Tuesday, December 27, 2011

the art of desire

selfishness distorts reasonable thinking. my conclusion to some things I'm thinking about but... sometimes we just have to be unreasonable...

I want to have an opportunity to explore the depths of the mountains like the guys in The Art of Flight. It looks absolutely beautiful. I want to see it for myself. Will ever an opportunity occur?
I have these momentary desires that pop up in old fashion passions. I'm not even all that great at it yet I dream like I could be. Honestly I wish I could fly down a mountain in meters of snow. Snowboarding is an activity that makes me happy more than most others. It saddens me though that i've ridden on mediocre snow most of my life. I want to ride on fresh powder!

I'm going this friday, yay! My friend tells me that there is 1 tiny table top :( I suppose its better than nothing... I want a big table top though!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Unseasoned

Unseasoned.  Gotta cherish my friendships. 

Thursday, December 1, 2011

love people, using money

Its hard.

I like giving gifts. But I may have been more keen on using people to meet my needs. I should be a giver more and more, little by little.

Love is, the work of love. -Soren Kierkergaard

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

why do I shut down when i'm stressed?

Thats because its hard and God is working the character in me to persevere through it. I don't shut down when i'm stressed, I get over my feelings (stop being a little boy) grow some .....(facial hair) and do what I have to do.

Don't be a little boy, be a man who works hard and is steadfast.
o
x
ll
(diddy and calebs favorite pose)


Sunday, November 20, 2011

post era

23, so young, with huge things already happening.

God is so good. understatement. I have no idea.

Emptied out, for once being a beautiful thing. It was really not me. Thank you Holy Spirit.

Empathy, Reaction, Action; a success and just a beginning to who knows what.

23, taking one idea, influencing a body of nearly a hundred.

100 seeds, taking one heart, influencing a nation.

One nation, God's heart, influencing the continent.

We will see human trafficking end. We will see loneliness and depravity end.

Thank you relationships; Todd for being such a positive force in my life, propelling me into my destiny. Partners like Allen and Tanya, releasing me into destiny. Thank you dad, for being supportive, providing, and sharing who you are with me. Thank you for your heart dad, the way you treated the lowly and considered them great. I have been encouraged by your heart dad. I have been released into my God given destiny through knowing your heart dad.

So much grace. So much grace. So much grace.

The cafe owner asked for prayer. He was pretty closed off when we first came in, now we have a friendship.

I met people with similar hearts, networking like minded people. Tim who did two weeks in inner city schools teaching photography.

Even secular scholars blessed the cause and theme of our event. That blessed me so much.

My dad walked around teary eyed, almost in as much shock and awe as I was in. Kind of the thought, 'I can't believe my son put this together.' Thank you Jesus.

God is moving in and around my life. My family, friendships, and destiny.

I did not expect this many people to come and support the event. Looking around at people conversing blessed my heart. My prayer before the event was that the body would come together to fight for this cause together. It really happened today. It felt like a movie where different circles discussed meaning things to change the world for the better.

I was so blessed that my father could witness and be a part of my life again. I could see, what God saw, this is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased, radiating from my fathers heart.

Overwhelmed with pride for how good God is. I am proud of God haha.

I walked around tonight on the brink of tears. I didn't see this coming. I thought I knew, but my expectations where absolutely blown again. understatement.

I hope people continue to talk about this, I hope a flame has been lit in our hearts, to father the fatherless, love the lowly, and not submit to what society feeds us. I want kingdom reign on the earth.


Thursday, November 10, 2011

comparison doesn't lead anywhere. It just leaves me discouraged.

encourage yourself. guard your heart.

There is so much that needs to be done and I feel behind. Maybe i'm supposed to feel small and humble, jack of all trades, expert in none. Maybe not. Maybe its just a season.

its almost overwhelming.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

so i'm not a total moser


MEN'S HEALTH

The average life expectancy for men is five years less than women (presently 77 years old compared to 82).
1 in 2 men will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime and 1 in 3 women will be.
Evidence suggests that about a third of the 571,950 cancer deaths expected to occur will be related to obesity, physical inactivity, poor nutrition and thus could be prevented.
1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer in their lifetime.
240,890 new cases of the disease will be diagnosed and 33,720 men will die.
Testicular cancer is the most common cancer in American males between the ages of 15 and 34.
8,290 men will be diagnosed with the disease and 350 will die.
Smoking accounts for at least 30% of all cancer deaths and 87% of lung cancer deaths
An estimated 115,060 men will be diagnosed with lung cancer and 85,600 men will die from the disease.
While not as common, men can get breast cancer. About 2,140 new cases of invasive breast cancer will be diagnosed among men and about 450 men will die from the disease
The most common cancer in the US, skin cancer strikes 1 in 5 Americans.
An estimated 43,890 men will be diagnosed with skin cancer and 8,080 men will die from the disease.
An estimated 13 million adult men over the age of 20 in the US have diabetes- and a third do not know it.
Approximately 50 million men and women in the US have high blood pressure- almost 30 per cent of them do not know it.
About 1 in 3 adults has high blood pressure, and blood pressure tends to rise with age.
1 in 8 men who suffer from mental illness actually seek help (inspire.org)
Four times as many men commit suicide compared with women
24% of men are less likely to go to the doctor compared to women
Let’s face it, men are known to be more indifferent towards their health, especially when compared to the efforts of women, who proactively and publicly address their health issues in a way not traditionally seen with men. As a result, today the levels of awareness, understanding and funding for support of male health issues, like prostate cancer, lag significantly behind causes such as breast cancer.


It’s not all bad news! Maintaining a good diet, smart lifestyle choices and getting regular medical check-ups and screening tests can dramatically influence your health, Regardless of age, stay on top of your game by doing the following:

HAVE AN ANNUAL PHYSICAL
Find a doctor and make a yearly appointment each Movember for a general health check. Getting annual checkups, preventative screening tests, and immunizations are among the most important things you can do to stay healthy.

DON’T SMOKE!

If you do smoke, stop! Compared to non-smokers, men who smoke are about 23 times more likely to develop lung cancer. Smoking causes about 90% of lung cancer death in men.

BE PHYSICALLY ACTIVE
If you are not already doing some form of exercise, start small and work up to a minimum of 30 minutes of moderate physical activity most days of the week.

EAT A HEART HEALTHY DIET
Fill up with fruits, vegetables, whole grains; include lean meats, poultry, fish, beans, eggs, and nuts; and eat foods low in saturated fats, trans-fats, cholesterol, salt (sodium), and added sugars.

STAY AT A HEALTHY WEIGHT
Balance calories from foods and beverages with calories you burn off by physical activities.

MANAGE YOUR STRESS
Stress, particularly long-term stress, can be the factor in the onset or worsening of ill health. Managing your stress is essential to your health & well being and should be practiced daily.

DRINK ALCOHOL IN MODERATION
Alcohol can be part of a healthy balanced diet, but only if it’s in moderation, which means no more than two drinks a day. A standard drink is one 12-ounce bottle of beer or wine cooler, one 5-ounce glass of wine, or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof distilled spirits.

KNOW YOUR FAMILY HEALTH HISTORY

Start a discussion with your relatives about the health issues they’ve had in the past. Be sure to learn about relatives that are deceased too.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Empathy Reaction Action


Return, Nepal, Sarai Smith


Rescue, Nepal, Sarai Smith


Reaching Out, Seoul, Timothy Sun


Reaching Out, Seoul, Timothy Sun


Bright Eyes, Philippines, Melody Joy Welton


Untitled, Philippines, Melody Joy Welton


Voice, Jensen Yap

Treasure Among Trash

The Choice, Tanya Martineau
Unveiling the Shadow, Tanya Martineau
Cambodia Orphanage 2008. Peter Kang



Cambodia Orphanage, 2008

Cambodia Orphanage 2008. Peter Kang


Philippines Storm Ondoy Relief, 2009

Philippines Storm Ondoy Relief, 2009



Philippines Storm Ondoy Relief, 2009

tips on praying

Monday - favor with God
(spiritual revelation, anointing, holiness)
Tuesday - favor with others
(congregation, ministry staff, unsaved)
Wednesday - increased vision
(wisdom and enlightenment)
Thursday - Spirit, Soul, Body
(health, appearance, attitudes, spiritual and physical wholeness...)
Friday - Protection
(from temptation, deception, enemies, physical...)
Saturday - finances
(priorities, blessings)
Sunday - family
(general, spouse, children)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

i cant believe there might be something there

A blog entry from one of my favs jonas peterson

THE MASON JAR MANIFESTO
It’s 4.47am when I sit down to write this. I woke up 30 minutes ago and couldn’t go back to sleep. I’ve been thinking about this for so long, but a couple of things lately have reinforced what I already knew.

The wedding train has derailed.

Put down those mason jars, store away that vintage typewriter and fairy lights and sit down because you need to listen. This is an intervention. The whole wedding industry has gone detail bananas and we need to clear a few things up.

- You! Over there! Step away from the hay bales and the Vintage Navajo rugs and come over here. Sit! Down! No, you don’t have to put lavender on the plates, you need to wake up!

We’re getting lost in details. The whole wedding industry is drifting away from what weddings are about and we’re all part of the problem – bloggers, photographers, planners and vendors – all hypocrites feeding the detail beast.

Strip it back.

Peel the layers off.

And start again.

At the center of every wedding we have a girl. Who fell in love with a boy. Or a girl who fell in love with a girl. Or a boy who fell in l… you get my point.

The rest is fluff.

If you read magazines and wedding blogs today, you’d think it’s all about the dress, the decorations, invitations or a million other things.

THINGS.

It’s not.

It’s about celebrating love, a manifestation of commitment, a gathering of friends and family.

Because you’re in love.

But if you visit many of the blogs today, you’d think it’s about other things. Heck, there are even themed shoots with no people. As if candles and old LP players on a blanket in a clearing in a forest make a wedding. Just add people. And maybe a groom. Or actually don’t, the wedding is about the details, remember? Details, details, details.

Strip it back.

Peel the layers off.

And start again.

Weddings are about people, it’s about commitment and celebrating love. It’s about you. Build on that and everything else will follow.

I am a detail person, so it’s not that I don’t like details. I love details. Details, details, details. Love them. I honestly do. I’ve worked with some of the best planners in the business and they’ve styled weddings to perfection, made details stand out and it’s always been great, because they’ve built on the couples, starting with who they are. And I actually like shooting details. A lot.

When I was younger I used to record mix tapes and give to girls I liked.

Every detail was thought out, every letter, every scribble, every word on that tape had meaning. I love me some details. I grew up in a house with vintage bottles and mason jars everywhere. That and rocks collected from oceans and fields. So I get the jar and bottle thing, I truly do. Throw in some rocks and I’m there. But remember what the wedding is about, why you’re doing this, that’s all you really need. Don’t stress out about building a fairytale wedding, perfectly crafted, every detail borrowed from somewhere else.

Look away from the blogs and magazines.

And look within.

Why are you doing this? What does it mean to you? Do you really need all that…stuff? And if you want stuff, are you adding stuff that actually means something to you? What do you want to remember from your day? The cake, the flowers, the dress from Hoya de la Poopy?

Or do you want to focus on that moment between you two? The boy? Who fell in love with a girl?

Strip it back.

Peel the layers off.

And start again.

Last night Rachel sent me this email after I posted their wedding. I’ll leave you with that.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

i've been hit with appreciation for creation lately. Maybe with the shift of weather, the blue in the sky looks bluer which compliments the rust red of the autumn leaves. I used to try and describe this rich blue, to dark rich blue, to purple, to dark dark dark blue thats near black as van gogh blue. The beauty of the skies lately has stopped me mid step. I really love being able to see the setting sky through the silhouettes of leaves and branches. It looks like my eyes have been turned into a camera and the edges of my frame were vignetted to create a darkened shade. I've been trying to describe how beautiful these moments in awe have been. Thats my band name, but yet I haven't found the perfect description so I am without band name still. It is like Glorious! Awe striking, breath taking, bitter sweet appreciation to nature. meh

Sunday, October 16, 2011

memory lane

As I was making my simple breakfast of rice and eggs this morning, I started thinking about the dumb things i've said and done in the process of liking girls in the past. It was strange but one of my more significant moments of regret was when I made some food with this girl I had a crush on and after we had finished our meal, I didn't want to waste the leftover rice (or I was still hungry) so I made the meal I just made for myself now. She said it looked gross (it sort of does but I like how it tastes) and didn't want to eat it. I wasn't fazed so I took it upstairs to where my room mate max was in his room and I handed it to him and he happily ate from it. I now wish I would have ate the good food with Max instead of with that girl that hardly has any significance in my life today.

I dont know the point of this. Just a random memory.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

fueling dreams in library books

I want a nice home, with a big kitchen. With wood floors and white walls similar to a home you may find in a country side; or even in a neighborhood such as Wayzata.

I dont know if I ever will own such a place. I'd like to think I will, with many different peoples congregating together in the kitchen and living room; as it may be a sort of sanctuary from the hectic unpredictable lives we live. Maybe i'm invisioning a real "real worlds".

I feel in order to make it perfect, I need to make it with my own hands. Which is somewhat difficult, I'll have to learn how to be a plumber, electrictian, architecht, carpenter, designer, and so forth.

In order to achieve such things, I need money. Yet I dont want the central focus of my life to be money. But its funny how it becomes that. The fields I am entering are hit or miss. Be rich or be broke. My no name band has one song. Yes! We are a long way from fame whether we want it or not. I make a tenth of the production cost in shooting photos or videos in weddings. Allen is an artistic genious and prodigy. He is amazing, and he has the business and marketing skills to see this through. These two things I like and are good.

I like many things. I like print making; I have been sensing more and more that I need to start silk screening and letterpressing. These two techniques I know very little about. I really dislike school, but I like worshops and seminars and so forth. I also like pottery, sometimes. I'm a natural at glass blowing but I have a feeling I am not going to pursue that. I'm learning how to weld next week. I feel that will come useful in building my home someday. Typography will probably come into play with printmaking and poster design, which I can use for weddings and concerts. Pottery will be great for bringing culture and character into the kitchen of my Jesus commune. My metal working skills can be used to create weapons when my neighbor renaissance commune desides to zachattack.

I have a lot of things I want to do with my life. I should realize that its okay if I dont get to it all, I can't fulfill my full potential. Jesus didn't, so I shouldn't expect to either.

And as of now, I'm a lazy college student that is taking one baby step at a time, fueling dreams through library books, with a thought that chances are I wont have that much money but thats okay. I also like to write, but its a blog with 9 followers.

And I like people.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

when will I start to believe that natural talent can only lead so far?

why do I compare so much? I wonder where this was birthed from?.. most of the time it just leaves me discouraged more than inspired.

I want to be great, maybe I put a irresponsible expectation on where I am at now.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Things I want:

A hand made track bike without any drilled holes. (preferably from Japan)

A Fujifilm x-100 rangefinder

An Electro-Harmonix Holy Grail Pedal

Places I want to go:

New Zealand

Iceland

Portugal

Chile

Brazil

Its amazing right now because I'm not where I want to be, but I'm getting there. The things I honor and admire, I'll be there soon.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I just got home from an amazing evening. Maybe a moment, one of those moments. I met up with some bros I meet up every week, chill, talk through stuff, encourage, and pray. I got some stuff i've been really working through into the open; I've just been sad lately about how my parents got divorced. I'm finally grieving it.

Instead of taking the narrow bridge home, I took the roundabout on the river. I biked as fast as I possibly could, almost as if I was flying and being freed from my sorrow. I glided past those on the right (slow pokes) as I was watching the scenery mix beautifully with the beautiful sweet music play in my ears phones. I moved swiftly like a fine tuned machine; I have gotten to know my bicycle very well and have learned to trust in it. His name is bike. Down shifting up hills, up shifting to push through into the higher speeds, man was it fun. I stopped in front of Yeouido Full Gospel (the worlds largest church imagine that) and climbed the stairs to cross the wider bridge. I made my way across, passing the bird sanctuary on the island below me. I decided to get on the road because around this time (10:00 pm) the side streets are pretty empty. I proceeded to bike as fast as I could, and climbed a steep slope, feeling like Lance Armstrong hurrying to catch the remaining of green light. When I broke the intersection there was an amazing hill going downward. At the bottom I entered a tunnel made of trees and branches. The roof narrowed and brought me comfort and joy. I stretched my arms out and was just in awe of the romance I was experiencing. It felt like NYC riding with Shiraz...everywhere. I started getting the feeling I was so near my dad. I felt like he was so proud of me, so happy for me; just because I was so happy. I felt like I was riding the first bike he gave me.

I wish I could have shared it with somebody, somebody who likes to go fast.

Anyways I've been listening to; Trampled by Turtles, Album Leaf (a favorite now) has been on my repeat, and the books (a ton of fun) I've been shaking the rust off at school, throwing my different cylinders and such and such, I start blowing glass again in a couple of weeks, i've been getting along great with my friends at school, I finally got a friend I can call up at every lunch and dinner opportunity (man I've missed that since my freshman year of college, the first time) Things are good, rough, but good.

My sister is getting married in Cancun this winter, if I know you well, lemme know if you want to come!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

So i've been caught up in a brain storm about what to do about my winter trip. My primary destination is Cancun for my sister's wedding! How great! Some cities I love; Minneapolis, San Francisco, Phoenix, New York City, all primarily because of the friends and family that are in those places.

I judge things based on adventure, so the less exciting it seems, the less likely I want to do it. I want to venture it up with Todd, possibly go into Colombia, or some other South American country. I havent been down there yet.

Minnesota I could help my sister with wedding preparations, just serve her and josh, and be a blessing. I could see all my friends! Get my license renewed My cousin Jin and a few other good friends of mine are in NYC...She just got married so it would be nice to see the fam but its a little random. I guess thats off the list. San Francisco, I was there last summer and loved it, and plus its a layover to Phoenix...So if I intend to fly directly to Phoenix I might as well take a few days. Phoenix would be good to see tigger and spend time with my mom, grandma, and other family.

BTW, let me know if you'd like to come down, maybe we can make something work!

Friday, September 16, 2011

one good reason for not getting married soon is that Studio Lumiere is going to be even more kick ass as time progresses. Not that we aren't already

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I feel I cannot communicate. I can no longer be honest. I feel judged. I feel I have to live to an expectation. I feel I cannot live a normal life. I feel poisoned.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Studying and working on projects is good and fine, but it's the initial start that is hard to overcome. Why is that?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

"Human trafficking can work only if the victims remain invisible to the public eye. We have to remove the veil of ignorance."

From my journal entry:
At small group we talked about excellence and it just left a bunch of questions in my mind; concerning not identifying in striving to be excellent to achieve identity. In "Not for Sale" it says on page 260... "you identify where your passion meets the needs of the world" We must be excellent for the sake of being a child of God and to be able to engage ourselves in the issues of the world. I was doubting why i'd perform this weekend at the Emmaus banquet because I don't feel like i'm the best singer and songwriter; but honestly it is bigger than me. The message and the needs of the world are so much greater than what a few people think of my songs. (Not for Sale) 1: The first part is to engage yourself in the activities that you feel you were put on the earth to do. 2: The second part is to carry out those activities so as to benefit others.

I'm going to scan the conclusion of this book for you guys to read. This book is probably number two in changing my perspective on life, and has potentially changed the direction of my life (I still have to take a step in the fight and then make my commitment.)

For the last two days i've been inquiring and asking about how bad working must suck. And indeed it probably does. Therefore i've decided not to stitch together jobs to make an impressive resume that will pay me big bucks. I hate institution a lot of the time, but theres no getting around it. Many times I felt like our entire lives were an institution with a goal of making money. Doesn't it seem like the purpose of life is to make money? Why do we go to school, and to college, and what is the first thing we are so desperate to do after college? Why do we work so hard so we can retire and be old and boring and have all this money for no good purpose? I didn't want to take it as far as forsake normality, sell everything, and live as a monk, but I don't want to live for money.

I've decided to pursue my vocation (part 1 and part 2). In building a vocation I will then "design and pursue meaningful endeavors." 'People from all different fields of work are needed in the fight to end slavery. We need lawyers to protect the rights and persecute the traffickers. We need entrepreneurs to provide jobs and create enterprise for newly freed slaves. Students are needed to research and to influence policy and the coming generations. Health and mental care workers need to be there to help fix the broken lives. Construction workers are needed to build shelters. You can imagine the list goes on and there is a need in every field of work. Heres a practical one, a person with two blankets needs to give one away to somebody in need. The movement needs your time, talent and money'

I've taken most of this post from the concluding paragraphs of the book "Not for Sale" Please, don't be so American. Pick up a book that teaches you something from the outside of your suburban boxes. Please.















Then most importantly, the church needs to react. Where compassion, mercy, forgiveness, and love was nailed on the cross for us, we have blasphemed the love of God by forsaking the command to love our neighbor as ourselves. We have created an institution of religious rules and fakers of disciples of Jesus. We have created a hierarchy of power that doesn't even submit to the word of God. We have sought money more than the face of God. We have created idols for ourselves and continually serve and worship things made by man. We have allowed NGOs to be the face of God, when they don't even believe in the work of the Holy Spirit. The brokenness of the world needs healing and restoration, and that restoration and healing can only fully be met by the love and touch of God! Please Church let us fight!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I was looking at the photos of one of my favorite photographers and I was just in awe, like usual, at the images he captures. I don't know if he saw in the way I was but there were so many images that were entertaining me. I'd take two thumbnails and juxtapose them to create a deeper meaning. Theres a double exposure of a guy with his fist on his chest; on top a close of up of I think the same guys face, making a heart wrenching expression. I proceeded and looked at a picture of a beautiful girl, and couldn't help the thought of pains in thinking about the one that got away. I wish, in my mind, she wouldn't have gotten away. The expression is so sincere and loving. But its not my life, so I can just hope that I wont relent for the one I will love.

Anyways when I get mad, I become introverted and take it out on myself mentally and physically. I shy away and am grump even into the next day! but I realized this wasn't right, as i'm dealing with my anger, turned to grumpiness right now and finally after having a depressing day, I came home, put on bellarive and kneeled facedown onto my bed, and just laid there. I waited on the calming still small voice and felt like I wanted to play some guitar. I feel much better now. I try and make my own way, I got in a bike accident yesterday, and my wheel is all jacked up. I went to the bike shop I like and they gave me a pricey estimate, I started to research my options and ask Todd to see if he can get one off ebay for me, he just told me to calm down and wait on the bike shop to see if they had anything else. I just got a text message saying I can pick up my bike and that they found a wheel for a quarter of the price! These little things make me happy. Today is turning around, and earlier I thought I can't wait to fall asleep and wake up so I can be happy, what a lie!

Friday, April 15, 2011

note to me, the rich man from the west sam eapen dec 30th 2007

dont be foolish, dont just react. look for the organization that helps the poor children. act and plan when we see a need. even the beggars on the subway just don't give because you see. compassion is just the beginning. love is shown through compassion, and yes money. the block, hesitation, and idol I face.
In india the moms with skinny children walking around begging for money are connected to mobs. the money doesnt go to the kid, it goes to the master. a ton of those kids end up getting killed on the streets, give to the organization that cares for the kid, not the kid being enslaved to an evil syndicate.

I give to the poor, and sometimes I wonder if I'm giving for the right purposes or sowing in the right areas. I mean I look at some that are physically able to work if they would clean up a bit, yet they beg half heartedly (if you knew what that meant without it making me look like a jerk) with a cup of ramen noodles in the other hand. Is it there state of mind? what is it that keeps them in such poverty? I remember looking at the bums in san fran and I was wondering how they could have gone to schools and gotten a proper education, yet they are still bumming on the streets trying to keep the trend of being a hippy alive. get a job. if you only knew how much you had compared to the other 90 percent of the world. we take things, I take things for granted. I'm sure I only have a slight more understanding of the poor and broken than many of my fellow friends in the states, but our ignorance has led us to rally for meaningless pursuits. my pastor spoke of the north korea rally back in 2003 when Freedom Week was starting to be given awareness. He was expecting a multi thousand number gathering at capital hill, for there was a 10s of thousands gathering for some conference he attended earlier. To his disbelief when he arrived at capital hill to speak up for north korea, there was maybe 60 people. America, such a beautiful and comfortable and free land, with its creative innovations and great rock music, yet its full of the rich, the fat, the ignorant, the selfish, the proud, and the naive. (at this point I wish I could write an essay like ttracy) what are you living for?

good question.

keep in mind peter. you must be free in order to set others free. theres more slaves now than ever, in deeper bondage than ever. can you imagine that there is more wickedness going on now than the holocaust? sorry if thats a sore spot for you, but its true. the death of the soviet union gulag or concentration camp gave birth to an even more horrific story in north korea.

here the link if you would like to educate yourself a bit. http://archive.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2003/2/13/110824.shtml
I'm doing my research as I go, so take it or leave it, i'm not really a political genius, I should have t tracy write one of these, he can convince your mind with his wise words.

One former gulag inmate, Soon Ok Lee, spent seven years at a camp near Kaechon in Pyungbuk province. She told the network: “I was in prison from 1987 till January 1993. [The women] were forced to abort their children. They put salty water into the pregnant women’s womb with a large syringe, in order to kill the baby even when the woman was eight months or nine months pregnant.

“And then, from time to time there a living infant is delivered. And then if someone delivers a live infant, then the guards kick the bloody baby and kill it. And I saw an infant who was crying with pain. I have to express this in words, that I witnessed such an inhumane hell.”

Soon watched 50 fellow prisoners dying excruciatingly painful deaths when they were used as human guinea pigs in biological warfare research.

“I saw so many poor victims,” she recalled. “Hundreds of people became victims of biochemical testing. I was imprisoned in 1987 and during the years of 1988 through ’93, when I was released, I saw the research supervisors — they were enjoying the effect of biochemical weapons, effective beyond their expectations — they were saying they were successful.”

I too dont have the heart for the north korean people. I live less than a hundred miles from children being starved, where there is torture that compares and/or exceeds anything genocide to this day, and yet I can easily go days and weeks without a thought in the world about the wickedness of our generation. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/433641.stm

I guess what i'm trying to say is, there is slavery today, there is child prostitution. my personal friends have gone to the prostitution capital of probably the world in pattaya and one ministry there. they talked to bar girls and prostitutes, and they say those girls and boys live in fear and conditions of abuse and torture and even fear of murder. they say its like hell. girls from 7-14 are easily seen on the streets. they go as young as infants, 2 or 3, man I heard stories, they get raped and stitched back up, so messed up.

and yet where is my heart and my cry... i hear and I'm close, we the educated have the ability to change this! this is the hour to get my mind set on path. I need to pick up a history book. do my research. I gotta blow this up. if only getting people to care was as easy as getting them to smoke pot for the first time. I guess i'm a little sad of how the decisions i've made, have effected the ones I loved, and proceeded to grieve my heart to this day. well like I said, do your own research, deeper than mine, i'd love to write a real essay, but I just googled things like north korea death toll, slavery today, child prostitution. or you can turn the blind eye and live in your ignorance. my friend maudie had a quote, it said leave your mark on the world not on the earth. (it was a thing for environmental issues) but its true, what are you going to leave for the world?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

roll-your-own.tumblr.com

Thursday, February 24, 2011

people busy.

everyday I meet people, all day long. I want to just chill at home.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

crushing red embers in a pile of ash.

I need to encourage myself a little bit. Don't get caught up in competition and judgment. Don't look at skill and standards. Just do what you love and let your steps be established for you one at a time.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

tell the world

I wonder what the power of art is. I think I like photography because its spontaneous, and i'm spontaneous. Every time I wake up early to gear up for a shoot, I feel good. I feel right. I said it today and I think I say it every time, this is the life. I pack my back like i'm packing heat (I've never been to war and I know the frightening truth behind some of it) but I feel like i'm going to war; especially when I'm shooting Allen's 70-200mm. I said today the only thing that would make this cooler if we were shooting real guns (boys like guns) I've always had a fascination with the army. I wanted to go for some period of my life but when I told my mom, its one of the few times she got really stern and said no. I talked to my friends in the army. Jazz, he told me I shouldn't because i've got direction, i've got dreams and i'm living them out, he said it would just be a detour. I don't know what it was about wanting to join the military, maybe it was to prove my manhood, you can't really say much to a guy that has put up with all the crap you must put up with, risked his life, fought and toughed out some of the hardest conditions imaginable.

My friend's brother experiences PTSD, he has seen blood, heads rolling off bodies, a hole blown in his friends chest. War is very real and so is death. The things that give us the most stress in our day to day lives are meaningless to these kinds of men. If I told this man my day was so crappy because the lady at the immigration office gave me the wrong info, what do you think he would say? The privileged life i've lived has spoiled me. How can I open my mind and not be a tool to society?

And look at how I write, it is all about me. When will it not be about me?

Anyways life is still beautiful. Allen, Diddy, Seunkyung, and myself shot Wongyu and Wonhee's wedding today. Many times I forget that my brother or sister is getting married, that his life is about to change forever, and that this is probably one of the most crucial points to their lives. I get caught up in the business, I do my job as best as I can and i'm so focused that it becomes a little surreal. I watch these 'events' through blinks of my shutter with a hope that I can capture the essence of their love and joy. I love seeing them smile and laughing at the alter. In the midst of such stiffness and what is kind of a show unto other people, I love seeing couples come back to reality and come into the joy of each other's presence; the pureness of their vows; and the love that will last a lifetime. I love seeing the couples be real with each other.

We have a weird dating policy at my church, don't get me wrong, its great because it is a testimony of seeking God in the middle of it; it creates some of the most healthy and beautiful matches i've seen, many say "it was meant to be." A couple was announced today that they had been dating. They kept it a secret. Me and Jos were talking about it yesterday, he was trying to bet who it was, I said 'i hope i'm not going to be a little heart broken at the end of it.' He knew exactly who I was talking about and it was funny when I met up with him today. We both just started laughing. With a tender heart we grabbed some grub and headed for a Whisky sour and took a walk into the alleyways of Itaewon. We talked about a lot of things. I really like that dude. We are kind of on the same page, it is really nice to have him to walk beside. I really want to see him come back.

Anything else? I'm happy right now, a little chilly but happy.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


i'm bored of this layout. I should invest in learning html.

Friday, February 11, 2011

the feeling of insignificance is a nasty bug. It leads people for cries of attention and most of the time is expressed in rebelliousness.

But dont you worry, you were born for a purpose, a special reason, you are significant. Very.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

i'm bored.

i need a partner in crime. for the first time in a long while, I need brady.

Monday, January 31, 2011

http://gopro.com/cameras/hd-hero-naked-camera

I want this little bugger.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I was mad a little bit ago. I hit the floor, hit my desk, and went outside for a walk.

I'm not sure where it came from, frustrated, feeling a bit judged, feeling like I failed myself and weirdly to say my dog. It is sad.

I calmed down on my walk, I knew I couldn't continue to abuse myself on the rare occasion I do feel angry, where did that come from and how will I react? I don't want to be a ticking time bomb waiting for my next explosion, not that I think I am, but its just a thought.

Friday, January 21, 2011

I had the best afternoon the other day. The worst to best I mean.

I got super restless while having lunch with a couple of friends. They thought they have peeved me in some way, maybe, but I just had to get outside after sitting in a cafe all morning.

I grabbed my board, leashed my dog and then made my way through streets, crooks and crannies, cobblestone pathways and found myself at a half frozen river. The sun was low as I followed the different walking paths towards the sky park. 하늘공원. I remember I had seen a skatepark while I was chilling up there so I journeyed in search of it. On the way i'd been praying and searching for some manual pads, and voila, the most amazing set of wide stairs and concrete benches appeared at the edges of the river. It makes a beautiful shot but I just might be fishing skateboards in the spring. I ollied up and down and weaved my path through ice and snow to proceed on my journey. The sky was turning pink and dark blue, I kept thinking to myself, I wish I had a girl here, but that'd make it that much worse, its a moment that couldn't be shared. The park was ridiculous, so cool, yet made me think, hmm a real skateboarder must have no designed this. It was all banks and pyramids, with super steep ledges and rails, it'll be fun when I shovel some paths clean. It had these super long ledges that have c bends in them, but the coping was rusting so I'll have to bring a decent amount of wax. I goofed off on the half pipe a bit then when to go look for my dog who has been running wild and free as I have been skating. Its the best when I whistle and I see her head jerk a little bit, usually she doesn't come right away, but when she starts bolting towards me, its a beautiful sight. I continued skating around and you wouldn't probably know but when your kick flip goes 3/4s and you land primo, that really sucks. as I lay, tail bone aching, facing the sky, it reminds me of all the other times i've been in this position, a little to tired to move, but enjoying life. That was the best.

So privileged.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

its like a symphony of beautiful things mixing together for some weird and unseen reason.

the wine glass are chiming against one another, i feel like tearing up cuz i've lived a beautiful life and I still have so much more passion to grow in. I know there is more than this. I'm happy of my past, of where i've been and where i'm going.

i used to be called a skater in high school, walking around with torn up shoes. I remember johanna saying "i'm hanging out with the skaters right now" now I dont want to skate my new sneakers, I've swayed to far haha.

anyways listen to lykke Li-tonight. I get some of my best music from old skate videos. thank you andy for being a skater to heart.

www.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DyrbpWR0xwDY%26feature%3Dplayer_embedded&h=794e9

Saturday, January 1, 2011

what a start to a new year. its been a good strong finish and a wonderfully fruitful beginning. Praise God who is much closer than you'd ever imagine.

yesterday we went into the studio. began by leaving the suitcase in the cab "peter run after that!" I returned to allen just smiling. We shot for 3 hours. dressing and rotating models, creating outfits, making sure the girls didn't stare to much when the guys were changing shirts.

went to dinner in itaewon afterwards, got pizzas and pastas at my chelsea and I threw my portion of the days work fare into picking up the check, thanks for dinner allen. They started playing daft punk and some other dancy music so I had to stand up and act a fool. we are something cool.

came home and chilled, took my classmate who modeled for us to the bus and just got to know her more out of school context. it was really good and I think she had a blessed time with my friends and I. Then I headed to coffee centre where I proceeded to mix white russians and gin and juices. I think I had the fair share of those but people were having a great time. A super chill duo played some folky pretty sounding music (the bell and the hammer) One minute to new years I busted out the champagne and got everybody a class just in times to cheers and bless the new year. Tons of blessing of everything, kinda like brick loving everything he saw.

today woke up late, made greasy american breakfast to best I could, cleaned a bit and then headed for an engagement shoot. what a lovely and blessed couple. Shot them for a couple hours with some epic lit palace shots. something fresh and special thats for sure. We finished the session by being prayed for, he nailed our requests without even asking and I was incredibly blessed, and I think allen was too. This is going to be big.

I went to kyobo, returned some books, looked at some magazines and then headed to the jerusalem ministries prayer meeting. it was great and I was ever so sweetly touched with joy. Even closer than I'd ever know haha. I hope you all would experience the sweetness of God one day.

tomorrow jon is bringing eugene's 85 les paul custom (black, white and with gold fixings) with a factory whammy bar from cananda. i just might get to play it at service. sick.

this is the first day of the new year. wow.

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