fueling dreams in library books

I want a nice home, with a big kitchen. With wood floors and white walls similar to a home you may find in a country side; or even in a neighborhood such as Wayzata.

I dont know if I ever will own such a place. I'd like to think I will, with many different peoples congregating together in the kitchen and living room; as it may be a sort of sanctuary from the hectic unpredictable lives we live. Maybe i'm invisioning a real "real worlds".

I feel in order to make it perfect, I need to make it with my own hands. Which is somewhat difficult, I'll have to learn how to be a plumber, electrictian, architecht, carpenter, designer, and so forth.

In order to achieve such things, I need money. Yet I dont want the central focus of my life to be money. But its funny how it becomes that. The fields I am entering are hit or miss. Be rich or be broke. My no name band has one song. Yes! We are a long way from fame whether we want it or not. I make a tenth of the production cost in shooting photos or videos in weddings. Allen is an artistic genious and prodigy. He is amazing, and he has the business and marketing skills to see this through. These two things I like and are good.

I like many things. I like print making; I have been sensing more and more that I need to start silk screening and letterpressing. These two techniques I know very little about. I really dislike school, but I like worshops and seminars and so forth. I also like pottery, sometimes. I'm a natural at glass blowing but I have a feeling I am not going to pursue that. I'm learning how to weld next week. I feel that will come useful in building my home someday. Typography will probably come into play with printmaking and poster design, which I can use for weddings and concerts. Pottery will be great for bringing culture and character into the kitchen of my Jesus commune. My metal working skills can be used to create weapons when my neighbor renaissance commune desides to zachattack.

I have a lot of things I want to do with my life. I should realize that its okay if I dont get to it all, I can't fulfill my full potential. Jesus didn't, so I shouldn't expect to either.

And as of now, I'm a lazy college student that is taking one baby step at a time, fueling dreams through library books, with a thought that chances are I wont have that much money but thats okay. I also like to write, but its a blog with 9 followers.

And I like people.

when will I start to believe that natural talent can only lead so far?

why do I compare so much? I wonder where this was birthed from?.. most of the time it just leaves me discouraged more than inspired.

I want to be great, maybe I put a irresponsible expectation on where I am at now.

Things I want:

A hand made track bike without any drilled holes. (preferably from Japan)

A Fujifilm x-100 rangefinder

An Electro-Harmonix Holy Grail Pedal

Places I want to go:

New Zealand

Iceland

Portugal

Chile

Brazil

Its amazing right now because I'm not where I want to be, but I'm getting there. The things I honor and admire, I'll be there soon.

I just got home from an amazing evening. Maybe a moment, one of those moments. I met up with some bros I meet up every week, chill, talk through stuff, encourage, and pray. I got some stuff i've been really working through into the open; I've just been sad lately about how my parents got divorced. I'm finally grieving it.

Instead of taking the narrow bridge home, I took the roundabout on the river. I biked as fast as I possibly could, almost as if I was flying and being freed from my sorrow. I glided past those on the right (slow pokes) as I was watching the scenery mix beautifully with the beautiful sweet music play in my ears phones. I moved swiftly like a fine tuned machine; I have gotten to know my bicycle very well and have learned to trust in it. His name is bike. Down shifting up hills, up shifting to push through into the higher speeds, man was it fun. I stopped in front of Yeouido Full Gospel (the worlds largest church imagine that) and climbed the stairs to cross the wider bridge. I made my way across, passing the bird sanctuary on the island below me. I decided to get on the road because around this time (10:00 pm) the side streets are pretty empty. I proceeded to bike as fast as I could, and climbed a steep slope, feeling like Lance Armstrong hurrying to catch the remaining of green light. When I broke the intersection there was an amazing hill going downward. At the bottom I entered a tunnel made of trees and branches. The roof narrowed and brought me comfort and joy. I stretched my arms out and was just in awe of the romance I was experiencing. It felt like NYC riding with Shiraz...everywhere. I started getting the feeling I was so near my dad. I felt like he was so proud of me, so happy for me; just because I was so happy. I felt like I was riding the first bike he gave me.

I wish I could have shared it with somebody, somebody who likes to go fast.

Anyways I've been listening to; Trampled by Turtles, Album Leaf (a favorite now) has been on my repeat, and the books (a ton of fun) I've been shaking the rust off at school, throwing my different cylinders and such and such, I start blowing glass again in a couple of weeks, i've been getting along great with my friends at school, I finally got a friend I can call up at every lunch and dinner opportunity (man I've missed that since my freshman year of college, the first time) Things are good, rough, but good.

My sister is getting married in Cancun this winter, if I know you well, lemme know if you want to come!

So i've been caught up in a brain storm about what to do about my winter trip. My primary destination is Cancun for my sister's wedding! How great! Some cities I love; Minneapolis, San Francisco, Phoenix, New York City, all primarily because of the friends and family that are in those places.

I judge things based on adventure, so the less exciting it seems, the less likely I want to do it. I want to venture it up with Todd, possibly go into Colombia, or some other South American country. I havent been down there yet.

Minnesota I could help my sister with wedding preparations, just serve her and josh, and be a blessing. I could see all my friends! Get my license renewed My cousin Jin and a few other good friends of mine are in NYC...She just got married so it would be nice to see the fam but its a little random. I guess thats off the list. San Francisco, I was there last summer and loved it, and plus its a layover to Phoenix...So if I intend to fly directly to Phoenix I might as well take a few days. Phoenix would be good to see tigger and spend time with my mom, grandma, and other family.

BTW, let me know if you'd like to come down, maybe we can make something work!

one good reason for not getting married soon is that Studio Lumiere is going to be even more kick ass as time progresses. Not that we aren't already

I feel I cannot communicate. I can no longer be honest. I feel judged. I feel I have to live to an expectation. I feel I cannot live a normal life. I feel poisoned.