jundabang family outing

had a talk with allen last night. put things into perspective a little bit. can't let things go to waste. can't waste my time by investing in things that don't produce.

had a wonderful dinner to vamp a slow day. met my coworkers, the jundabang project family. we went to two different burger joints to taste test their menus. we conversed and tasted, joked and play jenga. one of the dudes lost and had to buy a round of wings, little did we know he got super hot so we could barely eat them. quite mischievous.

i'm going to start meeting the chef for casual conversation to help him improve his english. this should be fun. we were dissecting the parts of the cow in korean and english tonight. good to know.

guys and girls are different. girls are talkers and listenings. guys are listeners that try to fix everything. i caught myself doing that today, i hope she understands.

i'm quite tired. i took off the doors of my closet to create more space in my room today. I organized the shelves to make room for my mom. i'm trying to clear out the vanity area so she can have more space. i was thinking about turning my closet into a tiny office, but i reconsidered, but maybe i still will.

i want to buy a home. enough of this renting lifestyle.

it is so easy to feel alone. i don't know why i do it to myself. i'm so glad i went to dinner tonight. 

crying in the streets

today was one of those, i can't believe that just happened, sort of days.

fought with my mom. don't think i have like that yet.

troubled how unfilled we all really live. under so much oppression we think we just have to hold onto it. sad really. how we try and cover up things that aren't right, and think we can hide from our sin and shame. as much as it doesn't have to be like that, why is it?

she hates my dad. she hates the idea of me having a relationship with him. she was so overcome with anger that the words from her mouth were evil. i've never heard such words uttered before. she says she goes to church and prays so that she can over come such emotions. i told her church doesn't help anybody, its the love of God that will set someone free. i pray for her.

she called me judgmental and narrow minded. she cried that she had nobody to stand up for her. i yelled back how could i, i was 10 years old when your relationship fell apart. i told her i love her so much, that she needs to let these terrible emotions go, and move on with her life. i told her she needs to move on. i was shocked how easily somebody is swayed from love and truth and support. she said she was now an outsider, because i want to be a part of my dads life, i told her that was not true. she said that i dont care for her, understand her. i told her i love her, and i burden the bullshit of you, dad, and chris. i told her nobody in our family believes anything better can be done except for me. i am the only one trying to fix anything. everybody else is caught up in their own pain to care. woe is me, victim mentality bullshit. i told her nobody was there for me in my worst times. when i was in college, depressed, confused, fatherless, and lost. i told her i had to fix my own life, where were you mom and dad? i told her Jesus was the only one who could help me, thats why i fell in love with God, because he healed and set me free. i cried to her, you need the love of God to set you free.

crying in the streets of itaewon. i called her to say hi at lunch, and walked out of the restaurant door where my friends where, yelling.

what happened to her life was wrong. what happened to my mother and fathers relationship was wrong. wrong was done to one another, and wrong is still being done. how long do we harbor bitterness that turns to poison in our souls? decades it seems. decades of pain is finally coming out. decades of unforgiveness is coming out. finally coming out. i always prayed that the best is yet to come, the best is yet to come for my family. maybe that is about to be answered.

when we step off the good and narrow path, it is apparent what happens.

its hard that i am the catalyst to this pain. its hard that i am the only one in my family that thinks something better is going to come out of this. 

time to build

how depressing these posts have been lately...

i went out on the mountain yesterday. there was a ton of fresh fallen snow. i took my sweet time in the late morning to meander around the apartment, and then i headed out after lunch to my go to trail up line 6. i had the intention to go snap some photos. i wanted to rekindle the flame for photography. as i climbed and took pictures, explored and observed, i had moments where my mind was empty, and other passing moments of mental traffic. when i am able to take a step back and take a look at where i am going, it feels like korea is a blank canvas for me to begin to work. i saw a bunch of boulders and rock faces that were crying to me, 'climb me!' i thought, what am i waiting for? i complain there is no one to do it with, i just need to forerun it till the right partners come along. today as i was taking a moments peace, it was really nice slowing down and getting deep with God like i used to in my old room. dim lit, really reminded me of minnesota, even my franklin ave pad. that in itself was really good. felt like it had been a while since i was able to really express and process what was going on. today at the cafe, the owner and i were talking about studios and spaced. it was interesting, but the image of the studio we were looking at was a bit claustrophobic but it looked like a real art space. its been reoccurring to me lately that i need to get a space to work in. i need to call joker, to see if he can mentor me in climbing. i need to go to the neighbor roaster and get some advice on building a dark room. i need to find some people wanting to split an art space. a place to make music, loud music. a place to building and collaborate, grind, sand and weld stuff. its time to build. its time to move. 

porcelain

i live my life for things i dont even want to live for.

my time gets spread so thin i cannot apply it to the things that i prioritize. apparently i don't prioritize them.

wasted time for lukewarm friendships. categorized into potentials. a big community thats is compartmentalized into shallow relationships. everybody jokes, then snaps, jokes, then snaps.

people cannot be real because they are afraid of intimacy. i stay away from people because the fear of intimacy along with the mistakes i've made.

the lack of joy could be seen past my guitar, through my hair, into my eyes, facing the ground. a precious love, the one person who cared to notice.

my frustrations were expressed, and i received, with good intentions, meaningless jargon.

the one semi-righteous use of my time i want to quit.

and i'm no better after writing it down.

under pressure do do do do do do

feel the pressures of success and dreaming too big falling upon me. to much thinking, planning, contemplating. when i look back at what makes me happy, its being and not pursuing. i say i wish i could be a bum that likes to do what i do. rock climb today, take pictures, tomorrow, play guitar every other moment. why do i keep trying to race to the top?

why is it that i want to be the best of the best. even if it is fleeting. for one moment to say, i have created success. is this feeling wrong?

a sense of accomplishment.

feeling a bit immature. like i'm walking in circles. maybe i write these daily reflections, to pin a point on where i have come from and where i am going. word vomit. 

i could have been a contenda

i could have been a contender, i could have been somebody.

kinda the feeling i have this moment. just beginning to realize things i'm pretty good at, and feeling like i've begun to late.

i was on the walls with a handful of north face pros today, they were good, nothing that was to shock and awe, but good. some were a bit of a showboat, others less. one gorgeous girl i did my best to pretend wasn't there.

i came away thinking, i could have been on top. in some place in my life, i could have been on top. if only i'd given the time and guidance, i could have been on top.

i kind of feel like i've wasted the potential in my life. what have i amounted to? what have i accomplished? what good are the things that i do?

i could have been a contender, i could have been somebody.

two weeks notice

in a mad rush to prove myself a college graduate, i sought after work. i said yes to everything at the expensive of my joy. i burdened myself with my own greed, and tried to make a way to provide for myself. i've never concerned myself this much about how, what, when and where, and it wasn't right for me to do so just because i've got this new found freedom. (bursting the schooling bubble)

i talked with my father today. told him i've been unhappy these days trying to make ends meet. told him i'm getting paid like a dog, my hands are washing dishes instead of creating things, and i've sold out to be a tool instead of being a linchpin. i was easily dispensable, i would have loved to have been taken over by a dish washer.

i felt my gifts where going to waste. so now is the time to take a step back. put in my two weeks notice. to leave room for whatever is in store. leave room for God to be God. leave room for excitement and the unknown to be uncontrolled. (i've been striving to maintain control) leave room for people, guitar practice, writing songs, writing blogs, taking pictures, fixing stuff, exercising, being happy doing things I love (north face gym this friday)

its interesting that i've lived this many years and still don't know myself. without connecting the dots, i had no idea the reasons i had been unhappy and dissatisfied these days. i think its a clear sign of what i'm to do, and what not to do. when I took a second job, i became angry and defeated, i beat my head on the tile wall, i screamed in the bathroom. my foolish decisions to prove myself.

so like 2008, when i didn't think twice about dropping out, didn't think twice about living in korea, didn't think twice about the future, i leave room for whatever to happen, and i am expectant for the adventures to come.  

mind dwellers

its interesting how easy it is to sway from being fine to being totally discouraged. why is that. how is it that our minds are so quick to agree with the we cant and submit to the negative possibilities.

i felt burdened in my heart this evening. i couldn't see past working minimum wage, with a college degree, a handful of things i'm pretty good at, and not able to make a cent from it. it took a great deal to overcome. a swaying of my mind, back and forth, able, not able, encouraged, discouraged. one of the most memorable things a friend has said to me is 'don't think so much'

i guess i'm trying to apply that as best i can.

anyways, i'm a partner in a wonderful photography business. its our business. why do i act otherwise? things will fall into place, i just need to stop despising this humble beginning. minimum wage humble beginning...

inspire me so

so i am trying to inspire myself these days. dream for bigger things by going step by step. i dont know what capacity i have to steward the different things that are in my life, and i'm not sure if these thoughts are things that should keep me from doing or not doing. jerusalem ministries might be looking for someone as an events coordinator, full/part time. i want to begin to pray about this opportunity as it may be something very special. allen as began to really step up lumiere and co, challenging us to shoot and begin to take steps in the direction of greater professionalism. my personal music has been very enjoyable, but as far as inspiration goes, i sometimes feel i juice the small bits i receive here and there. there are times when i'm so uninspired and revert to generic techniques, neither good nor bad, but stagnant and generic. the feeling in which i should just stop playing during the set. i look around the crowd to inspire me, to see their beautiful faces, it makes me really happy.

things take investing. i need wisdom. people take investing. time is valuable. money shouldn't be regarded as highly. but i need it to buy stuff, to further stuff. its an interesting time of tension i am in. want a warehouse, drums and amps in one corner, sofas, chairs, bed, kitchen, bathroom with darkroom facilities, camera and post processing media office, workbench and table, files for sandpaper, files to grind stuff according to my specific need, junk for me to assemble and take apart, to create something new. a space i can call home. a space i can build from. a space i can dream from.

its clear. sort of. i cannot shelve my art career, it's to grained in my hands. no one art medium is enough. its not a burden its easy, artist. period. potter by day, musician by night, photographer by moment, writer by need, everything in its right place, just as i want it to be. 

you can't have any pudding

so i've only recently figured out that i am an external processor. that could explain all of the old blog posts.

i have finished school. and roy, not school, taught me that there is only one space after a period. and i told joseph otherwise.

i have my discrepancies with the way my university experience went, but i suppose if it wasn't for it, my life would be in a different place. maybe for better maybe for worse.

i work next to a chef, its great. he pushes me to experiment, i wish i could burst the bubble more. i feel like there isn't even a box to be broken out of, a set of boundaries in which to experiment from. maybe i just need to brainstorm. he has served me gourmet, and taught me how to eat, not to fill my stomach. which is good because every other meal i eat is to fill myself. eggs and rice, rice and eggs, sometimes some pork, maybe spinach.

so i have finished school. i thought it would be more glamourous. i guess its a common misconception. i did have a cool opportunity arise, like i'll be on tv for the first time. (vimeo link to come) i think in the midst of not wanting to be a joke, i went job hunting. i stressed myself out unnecessarily but achieved what i set out to do. in a single day, i took two jobs, got a raise, and quit one job. thats how productive i can be. in the same week, i quit another job, which was teaching english. in the spare time that i have these days, i've been playing guitar. all i wish to do is become a rock star. i mean a better more capable musician. i bought a beautiful guitar and brought a bass into deaf spanish. i havent been able to write anything new as of lately, but i shouldn't let these mixed emotions go to waste when i can over exaggerate the feelings to write a half decent song. ive been better training emy, to walk, to heel, to sit, to stay, outside without a leash. i've got calling my mom and dad more frequently, been catching up with old friends regularly, and finally managed to stop ignoring my roommates as of today. i couldn't explain my actions, i wanted to see a shrink, the second time in my life i've ever wanted to.

i wish i was paid just a little more. actually a lot more.

louis and i are in the works. we are roasting meats, getting better, but need to head into smoking. thats where its at.  with a seasonal menu, and a nice craft beer selection.

things i still want. a leica.