hmm

i went to church yesterday. 11 am and i left at 6 pm its crazy intense. so I think some things have changed. but the things that have changed, somebody may not notice because they were hidden things.

but if i was asked to smoke a joint back home...what would i say? I think i'd say no. if I was asked to smoke a joint with max in europe...what would i say? I guess we'll see.

so i hope to say no. so max, amsterdam may be our last stop, but yeah i'd like to skip to a cafe, grab a cup of coffee and just go walk around.

the thing with smoking...hmm. it would change the day, and something interesting may happen because we did, but usually i end up regretting my choice when i get all burnt out. because when I'm tired, I barely can talk. and if theres somebody i want to talk to, I miss that opportunity because of the choice I made before. hmm if I hit the slopes with pat, and he offered me a hit...what would I say? snowboarding is fun just as it is, just say you dont want to toke up. but again with past experience its happened that way so its hard to change. convict me not to smoke if its important. which yeah look how much trouble i caused my mom by smoking, and look at how much she loves you.

hmm. if yak asked me to chill and have a chief, what would i say? what happens if that toke led the conversation in a whole different way, for the benfit? convict me. how would I say no in situations like this? if shiraz swooped me up for a drive and asked me to smoke, how do i got about saying no? what happens if you share that difference and experience to better your relationship...by using? oh yeah if they're friends they should understand. so you just gotta say no. once. thats it.

but somebody comment. please. give me another viewpoint. i've had great times "stoned' me and max went skating in wayzata on a bright sunny day, we had a hit and just got a good buzz. we went and had pizza by the slice across the street from the chain italian shop. even though we were good friends, we had that shared silence, kind of like the akward one you get on dates. and that was the changing point, the point where we're like wow we're in for a crazy year as we both head to the U of M. and another time we went to the park to throw a frisbee in that backstreet with the windy roads and tall trees. we had a beer and just chilled, talked and thought. we were like should we go see jenna? nah, should we call? nah we shouldnt go should we? and yeah we did and it was one of the best memories i had with that girl. yeah I miss that girl.

i've got so many friends now. on a level of hey oh the semesters over and your leaving? oh well yeah facebook i'll see you when i see you. but during all this time I didnt really stop to consider all my FRIENDS! man its been over a year, since i've drank beer and grilled with krew, went frolfing, jammed with kreeble and max, sat around a bonfire, have the greatest chillness driving on a minnesota summer evening, windows rolled down, straates exhaust purring passing lakes left and right on a road tunneled by trees, to a sunset that reflects of the ocean, hand waving up and down the window, fresh air and anticipation, smell of pot, reaching my hand back to recieve, and or pass getting to the lake. running around in the grass throwing a light up frisbee. getting butt naked and jumping off the dock. chilling in that beautiful kitchen, talking goofing off. wow i need to get home in the summer

but i cant believe all i've been through. all the friends i've made. and the things ive seen and done! look at our s/e asia pictures! OMG look at how beautiful that is. and I lived that. how privaledged I am. how I was given this life such a privaledged life. so whats the meaning of life? all the things of the past you sorely adore, all the things that are upahead that you dont even know,andthat space where the future pours out into our present to be washed into the past. when can we just chill to appreciate the coming, the now the past. i dont like how low quality face book is, pat hannah can we do a photo swap? i forgot i went to japan with ciee! omg and even though it was tiring as no other wow look at the things we did! we went clubbing in osaka! i took a road trip from mn to co, az cali and back, wow i went to hawaii for spring break with my good friends! we saw a reef shark at molokini! me max and andrew had a place together our freshman year of college! God whats it all for? but thank you I'm super grateful right now. how beautiful life really is. i guess i need not worry. life will take care of itself.

did i say i hate how crappy quality facebook is with pictures? i didnt think id be one of these 1000 picture people, guess that changed quick.

quick. lifes quick. so how do we make the most of the now? because the past is forgotten, and the future is unseen. i guess i'm confused. but this has been an amazing time. thank you.

http://peterjacob.livejournal.com

taking me out of hte loop for about a week.

ive done things.

good things.

umm made friends, gotten closer with church friends. I was dunked into a river brought up baptised.

I love australian people and have a huge crush on the ausie girl at church, but I'm trying my best not to do anything because I'm in not position to have a significant other in my life especially when I just dealt with a difficult sexual relationship. and now healed and trusting I had to ignore once again because I'm afraid of what soul ties may have been left.

I'm still a virgin, so I thank God for the covering he has placed in me. I was so close to the point of absolut regret and praise God for he stopped me. In all cases he pushed me through temptation and I have falled short of the glory one soo many times. Lie to the face of my mother who gave birth to me, kissing her when I had the stench of the resin on my lips as she says I can smell it as i walk away rub my lips with my hand and smell like I stuck my nose inside a bowl. Stolen hundreds of dollars maybe thousands from zumiez because it was fun, breaking into cars and stealing stereos. drinking to much wine and seducing a girl with a boy friend. tempting them into tempting myself. sin that turns me into garbage that I drags me down, puts barriers and unhappiness in the life of me. drags the spirit of joy to the depths of hell and makes me cry just for a thought of joy. I confess, repent and renounce as soon as I fall. I cry when I hear the stories of hell. I cry when another is lost. My heart burns for them so I am grateful. I am thankful for each time even when I wasnt with God, as a growing child saying prayers of dear God, please forgive me for the sins I may have commited and for the wrong things I have done. please forgive my mother, my father, and my sisters sins for they are good people. I heard a thing on selfishness recently and it stuck to my mind. what a bitter person he must have been because it turned my thinking into that people were all selfish. but that isn't our human spirit, for God did NOT make us timid, but gave us a spirit of power, of love, and of self discipline. thats my prayer. And to think I'm a person of little faith, but i turned my life into a movie once again, plugged into sigur ros at the ocean beach other during the soft afternoon light, squinting and dreaming as a child into the skies and thinking, someday I'll be able to leave this place and be at peace. thats where I want to be, because theres to much bull shit and crap on this earth to sometimes make worth living just not so great. but its still beautiful as it lasts.

and I didnt want to write because I contridictied myself on all the things I wanted to write about, but I didn't know I was going to write like this, and I didn't contradict myself. this is my heart that burns. these are the things I testify to my readers openly, especially with all the church friends i've been face booking, they have access now. I testify openly because your judgement doesn't matter, you have no right to judge me or give accusations. why am I attacking you now though? i guess its just a matter to say to myself.

I'm taking a photography black room course. I draw at drawing studio, i do drawings for sharks and of pat and hannah. I want to sell my photography and give all my money i earn to the missions fields. these are things i want. but thats according to that there are gifts and talents that are surfacing, and that It can be used to the glory of God. I'm at a pc room because i dont have interenet. i'm going to take my lap top to church tomorrow to try and skype with max. i'm going to tell my dad the things I want to do, and the things I may need financial help with. i'm trying to get a part time job at a wine bar that my teacher worked out for me. I hope scheduling works out. I hope I get accepted to hongdae, i find out in a few days. My mom sister and josh come in a few days. I'm picking them up from the air port. my times up. later

instead of writing emails.

jeese

i take my test thursday

hollar

i'll be going to hongdae in march.

art school. hollar

umm a story. i dont got nothing really. ohh i wrote another song yesterday.

called the martini song

I want to record music. but i havent told my dad yet. i need to earn some money. jakes doing his westcoast adventure in a few months, and I'm like maybe going to be like hey can I come? three a crowd? but its like I gotta go to europe too, man oh man, i make it sound like ohh i gotta but no its like YES! wow max thats going to be one wonderous adventure.

i start dark room courses the 26th. when I'm FREE!

i'm kinda in this art studio from 1:30 to 10. crazy huh? but today I switched my visa, looks like I can stay. eek i should go draw. i kinda like it. I saw pixar. talk about oriniality and like I want to do a bunch of those drawings so I can work with different media, but I gotta start somewhere, I guess it doesn't bother me to much. but my like favorite movie right now is about a girl. i mean good will hunting. yes indeed. its like so inspiring. kinda. whatever.

so its turning to sweatshirt weather. kinda. i'm sorta of steaming up but i've got that sweatshirt pat gave me. is it weird I feel akward to call him so I dont. cause I dont think i have anything to say but still want to talk to him. i called him once and hes like it was good talking to you. that was like a week ago. i havent called him since. i used to call hananh everyday just to see whats up. how come I cant do this the same way? who knows.

my dad came to church with me yesterday. its been like uber amount of years since we've attended service together. it was a pretty teary experience. what got into us? yeah fo sho we got SPIRIT!

hmmm way to be ostlund i had to face book stalk the crap out of neumillers page to see that you are going to thailand. I might be there in oct...shiznitll whos financing my butt? 헐

gosh I should be drawing. i will. i mean its like cramming before the morning test, they say you dont know, but I think cramming is doig a good job. shiznit i should've written jake instead of writing this. for hannahs sake. sa ke

i had japaense for lunch in mokdong at the registartion place. my dad just opened up about like this and that. and I'm like damn dad you got girl problems.

but i'm like shes got to open up? like wtf can we do

okay enough of that. so i've got like adopted sisters now, so they could have american citizenship or something something. so i've got 3 sisters. hey hannah you never answered sally or sam. somebody just said kiwi... why? hahah

oh i should draw. oh well. i want a bicycle.

jake build me one. max what kind of guitar are you taking to italy? i might get a small travel one, I could posibly get you once cause there super small and pretty cheap. cause i mean okay heres something to write about

i was at pixar, and the art is beautiful. but by the 3/4 way through i was burnt out. and it sucks cause the quality of art doesnt change but its my perseption and it just got old. i was in ankor wat, and we were amazed and then we just sat in one of the 1000000000 year old temples throwing rocks and talking. i mean its a good way to soak in a place but wheres the appreciation.

so max like play in the frosty streets smoking cigarettes (JK) its actually been a while and like have our cases out lookin for money. okay sams out i've gotta go. bye

max i'm busy as f till the 21st so i've only got time weekdays around 9pm minnesota or 10. if we meet up hannah you should try and find yourself on to ^^

hmm i've been listening to music, not properly though. like I have to load my little shuffe for the day and I've got to skim through all this new music I have. its no bueno. I can wait to sit, and just kill a morning and after noon listening to band after band album for album. but this skimming thing...

so thinking like waiting on stuff is better. like I look back and wish i've done some things different. but now its like wait instead of all those things you wished for, why dont you just seek for the one thing thats good. i'm thinking about mhmm and mhmm and that one specific med format camera and rangefinder that would be perfect.

so i feel I should be earning things. man this boy is like are you going to live here. maybe. are you going to die here. probably not. are you going to go back to america? i dont know. questions. I used to not talk. i mean like yeah blah hwatever. i used to ask a bunch of questions to fill the air. but after even "talking" call it talking I didn't know anything about the person or they didn't know anything about me. like WHO we were. so theres differences in talking and conversing and asking questions. I met up with a friend and like while we were talking I was weary of this and noticed we didn't ask any questions. and it was dandy. whats it worth. if I were to keep in touch or not. if I know you are good I think thats good enough for me. I was once asked oh yeah hows she doing? and like as close as I was with her, I couldnt answer that honestly, because I just didn't ask, how have you been? with sincereity. sometimes thats all that matters. anyways ...

10 rules to taking pictures, only a few of them have come to mind when I saw them in a book. its like be quick, try the hip shot, don't think(this is the best) you dont have to know what you'll be getting, be quick and don t think went well together. but we'll see.

one week. one week. then I can use charcoal. or I can paint, and not use 4 b pencils. and draw sharks, and beautiful people, and things and thangs, thugs and rappers talib and mos def lyricists. i'd really like to play music. an expanse of music. if I promise to play but don't know how to read music ...i'll have to ask about that one. music is probably one of the greatest things ever. it fuels my day dreams. like this is bad but okay so i used to question this..don't get me wrong so like sometimes I have the thought you are to follow. like once I felt obligated to follow and I was like I thought you wanted me to talk to you...oh no... nm i'm not going to go there. i'll draw in a few minutes.

for hours and hours.

^^ but I actually like it. sort of. and there having a spelling test next to me. hmmm my sister josh and mom come in like 2 weeks. ahhh! i want to watch the darjeeling limited with them right when they come, and hopefully my sister will be inspired and instead of what she said of yeah we'd love to be active and see all the toursity stuff, she'd let me give her a more chill experience. pleaseeeeeee. but i mean whatever it'll be good to see that stuff again.

my family is coming to church with me on sunday. like to make sure my church isn't a goth worship type of place. and now i'll have to be extroverted and feel akward and introduce my family to all my friends...will they talk korean or english, is christian just going to be as tangent as ever? this is something worth praying about.

pr: acceptence. good bonding with sister and josh. that we'd be like friends. dilligence. and okay I should be going.

hmmm i want a bowl cut, so then officially any picture i'm in will make me look younger than 15 years old. ive had some crazy dreams lately, like if I could draw this stuff, i'd have one heck of a fantasy movie on my hands. kinda wak stuff to its carajee. okay bye i dont want to go yet.

as I eat my morning cornflakes

I had a dream, a dream where everything that could go wrong in driving in a minnesota winter happened...well would this happen...period?

short and sweet here we go.

so max picks me up from my house. and I just see the headlights pull in so I exit out my front door. probably around 7 or 8 and the only light that is really visible is from the family room. with a chillen mom reading a book.

I hollar and I leave. I get in the car and the first thing we pretty much do is hook up the ipod to the cassette player, and I grab for the ipod but he insists on picking the music. I don't mind. so we get going and I'm like whens the show..do we have to to grab a bite? hes like yeah we do how about here and here (forget) so we're at the intersection by hollywood and byerlys, with the 2 turn lanes and the straight lane. we're in the middle lane and as we decided where to eat we had to go straight instead of turning, so this is all in the winter, slushy roads black ice low visibility. and we kinda spin out a little and make our way to the right lane, sort of cutting this jeep off. he just lays on his horn and he doesn't stop. i'm like dude take it easy cause we're distracted we don't turn into those small strip malls where game stop and stuff are and we're at the intersection by ridgedale library and plymouth rd. and without stopping we just slip and enter into the intersection pull a big Uie right in front of incoming traffic and start heading back into the strip mall. cause we have to make aleft and maybe cause the lines were'nt visible we were driving right into uncoming traffic and the honking starts again. is this a metaphor? anyways they yield cause they have to and we start turning in but we're blocked because a bunch of peopler are standing in the road watching the commotion. we're like move so this lady and man in front of her suv like try moving bu tthey dont, so somebody invisible grabs the lady from behind and she like gets dragged/disappears beneath the car, as her hand is disappearing she grabs the man and lik ecartoons he disappears as well. as we manage to park at that moment an angry mob comes thats been following us, that jeep guy cause we eventually turned intot he same mall he did comes up to us, and about 10 people pick up maxs car above their heads and start throwing it up and down like tossing a person. and I though they could manage but end up dropping his car onto the side. we're like wtf and as we go into get our sandwiches, I look over at the jeep man and his wife and they're wearing matching overalls and red flannel shirts and I'm like couple ts! so I like make a heart over my head and compliment them and the what was angry jeep driver looks and smiles over. so strange. so we get our sandwiches max has to do something so hes like d you have pen, and I dig in the cup on the counter for a pen but only find one, and I look over at max and he already has a pen and theres like 10 more pens in the cup. and I think then I wake up. okay church bye

like do I smell?

kinda bad?

like wtf?

hahaha I dont think i do. except when... I'll put it as african chief puts it " my beef strong"

you dont think grandmas lie just to prove a point do you?

I mean I shower at night, I can't possibly smell by the morning?

like wtf? and I don't spend enough time around that little girl whos room I tried to get into but couldn't cause the doors locked to have her think that I smell anyways. anybody else think what I just said was creepy? hahha you have no idea keu keu keu. shes maybe unofficially or officially, perhaps news to me as well...my younger sister?? so at immigration shes like what kind of visas is your younger sister on...i'm like I don't have a youn....ohhh shes korean korean. so maybe its official. news to you guys huh? I now have my birth sister and two random sisters...jk not random. wow this went way out of line.

okay so do I smell or what?

I honestly don't think I smell. and if she can think I smell bad, wouldn't I be able to smell her as well...like this whole mutual being human thing isn't making sense right now. So like i said hello and poped on here, and my grandmas like areyou going to take a shower. I was like sure in a little bit, cause I guess I feel sticky. and then she goes off on how bad I smell, shes like even the little girl thinks so...and as shes walking off out of eye sight, even ajuma thinks so ajuma is the equivalent of middle aged woman... I tried googling it, but the epitamy of korean ajuma didn't really prove helpful. this is bs.

i'll try something tomorrow, i'll try some of that stuff they call cologne, or le toilet. and dang get off the gig of washing my clothes. man am I just being a stubborn or what? like I consulted a person and they didn't think I needed to wash my clothes EVERY time I wore them. but thinking back...I didn't do laundry as much as many others.

and sometimes yeah, you can smell your own smell. but like I just smelled myself, and I dont think I smell. so I dont really care but I mean i guess by questioning my own stench I'm trying to make the point of... I don't even know.

and I thought I had more meaningful things to write about.

I saved 60 dollars a few days ago. I tried buying a flash diffuser, de pew sa hanglish so difficult. anyways they turned out uber expensive so I made one. and the results prove subtle but meh i'd say bueno (hasn't yet really been used in real life scenarios)

made of tinfoil wrapped around a card type of thing I used this random piece of plastic and duct tape. and created a small pocket at the base where I could insert in front of the flash...get it?


without :(













with ^^












the device













can somebody say get a life? ps in the little girls room, with an unlocked door. so I could show you pictures and tell you how I supposedly smell bad. T.T ps#2 doesn't effectively work for verticle shots...and I haven't yet tried outdoors, probably ineffective, night scene is is pretty darn good. for bars and lounges, I dont think clubs cause the ceilings are high.. shutter 60 and fstop 3.5 okay bye