soo many feelings. first I'm a little crazy. thats cool with me. I returned to Korea, I love love love. I live in Ilsan, away from the I house and what it was. I'm at the I house with sam but I'll fill you in later so we can chill. chillen, at pc 방 now and viewed all of the shit ton of hannahs photos. how many rolls do I have, how much is that going to cost? bummer. should be joining a star game soon, but i'd like to get one out.
I figured out some things lately, a lot. this traveling put soo much pressure on my mind, so much new to take in and moving day to day to soak just even more new. its alot of change. but change, is good. in understanding. what to push for and not to push for.
waking, in the beautiful apartment, walking down the backlit hall into the open living room, light filtering in from the wall thats a window. just to stand and look. its absolutely stunning at night, doesn't even get old after months and multiple times visiting. its wonderful. head to the kitchen, drink to v8 juice, get on the vietnamese coffee (the grounds are to fine) and eat soo much cereal. it is wild how much I eat, due to the portions I give myself and the stuffing that happens before my mind catches up, but damn it was good to eat kimchi last night. ahaha.
so change, I'll be living on my own , thats good, I've never not had a roomate, this is all me. towards the end of our trip I was having a mental trip (when I realized I'm crazy) and it was due to all the following we were doing. follow the leader. now that I'm back I can pursue for me, do what I want. even though wanting isn't good I can do what I like is better. with help from friends, I do appreciate the help you've given me trying to find another ceramic artist to work with, and I feel bad cause I can't really do things all on my own. I do need people. but I can't be completely alone in this world, that should be a good thing. so change, my mom may be getting out here by october, then I wouldn't really need to move back to minnesota. interesting huh? I was frustrated because I walked into the UIC office and started to speak english, why can't I be saying those things in korean. I guess I need improvement, but its good speaking again, it feels right and its really nice being emersed in the society instead of what we had for the last two months, "tourists" it was nice talking with sam again, bro for life but I'll miss what we had. like its never the same. according to the Ihouse streets, the new kids aren't as cool as last sememster, it isn't the coolness but what we made of it, and you guys were amazing. period. so I watched that video tape I had, quite boring and yes it was questionable of why I was filming, but amy to your creeped outedness it was beautiful seeing you laugh again cracking each of our friends up as we sat around in 섬. so I want to be independent but I am still dependent to the good of others. I'm refining myself for the better, maybe it was a weird caffeine thing or a weird awake thing but I organized the shit out of where I sleep at my aparment, made the bed spick and span and then proceded to take a nap. I organize my back pack and fit cameras notebooks and books into fitting places, I guess I feel good about it, maybe the way james might feel when he loads up his bag. things that fit just feel good. good good good. its nice to find out that sam stopped drinking too, I was like ME TOO! we'll see I don't think I could turn down the beer on the rooftop of jakes 하숙 but I don't drink like THAT. get it? my last day in honk kong was so depressing due to bad thoughts, bad vibes, tired brains, and the beer that hit me too hard. even a beer can bring it to an all time low. I wish I had some of this organized, paragraph style, makes it easier to read.
amar I know somebody thats shipping a s65 to korea, I'll probably ride in it someday. speaking of material things is my point. during my crazed mind trip I destroyed all meaning in material. whats the point? once you have it it just turns into more junk. riding in a sports car, you feel the pull, hear the exhaust but once your just rolling you forget what you are riding in. its just another car and another something for a person to judge you on an image. if what you are buying is so you can seem to be judged better, than its stupid, and the person thats judging you isn't worth trying to impress.
i'm happy my dad is letting me stay at my grandmas, shes on a long trip to america. my family is gathered in jersey in prayer for my cousin, shes in Gods hands right now I hope for the best.
I'm going to live a simple life. its to much to try and live richly. filling your life with things that don't matter, what money buys. surround by the riches things on earth was my day today, maybe me smile a little. the fun of it, and the how its so not me of it. what makes me smile is rumadging through all the junk i've collected, papers, notes, pictures books little toys things that bring back memories. thats why I have so much stuff here, cause I've brought a ton of memorable junk to keep to thinking. i'm hungry, always hungry. gosh. latersss
passion, finally felt it again today. yesterday I got to pats aparment and grabed my guitar after chillen for a while. I couldn't put anything together, cause I wan't to put songs together so I can play with jake. i played songs and it bored me, I couldn't feel it, it was just blah nothing.
today this morning after waking, packing and chilling I grabbed my dads guitar. before I feel asleep last night I didn't try playing, but I tried learning. I put two fingers down and played a simple chord, hearing what it meant. switched my finger positioning, fret positioning and strummed, to hear the hallows of the open notes, the odds of the notes harming together. with that in mind this morning I put those simples chords in a formation and I just played, not caring where myt hands lead next but letting my ear fit the chords together. and I did and I wrote this shit downnn. I just jammed and let go, moving with feeling god damn it felt good again. feeling, I haven't felt in a while, last time was when I jammed with jake, letting the fingers just go. I sang a few words, gave titles and felt even stronger. improvising improvising improvising. good stuff. arightly might have taken care of my thoughts for the past few. later.
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