a master of inspiration, writing one email to feed another writing. Inspiration is a beautiful thing, the push peoples to the limit of their ability to try and produce or whatever they may do with all strength thought ability and beauty. It doesnt even matter if it isnt planned, its just allowed to flow. flow is good. So its been said nostalgia...why does it hurt so bad? haha yeah but I'm just picturing last christmas right now. man why couldn't i have frozen that moment struggling to get the covers from under jakes huge body, or stay up for nightmare before christmas, or take pictures of hannah on the floor under the pile of blankets that should have been on me and not under jake and on the floor. you have no idea. well either do i. I just hope the next moment i'm living, i'll say I want to hug everything because its so beautiful cause the next moment I may be hurting to be returning to that point of memory. sigh back to the email entitled peepers! man chinese food sounds good right now, some sesame chicken dude straight up with some fried cream cheese puffss ohhhhhh chef lee lunch buffet, when we had half days or any excuse to get out of school halfway through we would gather like all our friends into amars tahoe and juse cruise in and just grub. so good. so my trip has been good. and i'm really appreciating the time alone I have, also the time i havent seen so many friends like aaron, minna, donna I even tried texting alex but I'm not sure if hes got my number anymore. people are starting to move up and on, and some are stuck in rutts but looking for more, just not in the right timing yet I suppose cause I can see they'll be fine in a little bit. ive been entertained but interesting conversation these last two days, and now I've got lunch with my cousin tomorrow to be entertained even more. super happy I'm getting close with them now. so strange how things have worked out in this place we call korea. Korea seems to be that place where you find what you're looking for... whether or not you expected to find it. ladidadi. yes sir I agree with that. so max and Is trip was good. i said that. we sky dived. we saw the works of our favorite artists come alive as we saw the canvas and strokes upon them in front of us. we goofed off in hostels, trains, bathrooms, ancient ruins and cathedrals, took pictures of whatever we saw, laughed, hugged, held hands yes we held hands. we could have finally been proven to be gay after all these years (haha dont ask) i'm sorry for embarrasing my friend but this is to hilarious to explain in this context so i'll leave it. we sat after new years down from the eiffel tower bummed cause it didnt explode into a million fireworks like I hoped for, and sang and then some drunk dumb young tourists gave us five euros that we went and spent on... maybe we should have split it in half and taken it as Gods bessing in our new year. even five euros more rich, I was straight broke at new years haha amongst a lot of people haha f it. I found the meaning in relationship, so I plan to head to church sunday and greet as many new comers as possible. I saw an good friend and went to rome with him. they're like you went to rome with jazz?! haha yeah and we ate pizza and talked about how the diciples where persecuted at the steps of where we were, super interestingnd wonderful seeing the age of Christ come to life before my eyes, the hill where peter was crucified upside down and the catacombs somewhere near where peter and paul lead underground churches during those ages. so beautiful living in the history. like max learning art history, not out of a text book, but in front of his eyes in all the museums he visited, the statue of david not in a lousy brief history of art text book with a robot teaching explaining, but a sort of creepy but passionate professor pouring his love for the greatest sculpture ever for you at the foot of the massive sculpture. text books and philosophies and teachings are such bs if they are not to be lived. so the taoist poems we learned may be moving and wonderful teachings, but whos bold enough to live them? props to them who are like water, sinking to the depths and very bottom, continously moving and never grasping onto the things of this earth. my favorite teaching and yeah Jesus says it to, but this is poetry to romance samara is it? in siddartha? possibly. how lovely. how dear. how sincere. life. sometimes. sucks thinking about whats happening afterwards. eternal damnation for most of man kind? go to the dirt with the worms? reincarnation to be born into perhaps a butterfly? depending on how good you are. eternal joy and worship and rejoice with God in heaven? I sure hope so. hope, expectation. faith and belief. ladidadi blahblahblah I heard a podcast about a pastor who stopped believing in hell. quite beautiful but scripture to me hasnt backed that up yet so I'll leave it in the back of my mind to just be like, okay maybe that would be nice. its a touchy subject, its really been challenging me. its not fair...yeah yeah your feelings dont matter your no life creator. but cmon. cmon what? oh yea your right. so explain why then? ... hello? chosen peoples. oh so you have details for me? ... hello? ... the friends and family and people ive had in my life that have passed away, they dont seem dead. they dont seem to be burning in the depths of hell. they seem to be in heaven with G, and they're just waiting for me to get up there, like my cousin John, who I miss and am getting teary eyed but i wont cry dontchu worry. i used to be scared of him when he was sick, I think he got a kick out of it to. but I remember one evening ti must have been close to his death bed, that I was a child and we were able to just spent time together watching tv alone while our family was upstairs, hes said laughing you didnt backwash did you? i can still hear his voice, my stupid cousin semoon kept going back to the pit and throwing flowers in. I remember my sister answering the phone and just crying waking my family nm about the not crying part. downstairs my mom was sittinga tt he side of our kitchen bar, in the near pitch dark with the phone to her, sobbing, comforting her sister. i cant help smile through my antismile cause I ve got a faith that came to me through grace and I know hes up there just waiting to say, wow you've grown up so much. I missed you man. whether theres a hell for many people whether Jesus died for ALL no matter of belief, or whether the chosen are called and predestined, we'll only know when we're six feet under or in ashes to be given to the earth. yeah I sort of cant wait. but i'm going to make the best of this time now. Its official, i'm not going to be a teacher, a cafe owner, an environmental activist. I'm going to be an artist. its been given to me and confirmed through a family member. I'm holding onto it by faith and I dont plan on digging this passion into a pit to be aborted like a infant baby. this baby is being born. never you mind though. breath out. I didnt see this coming. what so ever. maybe this is the best of it and we have to make the most of it. thiss me and my writings, you as a viewer are happily allowed to read because you wouldnt know...would you?