we were preparing to party, trying to concact this drink we found online. we drank in that kitchen prettymuch the whole night, blue drink o deth haha... we proceded to take the the drink and mix it into a gallon of OJ and drank that passing it to all who entered...then proceded to take the blue and mix it in, that turned it green...chillin downstairs I kept turning up the stereo, even though it was turned down, stood dancing in front of the volume nob...and ended up in a tree to be see by the mother on the balcony... made some drunk phone calls when I was blacking out and then crawled up in my snowboard bag caus I was cold in my basement and pukd in the corner of the closet...hahaha
if i could help the world I would raise awareness...a girl was talking today, side convo from mine cause I wasn't talking, she was directing at me, saying things about the harm that could possibly come through if lee myng bac canaled the whole of korea...I just got depressed said I can't help...
I dont think I'm ready for commitment...or i'm just scared Its going to hurt in the end of it. today was a overwhelming thought day...like I was hiped on coffee and cigarettes all day...in which i....
channeled some of the thought and made me feel better, but I still have the driving force in my chest. super huge crush, thinking this girl wanted to kiss me...she has a boyfriend.
i dont want to commit to a korean girlfriend because I don't think I'd be able to get my point across... I feel liek shit right now. but its not depressing its just shitty.
i miss my electric guitar, pat talked about blowing amps...i brought it up, jimi blew up curtis mayfields amp back in the day...i said you'd be suprised cause i've turned up and let loose but haven't blown my amp...got keep trying.
i found a jam partner, but i'm not to close to have a chemisty yet...not like us. i still jam, but i'm getting tired but I pull through with some new stuff that I forget moments later...
honesty is brutal..not brutal but intense...words are powerful and I duno if I'm placing them rightfully. notes I right thinking in expression of myself and not considering what may be built...but they should be cool right...cause I'm chill...
feelings are mutual, they're there for a reason... but balance is key in my book.
i feel like shit
i can't even take a calming breath cause I'm not calm.
and what gives her the right to dismiss me on my way when my roomate is hanging out. no biggie
sam lets drink soemtime...
i felt I can't touch people, its there semester abroad not mine your not that special. there part of something else.
i'm not that special...thanks susy honestly I need reminding. keeps me from being overwhelmed.
i'm handling everyitng pretty well right now. it all fits into play...but the new friends I want to take time for...I just havent.
to bad I say. I dont know if I mean that.
i'm writing my lifes story right now...you'll probably enter into writing in the chapters to come. glass blowing is cool, I get to learn that If I get accepted. what am I doing here, and why cant I just go home and forget this as a dream?
fuck
is such a good word when you need it most. honestly is intense, people just don't know what to say sometimes..its you not me. fine.
as of now I still feel like shit, its 2:30 in the morning and my chest feels like I drank a bunch of coffee. whats the deal.
and i'm getting tired of writing, kinda of, but I want to push this feeling out...go to bed. i duno whats its all about. i just want ............but thta isn't the answer to my lonliness.
cause i'm not lonely, i surround myself with friends constatly. i need my independent time, with yaks absense we met a new friend... but thats giving me some of the stress I feel right now. maybe.
yak, polly is our song
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
i know whats humbling...hold on always
hmmmmmmmm i'd like to yell loud or something that can get this out. but the most noise i've made was today, saying ya ge yo across a couple of conversations...smoking is bad, yak send me bali shag, max send me bali shag, somebody give me my own cigarettes so i can weed down. and zig zags, orange zig zags please! serious.
max were going to have couple hats, you'll undrestand later
i'm having trouble writing youa letter, theres just everyitng and none of that fits onto one sheet a paper... everying into something so small doesn't work right and how do i pick the words so you just know. everything. period.
i'm leaving this girl hangning. i'm chill though. she can handle it right? i cant decide. I should just commit. but our foundation is cameras... have I dared bridge a deeper conversation? btw shes 26. i dont know what to think. just to be careful... i havent had girl problems since...hahaha probably a hundred blog entries back hahaha
at least i havent thought about it...so intensly.
hopefully this clears a writers block. my journal has been note taking. i havent written in a while...actually thats not true. i want ..................
who actually needs?
i didnt need to use the computer...i just wanted to , but I insisted so what...i could write this? pretty miuch and wish my dear friend happy belated to keep in touch. keeping in touch huh?
but still i'm not talking. cause I dont think i've got proper words, that say everyting and dont mean anything...poetic....bunch of bull shit if you ask me. and i lose it to words and meaning cause i wont remember what I mean. bs right?
guys know card games? i know one...where I'm going to tell you i'm going to stab you in your sleep........hahahaha jk woe jk
people say things and I get a image in my head, people sayfucked up things I get fucked up images in my head...but i'm not fucked up so don't worry. and to that last thing thats a joke we all laughed and I said sorry cause I always feel uncomfortable after saying bad things...but its a joke. right hannah a joke reassure me please hahahah
intense huh
cant image a first time reader reading this...they might think other wise...
i found comfort in myself with understanding. i never took time to think relationships as mutual...i'v written a song on how I'm on THIS end of it...why. and writing lyrics is stupid cause i play the song and the words don't fit. i should go home and sleep...but sleep might not come right away... blah
there we go blah blah
blahblahblah
i wish it would update, everytime i enter and I wish I had a digital camera. hidden in words it probably doesn't make any sense. i use to make a caption, max and andrew are like that doesn't make any sense peter hahaha it was an attack. a direction.
gosh
still
she plays guitar. shes goofy. she takes pictures. shes an artist. she thinks. i'm totally infatuated. please remind yourself peter that shes a friend. its been said...just friends....that I want to kiss super bad. i wrote its worth it to wait for a passionate kiss...
i could go for a kiss
like that one time and the last kiss she gave me. one final kiss. the best kiss i've ever had
and the worst was the time she got me sick. first korean girl.
making out kissing a girls neck what are you doing? she says hahahh she had a boyfriend to sketchyh uh? hahah
i could have kissed her when she was super cute... laying next to me...but I tol myself no...i want else.
ended up making out at the club, not so meaningful but...it was a test, to see where passion lied.
the hug that moved so naturally into the kiss I didn't even realize it happened, later petey she says in her voice and she turns and walks to her tent.
making out in the corner of her room, dad walks in and tells us to sit up.
first kiss as a dare in the hot tub... two seconds of was that a kiss? or a tongue in my mouth
the kiss that made me wonder are we still kissing? the one time I managed game in one night, second date found out she was boring.
the kiss I could have taken, but its better to wait.
the kiss mmaybe my mom walked in on, she was sketched out by this girl asking who she was? hmm mom you WERE kind of protective...
the girl I shouldn't have told i had to do homework so I could get off the phone.
so how many girls you think i've kissed? hahahah count?
but give me a kiss and you'll have me open. i'll be comfortable to talk and I wont be akward. its the ultimate openess to knowness. i like to think. but I dont have a girl to kiss. and I'm not boyfriend material, I'll call every few days, see you once a week...sound like a boyfriend?
kissing friends on the cheek goodbye, mds jna gave a ride home for kisses on the cheeck, that made my night. so precious.
its been months without a kiss. even on the cheek where id have one everynight before bed at home. pops said he loved me a week or two ago. were chill. i love it when he drives. thats bonding.
but i'm out of words now sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo later
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