a tender place

I arrived home this morning, knocked on what used to be an empty door, to see my mom sitting on the floor, doing her small quilting craft things. Roy was on my bed, David lee was on the floor, caleb was in a tangle of blankets right beside diddy, I was happy to be home. Anyways its good to have my mother here. I hope it will be something special. I want to be able to serve her and be a big blessing to her. I want to be more loving and caring to her. I hope she becomes a grandmother soon. I think my sister is going to get married next year.

Anyways I took two weeks out to go help in the relief efforts in the Philippines. It was one of the most memorable trips for me. I actually replay the events when I close my eyes. It seems my life moves so fast sometimes that I can barely take time to reflect on it, this is different though. I see all the smiling faces, I see the crying faces, I see the poor faces, I see the blind faces, and in all these I see the joy. The Filipino people are quite amazing. They might have one of the most hospitable cultures in the world, and they are so selfless in their giving. It may not always be the best thing. They love joking together when they have times of chilling out together, man if only I knew more of their tongue, my good friend Em said we'd be cracking up all day. Hes a real good guy. They love to play, after our two day medical missions at one of the churches in metro Manila we had a great time of extended fellowship with a lot of the youth and young adults within that congregation. My good man Raffy whos really gifted in guitar and music (it seems like all Filipinos are gifted in dance and music) was a huge blessing to me. He helped us go into the 'refugee' centers, a school that they turned into a place where families found shelters, and he helped us to gather people to pray for them. We prayed with and for over a hundred people and I dont think Nathan and I would have been able to experience that without their sincere love. These small steps have really changed my life, in two weeks they really have been a huge blessing to me. It was my promise to them to continue to keep them in my mind and in my prayers. Thats all they wanted, more than money, more than food, more than shelter, they just wanted prayer. They were so grateful to God even in the worst of circumstances, they were just so thankful for their family and their own lives. They weren't bitter and angry, I couldnt explain it. When we would pray, most of the time it would be whatever, but it was the times when people would start getting tears that I would really wonder what God wanted to do. Thats why my heart is wanting to chase God, because he really comes alive and speaks in the hardest of times, to any people any time. We worked with Native Partners for World Missions (NPWM) which was started by our mother church Jeil Sungdo. It is so awesome to see so many different churches participating in this mission group. I'm so suprised in how much madam Hwang pours out her time and money into this thing. Its a powerful ministry that has over 16 countries represented and probably hundreds of churches. With them we bought 200 bags of rice and distrubuted that to the different churches and communities in the typhoon effected areas. We fumed for mosquitos, we visited small mountain churches and had wonderful times of prayer and worship. These little things that come together are so perfect and so needed. One guy with a mosquito smoker that was able to lend it to us may just have prevented hundreds of families from getting bit up by mosquitos carrying things even more gnarly than malaria. One pastor with a friend in the pharmacy was able to put a team of over 10 medical doctors and dentists that serve over a 1000 people, giving medical check ups, prescription drugs, and even tooth pullings. We were able to be a part of that by being available to lend a hand and be a lover to pray for as many people as we could who were waiting in the different lines. and then the team I was with, my team, they were awesome. I saw hearts healed, attitudes transformed, bondages and dependencies broken off of children (picking up cigarette butts on the ground) just by loving on them and showing them goodness and mercy for ten fifteen minutes. Its my favorite testimony when I saw a sister who doesn't have a heart for children, get a crazy loving heart for children. Its my favorite thing to witness, and when you witness, their love shines. The most beautiful thing. I'm excited, because the things unseen, have to be waited on. And all the prayers went somewhere, and I know they went up, into inscence bowls, being filled, with prayer and petition, till God tells the angels to throw them down to earth, and turn our lives inside out. The Philippines is poor, and many are even more poor in spirit, I believe God wants them just there. The righteous are going to stand up and they are going to go into the world, the Filipinos are going to stand up, and they're going to go into the nations with their loving and affectionate hearts, and they're going to do Isaiah 61. What i've been learning is that Gods thoughts are so much higher than my own, Pro 3:5 says trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. This just encouraged me so much. When I think God 'didn't' meet my expectations, this just says he has something so much more in store. Anyways I promised Em i'd be back within two years, I've said it once, and its happened before.
but even though this trip was so amazing, I had such a rough day today.
I barely could function. I didn't want to sleep when I needed to, I didn't want to eat when I should have, I felt restless, oppressed, and worn down empty. I tried to swing into my routine and I struggled and had to leave early. I tried putting my effort to my responsibilities but nothing made sense. It was only till I got home after trying to live, and went into my bedroom, saying I don't want anything from this world, because its making my heart hurt, and I just want to spend some time with the one that matters.

I sang songs, I read the red print that are the words of Jesus, and I was face down in meditation upon my life. I layed down my hardships, how school could potentially overwhelm me, how I can't made a solid friend within my major, how I am selfish, a falling sinner the second I got off the plane. I told him my desires; for intimacy not only with him. I told him I just want to be available, not to be known, or large, or strong, or mighty. I just want to be available. The vision I hold onto still seems impossible for me, all the details and the this and thats, whos and hows. Its not my duty, I just need to keep dreaming and I believe doors will open on their own.

I need to rest though.
God bless ya'll