I was looking at the photos of one of my favorite photographers and I was just in awe, like usual, at the images he captures. I don't know if he saw in the way I was but there were so many images that were entertaining me. I'd take two thumbnails and juxtapose them to create a deeper meaning. Theres a double exposure of a guy with his fist on his chest; on top a close of up of I think the same guys face, making a heart wrenching expression. I proceeded and looked at a picture of a beautiful girl, and couldn't help the thought of pains in thinking about the one that got away. I wish, in my mind, she wouldn't have gotten away. The expression is so sincere and loving. But its not my life, so I can just hope that I wont relent for the one I will love.

Anyways when I get mad, I become introverted and take it out on myself mentally and physically. I shy away and am grump even into the next day! but I realized this wasn't right, as i'm dealing with my anger, turned to grumpiness right now and finally after having a depressing day, I came home, put on bellarive and kneeled facedown onto my bed, and just laid there. I waited on the calming still small voice and felt like I wanted to play some guitar. I feel much better now. I try and make my own way, I got in a bike accident yesterday, and my wheel is all jacked up. I went to the bike shop I like and they gave me a pricey estimate, I started to research my options and ask Todd to see if he can get one off ebay for me, he just told me to calm down and wait on the bike shop to see if they had anything else. I just got a text message saying I can pick up my bike and that they found a wheel for a quarter of the price! These little things make me happy. Today is turning around, and earlier I thought I can't wait to fall asleep and wake up so I can be happy, what a lie!

note to me, the rich man from the west sam eapen dec 30th 2007

dont be foolish, dont just react. look for the organization that helps the poor children. act and plan when we see a need. even the beggars on the subway just don't give because you see. compassion is just the beginning. love is shown through compassion, and yes money. the block, hesitation, and idol I face.
In india the moms with skinny children walking around begging for money are connected to mobs. the money doesnt go to the kid, it goes to the master. a ton of those kids end up getting killed on the streets, give to the organization that cares for the kid, not the kid being enslaved to an evil syndicate.

I give to the poor, and sometimes I wonder if I'm giving for the right purposes or sowing in the right areas. I mean I look at some that are physically able to work if they would clean up a bit, yet they beg half heartedly (if you knew what that meant without it making me look like a jerk) with a cup of ramen noodles in the other hand. Is it there state of mind? what is it that keeps them in such poverty? I remember looking at the bums in san fran and I was wondering how they could have gone to schools and gotten a proper education, yet they are still bumming on the streets trying to keep the trend of being a hippy alive. get a job. if you only knew how much you had compared to the other 90 percent of the world. we take things, I take things for granted. I'm sure I only have a slight more understanding of the poor and broken than many of my fellow friends in the states, but our ignorance has led us to rally for meaningless pursuits. my pastor spoke of the north korea rally back in 2003 when Freedom Week was starting to be given awareness. He was expecting a multi thousand number gathering at capital hill, for there was a 10s of thousands gathering for some conference he attended earlier. To his disbelief when he arrived at capital hill to speak up for north korea, there was maybe 60 people. America, such a beautiful and comfortable and free land, with its creative innovations and great rock music, yet its full of the rich, the fat, the ignorant, the selfish, the proud, and the naive. (at this point I wish I could write an essay like ttracy) what are you living for?

good question.

keep in mind peter. you must be free in order to set others free. theres more slaves now than ever, in deeper bondage than ever. can you imagine that there is more wickedness going on now than the holocaust? sorry if thats a sore spot for you, but its true. the death of the soviet union gulag or concentration camp gave birth to an even more horrific story in north korea.

here the link if you would like to educate yourself a bit. http://archive.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2003/2/13/110824.shtml
I'm doing my research as I go, so take it or leave it, i'm not really a political genius, I should have t tracy write one of these, he can convince your mind with his wise words.

One former gulag inmate, Soon Ok Lee, spent seven years at a camp near Kaechon in Pyungbuk province. She told the network: “I was in prison from 1987 till January 1993. [The women] were forced to abort their children. They put salty water into the pregnant women’s womb with a large syringe, in order to kill the baby even when the woman was eight months or nine months pregnant.

“And then, from time to time there a living infant is delivered. And then if someone delivers a live infant, then the guards kick the bloody baby and kill it. And I saw an infant who was crying with pain. I have to express this in words, that I witnessed such an inhumane hell.”

Soon watched 50 fellow prisoners dying excruciatingly painful deaths when they were used as human guinea pigs in biological warfare research.

“I saw so many poor victims,” she recalled. “Hundreds of people became victims of biochemical testing. I was imprisoned in 1987 and during the years of 1988 through ’93, when I was released, I saw the research supervisors — they were enjoying the effect of biochemical weapons, effective beyond their expectations — they were saying they were successful.”

I too dont have the heart for the north korean people. I live less than a hundred miles from children being starved, where there is torture that compares and/or exceeds anything genocide to this day, and yet I can easily go days and weeks without a thought in the world about the wickedness of our generation. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/433641.stm

I guess what i'm trying to say is, there is slavery today, there is child prostitution. my personal friends have gone to the prostitution capital of probably the world in pattaya and one ministry there. they talked to bar girls and prostitutes, and they say those girls and boys live in fear and conditions of abuse and torture and even fear of murder. they say its like hell. girls from 7-14 are easily seen on the streets. they go as young as infants, 2 or 3, man I heard stories, they get raped and stitched back up, so messed up.

and yet where is my heart and my cry... i hear and I'm close, we the educated have the ability to change this! this is the hour to get my mind set on path. I need to pick up a history book. do my research. I gotta blow this up. if only getting people to care was as easy as getting them to smoke pot for the first time. I guess i'm a little sad of how the decisions i've made, have effected the ones I loved, and proceeded to grieve my heart to this day. well like I said, do your own research, deeper than mine, i'd love to write a real essay, but I just googled things like north korea death toll, slavery today, child prostitution. or you can turn the blind eye and live in your ignorance. my friend maudie had a quote, it said leave your mark on the world not on the earth. (it was a thing for environmental issues) but its true, what are you going to leave for the world?

roll-your-own.tumblr.com

people busy.

everyday I meet people, all day long. I want to just chill at home.

crushing red embers in a pile of ash.

I need to encourage myself a little bit. Don't get caught up in competition and judgment. Don't look at skill and standards. Just do what you love and let your steps be established for you one at a time.

tell the world

I wonder what the power of art is. I think I like photography because its spontaneous, and i'm spontaneous. Every time I wake up early to gear up for a shoot, I feel good. I feel right. I said it today and I think I say it every time, this is the life. I pack my back like i'm packing heat (I've never been to war and I know the frightening truth behind some of it) but I feel like i'm going to war; especially when I'm shooting Allen's 70-200mm. I said today the only thing that would make this cooler if we were shooting real guns (boys like guns) I've always had a fascination with the army. I wanted to go for some period of my life but when I told my mom, its one of the few times she got really stern and said no. I talked to my friends in the army. Jazz, he told me I shouldn't because i've got direction, i've got dreams and i'm living them out, he said it would just be a detour. I don't know what it was about wanting to join the military, maybe it was to prove my manhood, you can't really say much to a guy that has put up with all the crap you must put up with, risked his life, fought and toughed out some of the hardest conditions imaginable.

My friend's brother experiences PTSD, he has seen blood, heads rolling off bodies, a hole blown in his friends chest. War is very real and so is death. The things that give us the most stress in our day to day lives are meaningless to these kinds of men. If I told this man my day was so crappy because the lady at the immigration office gave me the wrong info, what do you think he would say? The privileged life i've lived has spoiled me. How can I open my mind and not be a tool to society?

And look at how I write, it is all about me. When will it not be about me?

Anyways life is still beautiful. Allen, Diddy, Seunkyung, and myself shot Wongyu and Wonhee's wedding today. Many times I forget that my brother or sister is getting married, that his life is about to change forever, and that this is probably one of the most crucial points to their lives. I get caught up in the business, I do my job as best as I can and i'm so focused that it becomes a little surreal. I watch these 'events' through blinks of my shutter with a hope that I can capture the essence of their love and joy. I love seeing them smile and laughing at the alter. In the midst of such stiffness and what is kind of a show unto other people, I love seeing couples come back to reality and come into the joy of each other's presence; the pureness of their vows; and the love that will last a lifetime. I love seeing the couples be real with each other.

We have a weird dating policy at my church, don't get me wrong, its great because it is a testimony of seeking God in the middle of it; it creates some of the most healthy and beautiful matches i've seen, many say "it was meant to be." A couple was announced today that they had been dating. They kept it a secret. Me and Jos were talking about it yesterday, he was trying to bet who it was, I said 'i hope i'm not going to be a little heart broken at the end of it.' He knew exactly who I was talking about and it was funny when I met up with him today. We both just started laughing. With a tender heart we grabbed some grub and headed for a Whisky sour and took a walk into the alleyways of Itaewon. We talked about a lot of things. I really like that dude. We are kind of on the same page, it is really nice to have him to walk beside. I really want to see him come back.

Anything else? I'm happy right now, a little chilly but happy.

i'm bored of this layout. I should invest in learning html.