two weeks notice

in a mad rush to prove myself a college graduate, i sought after work. i said yes to everything at the expensive of my joy. i burdened myself with my own greed, and tried to make a way to provide for myself. i've never concerned myself this much about how, what, when and where, and it wasn't right for me to do so just because i've got this new found freedom. (bursting the schooling bubble)

i talked with my father today. told him i've been unhappy these days trying to make ends meet. told him i'm getting paid like a dog, my hands are washing dishes instead of creating things, and i've sold out to be a tool instead of being a linchpin. i was easily dispensable, i would have loved to have been taken over by a dish washer.

i felt my gifts where going to waste. so now is the time to take a step back. put in my two weeks notice. to leave room for whatever is in store. leave room for God to be God. leave room for excitement and the unknown to be uncontrolled. (i've been striving to maintain control) leave room for people, guitar practice, writing songs, writing blogs, taking pictures, fixing stuff, exercising, being happy doing things I love (north face gym this friday)

its interesting that i've lived this many years and still don't know myself. without connecting the dots, i had no idea the reasons i had been unhappy and dissatisfied these days. i think its a clear sign of what i'm to do, and what not to do. when I took a second job, i became angry and defeated, i beat my head on the tile wall, i screamed in the bathroom. my foolish decisions to prove myself.

so like 2008, when i didn't think twice about dropping out, didn't think twice about living in korea, didn't think twice about the future, i leave room for whatever to happen, and i am expectant for the adventures to come.  

mind dwellers

its interesting how easy it is to sway from being fine to being totally discouraged. why is that. how is it that our minds are so quick to agree with the we cant and submit to the negative possibilities.

i felt burdened in my heart this evening. i couldn't see past working minimum wage, with a college degree, a handful of things i'm pretty good at, and not able to make a cent from it. it took a great deal to overcome. a swaying of my mind, back and forth, able, not able, encouraged, discouraged. one of the most memorable things a friend has said to me is 'don't think so much'

i guess i'm trying to apply that as best i can.

anyways, i'm a partner in a wonderful photography business. its our business. why do i act otherwise? things will fall into place, i just need to stop despising this humble beginning. minimum wage humble beginning...

inspire me so

so i am trying to inspire myself these days. dream for bigger things by going step by step. i dont know what capacity i have to steward the different things that are in my life, and i'm not sure if these thoughts are things that should keep me from doing or not doing. jerusalem ministries might be looking for someone as an events coordinator, full/part time. i want to begin to pray about this opportunity as it may be something very special. allen as began to really step up lumiere and co, challenging us to shoot and begin to take steps in the direction of greater professionalism. my personal music has been very enjoyable, but as far as inspiration goes, i sometimes feel i juice the small bits i receive here and there. there are times when i'm so uninspired and revert to generic techniques, neither good nor bad, but stagnant and generic. the feeling in which i should just stop playing during the set. i look around the crowd to inspire me, to see their beautiful faces, it makes me really happy.

things take investing. i need wisdom. people take investing. time is valuable. money shouldn't be regarded as highly. but i need it to buy stuff, to further stuff. its an interesting time of tension i am in. want a warehouse, drums and amps in one corner, sofas, chairs, bed, kitchen, bathroom with darkroom facilities, camera and post processing media office, workbench and table, files for sandpaper, files to grind stuff according to my specific need, junk for me to assemble and take apart, to create something new. a space i can call home. a space i can build from. a space i can dream from.

its clear. sort of. i cannot shelve my art career, it's to grained in my hands. no one art medium is enough. its not a burden its easy, artist. period. potter by day, musician by night, photographer by moment, writer by need, everything in its right place, just as i want it to be. 

you can't have any pudding

so i've only recently figured out that i am an external processor. that could explain all of the old blog posts.

i have finished school. and roy, not school, taught me that there is only one space after a period. and i told joseph otherwise.

i have my discrepancies with the way my university experience went, but i suppose if it wasn't for it, my life would be in a different place. maybe for better maybe for worse.

i work next to a chef, its great. he pushes me to experiment, i wish i could burst the bubble more. i feel like there isn't even a box to be broken out of, a set of boundaries in which to experiment from. maybe i just need to brainstorm. he has served me gourmet, and taught me how to eat, not to fill my stomach. which is good because every other meal i eat is to fill myself. eggs and rice, rice and eggs, sometimes some pork, maybe spinach.

so i have finished school. i thought it would be more glamourous. i guess its a common misconception. i did have a cool opportunity arise, like i'll be on tv for the first time. (vimeo link to come) i think in the midst of not wanting to be a joke, i went job hunting. i stressed myself out unnecessarily but achieved what i set out to do. in a single day, i took two jobs, got a raise, and quit one job. thats how productive i can be. in the same week, i quit another job, which was teaching english. in the spare time that i have these days, i've been playing guitar. all i wish to do is become a rock star. i mean a better more capable musician. i bought a beautiful guitar and brought a bass into deaf spanish. i havent been able to write anything new as of lately, but i shouldn't let these mixed emotions go to waste when i can over exaggerate the feelings to write a half decent song. ive been better training emy, to walk, to heel, to sit, to stay, outside without a leash. i've got calling my mom and dad more frequently, been catching up with old friends regularly, and finally managed to stop ignoring my roommates as of today. i couldn't explain my actions, i wanted to see a shrink, the second time in my life i've ever wanted to.

i wish i was paid just a little more. actually a lot more.

louis and i are in the works. we are roasting meats, getting better, but need to head into smoking. thats where its at.  with a seasonal menu, and a nice craft beer selection.

things i still want. a leica.