two weeks notice

in a mad rush to prove myself a college graduate, i sought after work. i said yes to everything at the expensive of my joy. i burdened myself with my own greed, and tried to make a way to provide for myself. i've never concerned myself this much about how, what, when and where, and it wasn't right for me to do so just because i've got this new found freedom. (bursting the schooling bubble)

i talked with my father today. told him i've been unhappy these days trying to make ends meet. told him i'm getting paid like a dog, my hands are washing dishes instead of creating things, and i've sold out to be a tool instead of being a linchpin. i was easily dispensable, i would have loved to have been taken over by a dish washer.

i felt my gifts where going to waste. so now is the time to take a step back. put in my two weeks notice. to leave room for whatever is in store. leave room for God to be God. leave room for excitement and the unknown to be uncontrolled. (i've been striving to maintain control) leave room for people, guitar practice, writing songs, writing blogs, taking pictures, fixing stuff, exercising, being happy doing things I love (north face gym this friday)

its interesting that i've lived this many years and still don't know myself. without connecting the dots, i had no idea the reasons i had been unhappy and dissatisfied these days. i think its a clear sign of what i'm to do, and what not to do. when I took a second job, i became angry and defeated, i beat my head on the tile wall, i screamed in the bathroom. my foolish decisions to prove myself.

so like 2008, when i didn't think twice about dropping out, didn't think twice about living in korea, didn't think twice about the future, i leave room for whatever to happen, and i am expectant for the adventures to come.  

mind dwellers

its interesting how easy it is to sway from being fine to being totally discouraged. why is that. how is it that our minds are so quick to agree with the we cant and submit to the negative possibilities.

i felt burdened in my heart this evening. i couldn't see past working minimum wage, with a college degree, a handful of things i'm pretty good at, and not able to make a cent from it. it took a great deal to overcome. a swaying of my mind, back and forth, able, not able, encouraged, discouraged. one of the most memorable things a friend has said to me is 'don't think so much'

i guess i'm trying to apply that as best i can.

anyways, i'm a partner in a wonderful photography business. its our business. why do i act otherwise? things will fall into place, i just need to stop despising this humble beginning. minimum wage humble beginning...

inspire me so

so i am trying to inspire myself these days. dream for bigger things by going step by step. i dont know what capacity i have to steward the different things that are in my life, and i'm not sure if these thoughts are things that should keep me from doing or not doing. jerusalem ministries might be looking for someone as an events coordinator, full/part time. i want to begin to pray about this opportunity as it may be something very special. allen as began to really step up lumiere and co, challenging us to shoot and begin to take steps in the direction of greater professionalism. my personal music has been very enjoyable, but as far as inspiration goes, i sometimes feel i juice the small bits i receive here and there. there are times when i'm so uninspired and revert to generic techniques, neither good nor bad, but stagnant and generic. the feeling in which i should just stop playing during the set. i look around the crowd to inspire me, to see their beautiful faces, it makes me really happy.

things take investing. i need wisdom. people take investing. time is valuable. money shouldn't be regarded as highly. but i need it to buy stuff, to further stuff. its an interesting time of tension i am in. want a warehouse, drums and amps in one corner, sofas, chairs, bed, kitchen, bathroom with darkroom facilities, camera and post processing media office, workbench and table, files for sandpaper, files to grind stuff according to my specific need, junk for me to assemble and take apart, to create something new. a space i can call home. a space i can build from. a space i can dream from.

its clear. sort of. i cannot shelve my art career, it's to grained in my hands. no one art medium is enough. its not a burden its easy, artist. period. potter by day, musician by night, photographer by moment, writer by need, everything in its right place, just as i want it to be. 

you can't have any pudding

so i've only recently figured out that i am an external processor. that could explain all of the old blog posts.

i have finished school. and roy, not school, taught me that there is only one space after a period. and i told joseph otherwise.

i have my discrepancies with the way my university experience went, but i suppose if it wasn't for it, my life would be in a different place. maybe for better maybe for worse.

i work next to a chef, its great. he pushes me to experiment, i wish i could burst the bubble more. i feel like there isn't even a box to be broken out of, a set of boundaries in which to experiment from. maybe i just need to brainstorm. he has served me gourmet, and taught me how to eat, not to fill my stomach. which is good because every other meal i eat is to fill myself. eggs and rice, rice and eggs, sometimes some pork, maybe spinach.

so i have finished school. i thought it would be more glamourous. i guess its a common misconception. i did have a cool opportunity arise, like i'll be on tv for the first time. (vimeo link to come) i think in the midst of not wanting to be a joke, i went job hunting. i stressed myself out unnecessarily but achieved what i set out to do. in a single day, i took two jobs, got a raise, and quit one job. thats how productive i can be. in the same week, i quit another job, which was teaching english. in the spare time that i have these days, i've been playing guitar. all i wish to do is become a rock star. i mean a better more capable musician. i bought a beautiful guitar and brought a bass into deaf spanish. i havent been able to write anything new as of lately, but i shouldn't let these mixed emotions go to waste when i can over exaggerate the feelings to write a half decent song. ive been better training emy, to walk, to heel, to sit, to stay, outside without a leash. i've got calling my mom and dad more frequently, been catching up with old friends regularly, and finally managed to stop ignoring my roommates as of today. i couldn't explain my actions, i wanted to see a shrink, the second time in my life i've ever wanted to.

i wish i was paid just a little more. actually a lot more.

louis and i are in the works. we are roasting meats, getting better, but need to head into smoking. thats where its at.  with a seasonal menu, and a nice craft beer selection.

things i still want. a leica.

happy birthday isaac

its a period of tension.

a blessing that feels like a curse.  it is a moment of overflowing blessing, so much it feels overbearing.
never have I been more supported and celebrated in who I am and what I do, yet never have I felt more confused about where to walk, how to walk.

in the midst of too much thinking, I've slowed down to taste, to hear, to know what is good.  It began with learning how to drink espresso for what its worth.  To take in the smells of the roast, almost a scent of a bonfire.  i've learned to taste bitter, taste sweet.  to taste an over extraction from a proper one.  how a light, medium, dark roast differentiate from one another.  these small appreciations have been spilling over into other facets of my life.  i'm overcome with so much beautiful artistry that inspires me, but humbles me.

I was filmed for a tv special today.  also my baby brother was born today.  2 months premature, I am praying a lot for him, an emotional roller coaster, dang it Isaac!  you should have just stayed in the womb, but what a story this will tell.  Love you little bro and I havent even met you yet.

1 chronicles 16:8-36

posers give everything a bad name.  i hope i am not posing.  

a not so typical day in the life

lately i've had the thoughts of what I'm supposed to do after graduation.  I am graduating in February with my graduation exhibition in December.  I have long awaited this time, and now that its drawing near, I've been evaluating with probably more mental energy than really necessary.  Life just works, so I don't really know what i'm fussing about...but... nonetheless I am.

Today, woke up thinking I had to go to missions training, but I didn't have to.  Nice!  Got the whole morning to myself.  Tried to do backed up homework, wasn't much of a success, but made bits of progress.  Enough to get it done when it is needed.

Rode my bike to Itaewon, had a jam session with K1 house of prayer, and rode back home to get ready for BK's bachelor party.  Got doored by a taxi on the way, that sucked.  Minor but sucky.  Walked the rest of the way up the hill and started to help the brotha's out.  We had a BBQ on top of Mat's roof, overlooking Hongdae, with the setting sun behind the haze in the distance.  It was very asian esque.  It was great.

I have my doubts.  More or less, more is less.  I'm suffering with the freedom of choice, kind of ironic?  Too many things I want to do, and the idea of doing them all makes me feel like a jack of all traits.  What do I want to do?  Be a professional bum that makes six figures; that can work three to four days a week so that a couple of days I can rock climb, play guitar, ride my bicycle, prep photo shoots, and the like.  The weekend I can better dedicate to ministry stuff and things of my liking.  But life probably isn't that easy, and probably all of that will leave me at the same level of fulfillment that it has given me now (cause that is the life I'm living minus the large amounts of money that would likely bring my grief.)

So what will I do?  Get a job.
What will I have to give up?
Dreams of being a rock climber/outdoor photographer.
Will I have to give up dreams of rocking shows with my band?  I don' think so, all of the members have day jobs as it is already.
I can use two of maybe the three weeks of vacation I have to go learn the trait of bicycle building and maintenance in Oregon so that is not totally out the window.
In the days end, these are all just my ideas, we will see what really happens.