taking me out of hte loop for about a week.

ive done things.

good things.

umm made friends, gotten closer with church friends. I was dunked into a river brought up baptised.

I love australian people and have a huge crush on the ausie girl at church, but I'm trying my best not to do anything because I'm in not position to have a significant other in my life especially when I just dealt with a difficult sexual relationship. and now healed and trusting I had to ignore once again because I'm afraid of what soul ties may have been left.

I'm still a virgin, so I thank God for the covering he has placed in me. I was so close to the point of absolut regret and praise God for he stopped me. In all cases he pushed me through temptation and I have falled short of the glory one soo many times. Lie to the face of my mother who gave birth to me, kissing her when I had the stench of the resin on my lips as she says I can smell it as i walk away rub my lips with my hand and smell like I stuck my nose inside a bowl. Stolen hundreds of dollars maybe thousands from zumiez because it was fun, breaking into cars and stealing stereos. drinking to much wine and seducing a girl with a boy friend. tempting them into tempting myself. sin that turns me into garbage that I drags me down, puts barriers and unhappiness in the life of me. drags the spirit of joy to the depths of hell and makes me cry just for a thought of joy. I confess, repent and renounce as soon as I fall. I cry when I hear the stories of hell. I cry when another is lost. My heart burns for them so I am grateful. I am thankful for each time even when I wasnt with God, as a growing child saying prayers of dear God, please forgive me for the sins I may have commited and for the wrong things I have done. please forgive my mother, my father, and my sisters sins for they are good people. I heard a thing on selfishness recently and it stuck to my mind. what a bitter person he must have been because it turned my thinking into that people were all selfish. but that isn't our human spirit, for God did NOT make us timid, but gave us a spirit of power, of love, and of self discipline. thats my prayer. And to think I'm a person of little faith, but i turned my life into a movie once again, plugged into sigur ros at the ocean beach other during the soft afternoon light, squinting and dreaming as a child into the skies and thinking, someday I'll be able to leave this place and be at peace. thats where I want to be, because theres to much bull shit and crap on this earth to sometimes make worth living just not so great. but its still beautiful as it lasts.

and I didnt want to write because I contridictied myself on all the things I wanted to write about, but I didn't know I was going to write like this, and I didn't contradict myself. this is my heart that burns. these are the things I testify to my readers openly, especially with all the church friends i've been face booking, they have access now. I testify openly because your judgement doesn't matter, you have no right to judge me or give accusations. why am I attacking you now though? i guess its just a matter to say to myself.

I'm taking a photography black room course. I draw at drawing studio, i do drawings for sharks and of pat and hannah. I want to sell my photography and give all my money i earn to the missions fields. these are things i want. but thats according to that there are gifts and talents that are surfacing, and that It can be used to the glory of God. I'm at a pc room because i dont have interenet. i'm going to take my lap top to church tomorrow to try and skype with max. i'm going to tell my dad the things I want to do, and the things I may need financial help with. i'm trying to get a part time job at a wine bar that my teacher worked out for me. I hope scheduling works out. I hope I get accepted to hongdae, i find out in a few days. My mom sister and josh come in a few days. I'm picking them up from the air port. my times up. later