looking at my friends profile picture, it just solidifies my thought that I don't have what it takes. I can't be better, I can't be more creative, I can't be the best. I thought I was passionate, one semester for him and he's creating great works, technically difficult and beautiful in forms of function and abstract use. that sucks but thats good for him, hes always better than me, this is jealousy speaking now. fuck. now im at my low. what can I do? I feel I don't deserve things in my life, my friends, my opporunities. there to good.

it discourages me. doesn't even want to make me try to become better. it makes me want to disappear into a hole, just to lose myself and not have a mind to care what is happening in the world. I have been given the chance and I didn't try my hardest, im so frustrated. I could go for a pick me up now, maybe one of those cigarettes in that pocket. fuck.

I went to church, theyre different than catholic churches I found out, it was really great though. but something about a empty cathedral makes me feel so small, puts me in my place. humbles me. Todays message was to let God do work through us. If we say to him use me, i'm at your hands. at our weakness he will be able to use us, what is it that I can do? I'm pretty lost. so use me, I will follow your path and I know love and good will follow. I don't need to fear and I know I will be saved.

I can't kick this feeling, I have so much happening coming up I need to get my spirits up. I'll fill you in soon, and maybe update a picture, I've pierced my nose. later