jundabang family outing

had a talk with allen last night. put things into perspective a little bit. can't let things go to waste. can't waste my time by investing in things that don't produce.

had a wonderful dinner to vamp a slow day. met my coworkers, the jundabang project family. we went to two different burger joints to taste test their menus. we conversed and tasted, joked and play jenga. one of the dudes lost and had to buy a round of wings, little did we know he got super hot so we could barely eat them. quite mischievous.

i'm going to start meeting the chef for casual conversation to help him improve his english. this should be fun. we were dissecting the parts of the cow in korean and english tonight. good to know.

guys and girls are different. girls are talkers and listenings. guys are listeners that try to fix everything. i caught myself doing that today, i hope she understands.

i'm quite tired. i took off the doors of my closet to create more space in my room today. I organized the shelves to make room for my mom. i'm trying to clear out the vanity area so she can have more space. i was thinking about turning my closet into a tiny office, but i reconsidered, but maybe i still will.

i want to buy a home. enough of this renting lifestyle.

it is so easy to feel alone. i don't know why i do it to myself. i'm so glad i went to dinner tonight. 

crying in the streets

today was one of those, i can't believe that just happened, sort of days.

fought with my mom. don't think i have like that yet.

troubled how unfilled we all really live. under so much oppression we think we just have to hold onto it. sad really. how we try and cover up things that aren't right, and think we can hide from our sin and shame. as much as it doesn't have to be like that, why is it?

she hates my dad. she hates the idea of me having a relationship with him. she was so overcome with anger that the words from her mouth were evil. i've never heard such words uttered before. she says she goes to church and prays so that she can over come such emotions. i told her church doesn't help anybody, its the love of God that will set someone free. i pray for her.

she called me judgmental and narrow minded. she cried that she had nobody to stand up for her. i yelled back how could i, i was 10 years old when your relationship fell apart. i told her i love her so much, that she needs to let these terrible emotions go, and move on with her life. i told her she needs to move on. i was shocked how easily somebody is swayed from love and truth and support. she said she was now an outsider, because i want to be a part of my dads life, i told her that was not true. she said that i dont care for her, understand her. i told her i love her, and i burden the bullshit of you, dad, and chris. i told her nobody in our family believes anything better can be done except for me. i am the only one trying to fix anything. everybody else is caught up in their own pain to care. woe is me, victim mentality bullshit. i told her nobody was there for me in my worst times. when i was in college, depressed, confused, fatherless, and lost. i told her i had to fix my own life, where were you mom and dad? i told her Jesus was the only one who could help me, thats why i fell in love with God, because he healed and set me free. i cried to her, you need the love of God to set you free.

crying in the streets of itaewon. i called her to say hi at lunch, and walked out of the restaurant door where my friends where, yelling.

what happened to her life was wrong. what happened to my mother and fathers relationship was wrong. wrong was done to one another, and wrong is still being done. how long do we harbor bitterness that turns to poison in our souls? decades it seems. decades of pain is finally coming out. decades of unforgiveness is coming out. finally coming out. i always prayed that the best is yet to come, the best is yet to come for my family. maybe that is about to be answered.

when we step off the good and narrow path, it is apparent what happens.

its hard that i am the catalyst to this pain. its hard that i am the only one in my family that thinks something better is going to come out of this. 

time to build

how depressing these posts have been lately...

i went out on the mountain yesterday. there was a ton of fresh fallen snow. i took my sweet time in the late morning to meander around the apartment, and then i headed out after lunch to my go to trail up line 6. i had the intention to go snap some photos. i wanted to rekindle the flame for photography. as i climbed and took pictures, explored and observed, i had moments where my mind was empty, and other passing moments of mental traffic. when i am able to take a step back and take a look at where i am going, it feels like korea is a blank canvas for me to begin to work. i saw a bunch of boulders and rock faces that were crying to me, 'climb me!' i thought, what am i waiting for? i complain there is no one to do it with, i just need to forerun it till the right partners come along. today as i was taking a moments peace, it was really nice slowing down and getting deep with God like i used to in my old room. dim lit, really reminded me of minnesota, even my franklin ave pad. that in itself was really good. felt like it had been a while since i was able to really express and process what was going on. today at the cafe, the owner and i were talking about studios and spaced. it was interesting, but the image of the studio we were looking at was a bit claustrophobic but it looked like a real art space. its been reoccurring to me lately that i need to get a space to work in. i need to call joker, to see if he can mentor me in climbing. i need to go to the neighbor roaster and get some advice on building a dark room. i need to find some people wanting to split an art space. a place to make music, loud music. a place to building and collaborate, grind, sand and weld stuff. its time to build. its time to move. 

porcelain

i live my life for things i dont even want to live for.

my time gets spread so thin i cannot apply it to the things that i prioritize. apparently i don't prioritize them.

wasted time for lukewarm friendships. categorized into potentials. a big community thats is compartmentalized into shallow relationships. everybody jokes, then snaps, jokes, then snaps.

people cannot be real because they are afraid of intimacy. i stay away from people because the fear of intimacy along with the mistakes i've made.

the lack of joy could be seen past my guitar, through my hair, into my eyes, facing the ground. a precious love, the one person who cared to notice.

my frustrations were expressed, and i received, with good intentions, meaningless jargon.

the one semi-righteous use of my time i want to quit.

and i'm no better after writing it down.

under pressure do do do do do do

feel the pressures of success and dreaming too big falling upon me. to much thinking, planning, contemplating. when i look back at what makes me happy, its being and not pursuing. i say i wish i could be a bum that likes to do what i do. rock climb today, take pictures, tomorrow, play guitar every other moment. why do i keep trying to race to the top?

why is it that i want to be the best of the best. even if it is fleeting. for one moment to say, i have created success. is this feeling wrong?

a sense of accomplishment.

feeling a bit immature. like i'm walking in circles. maybe i write these daily reflections, to pin a point on where i have come from and where i am going. word vomit. 

i could have been a contenda

i could have been a contender, i could have been somebody.

kinda the feeling i have this moment. just beginning to realize things i'm pretty good at, and feeling like i've begun to late.

i was on the walls with a handful of north face pros today, they were good, nothing that was to shock and awe, but good. some were a bit of a showboat, others less. one gorgeous girl i did my best to pretend wasn't there.

i came away thinking, i could have been on top. in some place in my life, i could have been on top. if only i'd given the time and guidance, i could have been on top.

i kind of feel like i've wasted the potential in my life. what have i amounted to? what have i accomplished? what good are the things that i do?

i could have been a contender, i could have been somebody.