today was one of those, i can't believe that just happened, sort of days.
fought with my mom. don't think i have like that yet.
troubled how unfilled we all really live. under so much oppression we think we just have to hold onto it. sad really. how we try and cover up things that aren't right, and think we can hide from our sin and shame. as much as it doesn't have to be like that, why is it?
she hates my dad. she hates the idea of me having a relationship with him. she was so overcome with anger that the words from her mouth were evil. i've never heard such words uttered before. she says she goes to church and prays so that she can over come such emotions. i told her church doesn't help anybody, its the love of God that will set someone free. i pray for her.
she called me judgmental and narrow minded. she cried that she had nobody to stand up for her. i yelled back how could i, i was 10 years old when your relationship fell apart. i told her i love her so much, that she needs to let these terrible emotions go, and move on with her life. i told her she needs to move on. i was shocked how easily somebody is swayed from love and truth and support. she said she was now an outsider, because i want to be a part of my dads life, i told her that was not true. she said that i dont care for her, understand her. i told her i love her, and i burden the bullshit of you, dad, and chris. i told her nobody in our family believes anything better can be done except for me. i am the only one trying to fix anything. everybody else is caught up in their own pain to care. woe is me, victim mentality bullshit. i told her nobody was there for me in my worst times. when i was in college, depressed, confused, fatherless, and lost. i told her i had to fix my own life, where were you mom and dad? i told her Jesus was the only one who could help me, thats why i fell in love with God, because he healed and set me free. i cried to her, you need the love of God to set you free.
crying in the streets of itaewon. i called her to say hi at lunch, and walked out of the restaurant door where my friends where, yelling.
what happened to her life was wrong. what happened to my mother and fathers relationship was wrong. wrong was done to one another, and wrong is still being done. how long do we harbor bitterness that turns to poison in our souls? decades it seems. decades of pain is finally coming out. decades of unforgiveness is coming out. finally coming out. i always prayed that the best is yet to come, the best is yet to come for my family. maybe that is about to be answered.
when we step off the good and narrow path, it is apparent what happens.
its hard that i am the catalyst to this pain. its hard that i am the only one in my family that thinks something better is going to come out of this.
fought with my mom. don't think i have like that yet.
troubled how unfilled we all really live. under so much oppression we think we just have to hold onto it. sad really. how we try and cover up things that aren't right, and think we can hide from our sin and shame. as much as it doesn't have to be like that, why is it?
she hates my dad. she hates the idea of me having a relationship with him. she was so overcome with anger that the words from her mouth were evil. i've never heard such words uttered before. she says she goes to church and prays so that she can over come such emotions. i told her church doesn't help anybody, its the love of God that will set someone free. i pray for her.
she called me judgmental and narrow minded. she cried that she had nobody to stand up for her. i yelled back how could i, i was 10 years old when your relationship fell apart. i told her i love her so much, that she needs to let these terrible emotions go, and move on with her life. i told her she needs to move on. i was shocked how easily somebody is swayed from love and truth and support. she said she was now an outsider, because i want to be a part of my dads life, i told her that was not true. she said that i dont care for her, understand her. i told her i love her, and i burden the bullshit of you, dad, and chris. i told her nobody in our family believes anything better can be done except for me. i am the only one trying to fix anything. everybody else is caught up in their own pain to care. woe is me, victim mentality bullshit. i told her nobody was there for me in my worst times. when i was in college, depressed, confused, fatherless, and lost. i told her i had to fix my own life, where were you mom and dad? i told her Jesus was the only one who could help me, thats why i fell in love with God, because he healed and set me free. i cried to her, you need the love of God to set you free.
crying in the streets of itaewon. i called her to say hi at lunch, and walked out of the restaurant door where my friends where, yelling.
what happened to her life was wrong. what happened to my mother and fathers relationship was wrong. wrong was done to one another, and wrong is still being done. how long do we harbor bitterness that turns to poison in our souls? decades it seems. decades of pain is finally coming out. decades of unforgiveness is coming out. finally coming out. i always prayed that the best is yet to come, the best is yet to come for my family. maybe that is about to be answered.
when we step off the good and narrow path, it is apparent what happens.
its hard that i am the catalyst to this pain. its hard that i am the only one in my family that thinks something better is going to come out of this.
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