brushed and a year and a half passed without much consideration. Now that I consider it, its a beautiful thing I have. This love that understands that its going to be hard apart, its not daily seeing anymore, its distanted by thousands of miles and an am pm difference. But we are all up for the challenge and more than that will make even more of it than if we were all together. The last 4 days I was in minnesota we made the most of our time. Joining in laughing and talking, hanging and even dancing! We were and are joyful people. Thank you so much for spending all that time with me. And goodluck returning to a routine max. So upon returning to korea it was familiar, but still so new and strange. Arriving at night to a damp environment I was driving with my dad as we always would, even as a kid just watching the lights and bridges go by on the riverside. Its like whats happening? I didnt go home but we took the hapjung exit and headed past hongdae to the 3 way intersection to proceed up the hill and into my studio apartment. A bed and my dads couch set was already there and then my luggage and a bunch of my random boxes where there as well. There was barely any room to walk, and even with that filling it was the lonliest time. I took tylenol pm to fall asleep after trying to play my guitar with a destroyed chord. It was so shallow playing alone again where back home I wouldnt play unless I had trav drumming and either mark or max screaming along. Beautiful. I'm going to miss that the most. and I do miss it the most. the freedom within those kids to be pushed to feel passionately to take more from each other to push the music to what is to what has happened. Somehow we made the best of our music on those last jams with suprise guests and more and more. sigh. so I'm staring out aarons apartment at the rotary with many passing cars all with headlights on because its rainy and foggy and cloudy and dark and not that welcoming. I'll probably walk home pretty soon here and try scanning my photos again. I'm confused. I shouldnt be. but its two worlds and I wish they would merge. I dont know maybe I'm just thinking to much. I know its all tied together but why does it all feel like a dream? A dream the has emotions that smiles and cries, that lives and forgets, remembers and loves and is sad at all the same time. I'm in a glass box of emotion says will ferrel. haha how stupid. get over it. so I've got my own place. its pretty sweet. its got just a bunch of stuff like my house in minnesota so I guess things dont change haha. but theres a big ol space in the middle cause everything is crowding the walls so plenty of room for random people to crash, like you, and you, bring that box of noisemental goodies if you'd like, and bring that ibanez and we'll hopefully rent another small tube amp, and you bring that black and white film, and you come back again and this time it'll be way more sweet, and give me a good month and a few gs and we can even visit cambodia, or nepal, hike at everest. hows that sound? we'll see. see you soon. love
peter

Friday, January 30, 2009

now what yo hear is no a test i'm rapping to the beat and my the groove and my friends are gonna try and move your feet. I was driving home last night, thinking of how our spinning or records would be tonight. neubeats kinda new to mixing and my own concerns to maintaining a solid party was sort of pushing me to some limit. Then I stopped and at this point was really enjoying the music in the car and just thought yeah if the musics making me happy now, it'll make me happy tomorrow as well. So on the edge just a little bit cause people are all over the face and not really coming together. but neumiller and myself agreed the party must go on, so we'll take the landrover load up his turntables and mixers, speakers and such and head to dinky town to my old friend matt c. he more than welcoming let us hold a whisneys birthday party at his house. and hes more than cooperative on the things i'm asking. so hes just down and we just gotta settle down around 2am, it aint no snoop dogg party where we party till 6 in the morninggggg, well I hope not. so got some sugar hill gang going and I hope it plays, along with some curtis mayfield and grateful dead, something just to be like OHHHHH 'm pretty excited, some krew members just dont dance, but the ones that have attended a bunch of shows do. therefore i'll be grooving out to some jams tonight. now whether to wear that crazy freaking shirt that max gave me...thats another story. isnt if funny how some thing may just suck, but you like it anyways because of the way you were introduced to it? like vegimite, or this weird weird song i'm listening to right now.

so between the last paragraph and the paragraph next that I wrote before this... andy and max went to barnes and noble and I walked over to meet them up. chilled looked at a book for islands and it all turned the same after a bit, but its always fun to look at those beautiful hotel views and things and thangs. went to eddingtons soup house and got a bottemless bowl of soup and unlimited breaksticks with some honey butter. stuck to a potata chowder and new england clam chowder. usually I get the wild rice tho. so that was a fun conversation. we actually just talked about...haha our 10 k experience and the things we felt in amsterdam. how beautiful things can be sometimes and how i'd love to tell you how beautiful it is...hahaha its like the office, things are just better when you know the back story haha. so I watched a half episode and christina filled me in as we went. I think i need to have one of those okay your about to leave so lets do something type of dinners with her and josh. should be good. a good half mature hang out. josh bridges the gap by being sisters boyfriend and not a father figure (mother in the case of chris) ladidadi

so we had a theme party for a whisney. sort of a surpise to say. I kept being all unsure and was like are we still surpising him and all that? when we were at the decade party where you just pick one. one thing I can depend on... krew actually trying. so yeah max had an old cosby sweater he threw on after tossing a few ideas around but the others just put on a nice shirt and I gave them props for holding it down. it was a super fun night and really awesome that I was able to respect the rules of the house and also spread the word which spread it self into a pretty chill crowd of faces I havent seen in so long. charlie darwin mackenzie kyle l joey y cary and jeff mike d and I guess sam m some kid named jay claire and a girl who I at end of the night during farewells both simultaneously said I actually dont have you andrew max trav andy stefan emily and tracy super random who is also (that girl) mike j somebody told me jenna O is coming into town soon, maybe brady so I gotta swing through her house probably with max again. neumiller was like yeah ive mainly been textn girls (something along those lines) and I was like so we'll have two?? haha things went smoothly through the night we had a keg for everybody so I threw a good chunk into it...and I didnt try selln cups or anything. the roomates had a good time as did matt the host and sheena and mark beat us in pong but whisney and I had a "hes on FIRE!" showdown which was sick and andy had a good time since it was his bday as well. super happy cause there was just good music all through the night props to andrew cause I just had so much fun groovin out. it sucked cause one girl was just "That Girl" and was all up in the bathroom and emily was trying to take care of her and matt was just like we have to get her out of here. I just wanted to say chill shes being taken care of but her mom ended up picking her up thats sucks. at the end of the night max andrew brady and emily crashed at bradys place. we listened to kanyes drive slow and a bit of in the light by led zeppelin off physical graffiti disc 2 which is sick but I pressed a student mode button on the stearing wheel and it totally went off the cd player. so we tried eating food super hungry but there was popcorn and i made a cheese quesadilla which is just dece with some hot sauce and gave a bite to andrew and max. sat at the table for a second and proceeded to crash. grabbed bradys ipod and couldnt fall asleep tried like twice to get emily to the couch but she was out cold, sitting face down at the table we play spades at. haha pretty funny. prepped my water for my morning drink and got to sleep. woke up from I think andrew coming down followed by the rest of emily and brady max was just on the couch. we proceeded to sort of ripping on emily because of how drunk she got and just cracked jokes about how sweet the party was. walked out and said Hey its warm! that was super nice. dropped everybody home and gave the car back.

anddddd the sun was shining and it was probably 30 degrees out and it was quite nice for the early part to ride my bicycle which i'm claiming could be stealing i've got a back up plan oh man with a sweatshirt and jeans. so about the bike. I came back and found a super cool bike in my garage. it belongs to jeanne who lived at our house for a bit. I know she loves her bike cause it had an 185 number tag around the top bar but she should have taken it..cause I am now. so heres my plan. i drew a picture of the bike and I'm going to write her a letter on it, and i'm going to put it in a big envelope and put the 185. I'm going to say something along the lines of get your bike back free card. which would be the 185. now i'm being the little brat haha and going to ps it as hold onto that number tag implying she looses it I'm Keeepinnnggg herr Bikkeeee no but yeah if she wants her bike back i'll fly it back over. but she has a way better chance of finding a sweet road bike here than I can in korea. sceeeeee where i'm coming from? thats that. final fine.

so things I want to do before I leave. jam. snowboard. get my mini board from amars (gotta do what I gotta do) pack. throw disc with alex and practice with ugly duckling. check out john pipers church. take more pictures of down town and perhaps see an art gallery walker or weismann. meet brent. chill as much as possible with good people. play some hockey. play in snow. have a snowball fight. get chris and josh to take me to chino latino and find an asian person with an id I can borrow. possibly danny. get music I might miss from max. watch one of those funny movies that comes out soon that max and trav agreed into. see mr braun and ask nancy why she tried failing me from pottery...oh boy. saw oh boy recently too. anyways. go to northern clay center. each at pizza luce. call rita my old studio neighbor who Id end up just talking to past closing hours at the u. mad cool. hmmmm. I guess thats it for now. okay thats good for now.

okie dokie thanks hannah catch ya later (she asked me to update)

Monday, January 26, 2009

theres ice gathering like a piles of broken glass along the shore reflecting light like crystal, there are peices as clear as my carl zeiss lense and there are some foggy peices like you cold windshield. and you can see cracks in the ice like a spider web just an image from eternal sunshine when they are laying on the ice together, all while the water underneath makes everything crackle and pop with the shifting of movement that seems so restricted by the inches on top. all the while me being quite still trying to spread my feet to no put pressure on the ice where i'm trying to take my picture and everything is freezing not getting proper exposures because the sun is so bright and fearful of my frozen death that could possibly await underneath. This all happened because neumiller and I wanted some coffee up in Duluth and because the bakery we stopped into couldnt serve coffee anymore because they would get taxed some bs. how perfect would essential cookies and coffee be? anyways we made found ourselves at the lakewalk taking pictures of red berries against a cold tint of what seemed blue and the high sun coming through some pine trees. and we went into the park to the edges where what was written above was experienced. Theres so much I am hungry for but they seem just out of my grasp. It feels just I would love to do it but I just need an outside push to go do it. I'm in love with it but I just dont know how to go get it. Like get to the boundary waters or paddle in the peugot sound or take a canoe/kayak trip from point a to b. I suppose I'm out of season...way out where my feet and hands are cold sitting inside by my little oil heater. its cold! Finally... finally. after however long its been since i've been home talib kweli and hi tek. yes.

that was three days ago. today is the 1st. super bowl sunday

Friday, January 16, 2009

I feel so american, running downstairs to throw in a box of left over chinese food (really really good chinese food that max boxed up). Its been a weird time back, old friends, old home, new times new goals.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

so I hit the bed and just fell asleep so perfectly last night. Oh yeah I'm back in minnesota! my homeboys neumiller and kreeble grabbed me from the airport and then it was back to the same old, things have developed but its way dope. We pretty much got home and grabbed some brews and just started calling whoever of the krew over to come chill. dang it was real good to see them all again. We just talked and laughed and chilled and word. the krew + 2 I like it. Which are the only girls that consistantly come around, I dont see why more dont, I mean we are probably the craziest and most fun group of people you can find in Minnesota. haha you have no idea. So I came home, its freezing out. Like -20 windchill, and yeah it hurts... a lot. I woke with a start, but I was super refreshed and was like, woe I did this for the last 19 years, this is familiar. Like grabbing old door knobs and random stuff like that really set into place, the rushing of water in the upstairs bath, and that one fridge that smells like kimchi. I was writing on my plane and was like I hope there is a fire burning, for sure I didnt sit by it like I used to tho. I can hear neumillers alarm going off now. So much has developed in me and him, and its crazy how our paths kind of seem so alike even though we are so far apart from each other. Its mad good catching back up with him, finding where we are at spiritually and how we just be doing in life. A brother for life that one is. So I woke, earlier than expected and saw the sun rising in my back yard, so I grabbed my cameras in my boxer shorts, opened the window, just freezing stuck my hand out and took a couple of pictures. I'll show you soon, i've got aarons film scanner, which I cant figure out how to install quite yet. Hold up neumillers stirring. Got a cup of joe and its decent but smells really great. The kitchen is filled with warmth from that and the gluwein we made last night. If it wasnt so freezing I'd like to take a walk through the woods, in the midday sun the light casts shadows so long and beautifully contrasting the white snow. You'd have to see it to appreciate it. And its really nice seeing the different trees again, my old apple trees, and my birch tree, I dont know what you are, but I like you. So I'm waiting on rice to be cooked, a strange breakfast but i've been craving it this morning, and suprisingly i'm being patient on eating. Screw that, its not -25 with wind chill, its just -25 period. supposedly it feels like -41. Hes like brace yourself as he enters the bitter a$$ cold to start his car. We are pretty thankful for northface. It was really good seeing my family again, my mom thought I was coming today so, a little bit of a suprise, it was good, but it must have been weird that my sister was making a grip of chili and had a whole case of beer... a good brew at that. So yeah I gave my sister a lense this morning, she was pretty happy about that, I think we are getting on new grounds as we start to grow up and take our relationship a little more...appreciatively. I'm trying to look as Josh as a friend to, I just had a wicked good buzz going and went up to talk with him for a while, actually like him a lot. Wow I love auto save on this blogger. and its really good getting back old music on this old computer, without speakers...which sucks but its all good I suppose. Man its really good, it doesnt seem real to be sitting here, looking out to something actually beautiful, soaking up my old room which will be given to the bank in a few months, and never again will I set foot in this house after I depart. I can't believe i'm doing Korea. This place is truly amazing though. Shake it, sugaree. UHHH thats what i'm talking about. Its been so long dang its good to be home. I sent my crappy squir to have strat pickups put in today, hopefully mom pulls through with the slip of paper I gave her. I figure hooked up to a crybaby and through maxs just nice amp and new pickups and strings that guitar should sound decent, and plus i'm used to it so it'll be nothing picking it back up..even though its completely different from my les paul, should be fun. We are jamming tomorrow, set the date, gotta say hello to kreebles family, probably see kathy cry haha. and teddy!! haha travs lil sister so cute. so good. sooo good. so very very good! thank you thank you thank you. so beautiful, so still, so patient, I want to go for a walk, but thats so not feasible at this point. I found such a sick bike in our garage too! I might have to claim it for sure. I hope nobody minds... haha whered I put my contax? I wish I didnt have a bunch of crap everywhere, my desk right now has a monitor, mug, ipod, jar of oragami my grandma put together, bag of negatives, scanner. In my room is just my bed, a small nightstand, some random things in the corner, oil heater, pile of blankets, okay this doesnt sound empty but my room doesnt have all that stupid clutter I hold onto and fill my bookshevles with...maybe its time to let go... I'll be uploading photos as this progresses though, I can use Christinas digital which actually blows mine out of the water, its so slow and the processing just isnt up to speed. ohhh breakfast!!

Friday, January 9, 2009

a master of inspiration, writing one email to feed another writing. Inspiration is a beautiful thing, the push peoples to the limit of their ability to try and produce or whatever they may do with all strength thought ability and beauty. It doesnt even matter if it isnt planned, its just allowed to flow. flow is good. So its been said nostalgia...why does it hurt so bad? haha yeah but I'm just picturing last christmas right now. man why couldn't i have frozen that moment struggling to get the covers from under jakes huge body, or stay up for nightmare before christmas, or take pictures of hannah on the floor under the pile of blankets that should have been on me and not under jake and on the floor. you have no idea. well either do i. I just hope the next moment i'm living, i'll say I want to hug everything because its so beautiful cause the next moment I may be hurting to be returning to that point of memory. sigh back to the email entitled peepers! man chinese food sounds good right now, some sesame chicken dude straight up with some fried cream cheese puffss ohhhhhh chef lee lunch buffet, when we had half days or any excuse to get out of school halfway through we would gather like all our friends into amars tahoe and juse cruise in and just grub. so good. so my trip has been good. and i'm really appreciating the time alone I have, also the time i havent seen so many friends like aaron, minna, donna I even tried texting alex but I'm not sure if hes got my number anymore. people are starting to move up and on, and some are stuck in rutts but looking for more, just not in the right timing yet I suppose cause I can see they'll be fine in a little bit. ive been entertained but interesting conversation these last two days, and now I've got lunch with my cousin tomorrow to be entertained even more. super happy I'm getting close with them now. so strange how things have worked out in this place we call korea. Korea seems to be that place where you find what you're looking for... whether or not you expected to find it. ladidadi. yes sir I agree with that. so max and Is trip was good. i said that. we sky dived. we saw the works of our favorite artists come alive as we saw the canvas and strokes upon them in front of us. we goofed off in hostels, trains, bathrooms, ancient ruins and cathedrals, took pictures of whatever we saw, laughed, hugged, held hands yes we held hands. we could have finally been proven to be gay after all these years (haha dont ask) i'm sorry for embarrasing my friend but this is to hilarious to explain in this context so i'll leave it. we sat after new years down from the eiffel tower bummed cause it didnt explode into a million fireworks like I hoped for, and sang and then some drunk dumb young tourists gave us five euros that we went and spent on... maybe we should have split it in half and taken it as Gods bessing in our new year. even five euros more rich, I was straight broke at new years haha amongst a lot of people haha f it. I found the meaning in relationship, so I plan to head to church sunday and greet as many new comers as possible. I saw an good friend and went to rome with him. they're like you went to rome with jazz?! haha yeah and we ate pizza and talked about how the diciples where persecuted at the steps of where we were, super interestingnd wonderful seeing the age of Christ come to life before my eyes, the hill where peter was crucified upside down and the catacombs somewhere near where peter and paul lead underground churches during those ages. so beautiful living in the history. like max learning art history, not out of a text book, but in front of his eyes in all the museums he visited, the statue of david not in a lousy brief history of art text book with a robot teaching explaining, but a sort of creepy but passionate professor pouring his love for the greatest sculpture ever for you at the foot of the massive sculpture. text books and philosophies and teachings are such bs if they are not to be lived. so the taoist poems we learned may be moving and wonderful teachings, but whos bold enough to live them? props to them who are like water, sinking to the depths and very bottom, continously moving and never grasping onto the things of this earth. my favorite teaching and yeah Jesus says it to, but this is poetry to romance samara is it? in siddartha? possibly. how lovely. how dear. how sincere. life. sometimes. sucks thinking about whats happening afterwards. eternal damnation for most of man kind? go to the dirt with the worms? reincarnation to be born into perhaps a butterfly? depending on how good you are. eternal joy and worship and rejoice with God in heaven? I sure hope so. hope, expectation. faith and belief. ladidadi blahblahblah I heard a podcast about a pastor who stopped believing in hell. quite beautiful but scripture to me hasnt backed that up yet so I'll leave it in the back of my mind to just be like, okay maybe that would be nice. its a touchy subject, its really been challenging me. its not fair...yeah yeah your feelings dont matter your no life creator. but cmon. cmon what? oh yea your right. so explain why then? ... hello? chosen peoples. oh so you have details for me? ... hello? ... the friends and family and people ive had in my life that have passed away, they dont seem dead. they dont seem to be burning in the depths of hell. they seem to be in heaven with G, and they're just waiting for me to get up there, like my cousin John, who I miss and am getting teary eyed but i wont cry dontchu worry. i used to be scared of him when he was sick, I think he got a kick out of it to. but I remember one evening ti must have been close to his death bed, that I was a child and we were able to just spent time together watching tv alone while our family was upstairs, hes said laughing you didnt backwash did you? i can still hear his voice, my stupid cousin semoon kept going back to the pit and throwing flowers in. I remember my sister answering the phone and just crying waking my family nm about the not crying part. downstairs my mom was sittinga tt he side of our kitchen bar, in the near pitch dark with the phone to her, sobbing, comforting her sister. i cant help smile through my antismile cause I ve got a faith that came to me through grace and I know hes up there just waiting to say, wow you've grown up so much. I missed you man. whether theres a hell for many people whether Jesus died for ALL no matter of belief, or whether the chosen are called and predestined, we'll only know when we're six feet under or in ashes to be given to the earth. yeah I sort of cant wait. but i'm going to make the best of this time now. Its official, i'm not going to be a teacher, a cafe owner, an environmental activist. I'm going to be an artist. its been given to me and confirmed through a family member. I'm holding onto it by faith and I dont plan on digging this passion into a pit to be aborted like a infant baby. this baby is being born. never you mind though. breath out. I didnt see this coming. what so ever. maybe this is the best of it and we have to make the most of it. thiss me and my writings, you as a viewer are happily allowed to read because you wouldnt know...would you?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Im leaving in a week for minnesota. two years have passed since i've been home. what the. I'll be home for a month, then I return in the middle of february, to start school two weeks later. what the. Ive noticed after my trip, my korean is terrible, and I'm going to be super rusty. what the. oh goodness. peter man, your in for it. I gotta work hard. upon arriving back to korea I think i'll have a offictell around hongdae, then I'll be living alone again for a few months. then my mom will be moving in with all our belongings in may. what the. 2009. what the. whats happening? everything has hit the wall, split and now is transforming. once again. 2007/8 what a year/s. 2009 what a year to come. 2010 2011 20132014/5/6/7/8/9/20/21/22/23/24/25262728293031323334353637383940. where are you going to be then? I dont think you will be reading this sadly for sure. the year 2040 in my fifties dude. haha. man we are in for it. I hope to see you guys soon. i've experienced flat broke this last week, where I scraped changed to buy a loaf of bread to eat during the day. I hope to have learned something from one day of that. maybe so. putting my fingers in change machines looking for a spare coin to buy a sandwich. imagine that. haha. but I was taken care of, and now im home safetly. haha! puts something in perspective though, we will see. I wish I could look at my pictures I took though, i'm excited for some of them, but not overly just looking forward to them. because we did so much, but some of those pictures might just be that moments capture to tell the thousand words to sum it up an old friendship being reunited ladidadi ive gotta shower and then find my guitar because its not in my cleared out room. hmmmm

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