yo max,hows it going?

i'm doing pretty good, this traveling thing is pretty fun and kinda surreal. traveling gives me a ton of time of thinking, and sometimes its almost too much. The people I'm traveling with are cool, but there not people I really tell my feelings too, there close and stuff but i just tagged along on this trip cause friends were going. I dunno why I don't really post that often, maybe I don't put a lot of time into keeping in touch, maybe cause it takes time but I guess you probably understand me more than I think. Thats what years of friendsships good for.

I've kinda been left alone, everybody that I really love aren't with me, like you and my closest friend from here who went back to chicago, it doesn't leave me with people to talk to and let me express myself fully. I' just never thought of how grateful I should have been for our friendship, and how I never did take advantage of it, talking to you more instead of lettting my frustrations build up...its really unhealthy and it brings around some of my darkest fears.

I don't think i've changed a whole lot, i've started putting more faith into religion, and asking things from God, but he answers my hopes but still i'm scared sometimes. I fear for myself of how my dad turned out, he lost it in the middle of his life, and it has torn our family apart, and destroyed any pride I had in him..thats so sad cause I know hes a hard worker and potentially a good man, he had his troubles but I hope he can be happy. I can't live with the fear that someday I'll lose my head and that I will tear apart the love of my life and the love of my family like he did. I've been told I have control of my life, I do believe that, I start my foudnation on good and grow from it, but still theres a dark secret thats inside me, I need to be able to push that out and be so sure of who I am. This could have been a subconscious thing that appeared last year, I had no faith in myself and there for I hardly existed.

I'm in need of reassurance, of who I am and who I want to be. that I mean something to the world, cause at this point I feel so little, like nothing I can do can affect anything to any of us, I still try and appreciate the love of my mom, yet that seems so distant in the depths of my mind. its really sad. I know its not logical, but when I'm frustrated it, i put my hand to my head and pull a trigger, it clears my mind but its not sensible to do it in that sort of way. I've always wanted to talkt o somebody and I should have gone to a conselor during my troubles with my mom and smoking, but I figured that problem out with my mom and we are better. I'm happy for that but now I need to clear my head of these negative influences. I don't really know what to say or what is killing me inside, i guess its a little of that and a little of this, I have a happy life, full of friends and family, love and joy, but yet I bring myself down over and over again. People are quiet, i've accepted this, this isn't whats hurting me, i've grown to know myself a little more and it just takes time to get to know me where I can speak comfortably, but now its my dark fear, and its becoming aparent that I need to deal with this or I can't live.

I guess the moment is what matters, and I fear for my future, that isn't just cause the future is so broad and unknown it shouldn't be a problem. But if its building up now it will hurt my future and hurt the things that are present with it. I don't know how I can justify feeling this way because of how well i've been raised, and everbody has their issues, so whats my big deal? i'm just another person what does this matter to anybody? I don't even know man.

well I have hopes for my life, and the things I do, to follow my careers of interests and there are more important things to life than making money, I have hopes to live a simple and happy life, and enjoy each day by each day, working hard in whatever I may do, but I hope i'm happy doing whatever it is I might do. everything is so vague and maybe thats why I'm scared of whats to come, but life usually works itself out in the end, have you ever had a day go by and everything was fit together so well? like a perfect date or something..hahah nah but even a regular day it progresses so wonderfully and at the end of the day, your back in bed to start the next, i'm actually grateful for that. its the little things that make the way, but its the little dark things that kill my day.

I think i'm split in half, I duno if thats true, I believe i have my mother inside me, you know shes one of the kindest and purest people in this world, so wonderful, but even she gets down, so maybe these little things that get me down are just a part of living and I don't have to worry about that big thing, but I can't be so sure.

well you said I could come talk to you, so here it is.
thanks man for being there, even tho we're nowhere near..
oPeter