lovelove

its official i'm losing it. i'm chilled out now so its okay. we were in the most depressing place in phnom phen cambodia, the killing fields of the khmer rouge genocide. we visited the museum as well where there were hundreds of potraits of victims and prisoners, just face snap shots most with the same expression. there was nothing in there eye that sparkled, I wished I could say they had hope but there was no look in it. it was sooo depressing, kids, girls and boys, mothers fathers sisters daughters and sons, killed together for what reason? sorry like im preaching this shit but I really only know the surface behind it. what is the reason for all this? 30 years later and now its just a thing of the past, but the development has been decreased, places aren't even close to being developed but I can't say that about everywhere. blahblahblah I was so depressed and it furthered my thought on how I need therapy, do I seem normal to you? I'd say so but theres so other shit, its scary too. I catch him and call him out, hes so negative and angry, almost evil it scares the shit out of me. I was told by may I have control of my life, of who I want to be and that it isn't something I'm born with. but it is in me and I know where it comes from, thats why I havent been proud of "that guy" i refer to him as that a lot you guys don't need to know him, maybe when I can talk of him kindly you will meet him. but yeah hes a hard worker a good guy at times, he had a tough life and had his negative moments. tearing a bit of me and our family apart. hating him for years for what he did, but now I thought I had a chance to understand him, and I sort of do now, he needs to simplyfy his life, he seeks Christ and I hoped that would guide him, but sometimes it still doesn't. thats something that keeps me towards sanity, my faith is new and not developed, but if I do that wrong deed that haunts my head, i'll never make it to heaven to be with my mom. i'll be in hell with those thoughts drilling deeper and deeper for all eternity. fuck that. i need someone to talk to, to listen to me. i have people who would, but not held to my heart. actually thats not true, but soemtimes they just can't relate to how i'm feeling. fucking crazy. insane ready to shoot myself, like I'd ever held a gun. I could go for a shiraz right now, is that wine... what is that? it is who is that? I duno I have my best friends, and he was mine here, i havent made a new friend in a while and it was the greatest thing to make my friend, someone so good and accepting that words will fall short to describe it. someday a girl will bring that feeling again, and she will be my wife. someone to treat me kindly, love me for who I am, what I do, the things I say and don't say. for I can treat her like a queen, be so thoughtful and caring but nice guys are the ones to hurt right? some fucking bullshit. thats why I need my time to develop, grow up experience life and drive this demon from me. I need to be sure of who I am so I can raise a family, so I can be independent and be able to keep living. my writing is sloppy when I'm doing other things, trying to pick music check email do this or that. I got out whats been burdening me for the last couple of days. before i was just confused what I want to do with my life, and I'll let that sort of work itself out, the man has got a plan I'll just influence the path a little here and there. now i'm emotional and could cry if given the chance, I could scream if I felt angry, I could hug you if you were here, and I'd kiss you if I had you but I'm a mellow mix of it all and I'm just chillen now, this is the best part, chillen. peace should be praticed, I wrote down hope to the monks, hope is a wonderful thing, because you can always pick yourself up to it, and sometimes I loose site of hope, and then its dark and I gotta snap out of it. hannahs still writing so I guess I can keep at, none of us are that hungry, specially cause I just ate a mass amount of greasy street noodles, egg, vegetable and some hotsauce. talking bout hotsauceeee. go skate! jk go take pictures! go do and do instead of not doing, take advantage of your (our) opporunitys fully. be grateful of the little things too, a crappy but okay job, a car to cruise around in with open windows on a breesy day. a family to talk to and watch a movie with. a kitchen to cook your dreams into some crazy recipe, and a world so wide with a head full of unlimited dreams. go do! I love love