because you wouldn't know

so I could write in my journal but unless your one of the lucky few to view into that thing you wouldn't know. I guess this is what this blog means to me. So you guys know what the worst kind of fish is? care to know? its a selfish haha. I was told that by one of the dudes I've looked up to my whole life. Amazing how that stuck with me. His older brother Ron choi used to tickle me till I cried and then Mark (marky) would be all nice and stuff. I hope hes doing well where ever he may be. I've got a picture that I found he must be in his teens and i've got that in my wallet. but you guys don't know him so I'll stop here about him. Its relevant cause I've never really been a selfish person. I've always been caring and probably went to far out of my way to try and be a nice person. But I can't have little things holding me back. And i'm not saying you guys are little things, I love you guys to death but this next year is going to be my time. I'll miss you guys but I can't be consumed by the thought of that. I don't really know what im getting at sooo I'll just write. Wow in four months we've made so many friends! that was awesome. like the first step to study abroad goal was reached wonderfully. and now we've all got our ways to head and I hope you guys make the best of it. I see such maturity for age in Yoseb and he gave me a lot of comforting words on the front step today, I didn't even see this coming and such meaning came out of our conversation. I'm really grateful for those moments. He said he had hard times when first going to the states, he had memories of back home and how he could be doing this and that and having so much fun, meeting new friends and how he missed it so much. He said those four months or so he was really being held back from living his life fully. I have to prepare myself for this, I'm ready to say bye to you guys because you guys mean so much I can come see you at a later time, and if I'm really missing you I can get in touch via facebook or letters i'd love to keep in touch time to time. But this is going to be my opportunity, my chance to grow and learn who I am, what I really value, and what really matters. I can't be held down by sadness and consuming thoughts, I've got a year full of learning and growing to live to the fullest. I've let myself be consumed by to many little things, I have to learn acceptance, put it apart and move on. It if matters it will be along for the ride with me, but it wont be in my way. I'm commiting to something bigger than all that, and I have to push and work hard to accomplish my dreams in the years to come. I don't want to be pushed around I know what I want and I want the direct path to it. But I'm lucky, ive met such nice friends, caring people, that will be there for me when I'm having doubts or when I want somebody to talk to. I've got friends who encourage the better of me, taking care of myself, give encouraging words of wisdom, and giving me a faith I wouldn't have found back with my friends back home. I've been reading a bible that was recently given to me, I've attended church with a couple of my friends from time to time, I find it helps give me direction and lets me loosen the jumble of thoughts on my mind. I'm envious of english majors and or alex who speaks the most proper english, this blog would be quite beautiful then. Anyways i'm going to be working hard so I'm going to need ways to chill out, reading, writing, playing guitar. I could use book recommendations, I'll probably be asking you guys constantly. And i'll depend on you guys to keep reading this so I know you guys care. So i'll wrap it up, I hope to mature a lot after this semester, you guys have helped me develop character and accept who I am. You guys have really helped me understand what it means to have a friend and what it means to be a friend. And now I'm preparing for myself to take the next step in finding my own way by following a passion of mine. I'm going to be put away from night life environments and a very addictive custom of drinking and smoking. I'll be put in a home, with a bachelor of a teacher, just me and him and ceramics, country living, and korean speech. I think he will be a good mentor, and I think talking with him will allow me to grow up and develop myself even more. Its great because you guys have helped open doors for me to pursue my interests, taking pictures, writing, reading, talking, all of these have developed because of this experience abroad. thanks to many people and thanks to God for how he has given me such a good path to be following and the opportunities that have allowed me to appreciate friends, family, and even him himself. I'm so lucky, you guys are too, live your lives well. well john scofied and medeski martin and wood are soo good. peace